clotting, clotting

I did not have any more gushes of blood today, just some black clot that came out, I think it is starting to slow down, and perhaps dare I hope GO AWAY...  I am strangely calm, I made bread, and did all my paperwork for the weekend (paid bills, bought plane ticket for going to my parents' on New Year's Eve), and once in a while entertained the idea that perhaps I am losing the pregnancy, but frankly not believing in it all that much.  Because, you see, I still FEEL pregnant.  I am getting small waves of nausea, and if I stand for a long time I get dizzy.  I don't like the smell of mesquite powder in my hot chocolate, which is something that I have always liked (mesquite is a carob-like powder, coming from Peru, it has a high iron content, and I use it to increase my iron consumption when eating vegan, and normally I like its flavour, but not today).

If it were not for the bleeding, I would say that the progression of symptoms is going according to last time's schedule as well.  Even the bleeding is right on track, what can I say.  I am continuing to hope.  My mom was saying on the phone that it is God's will, and I said yeah, I think God has decided to take away this pregnancy from me, a pregnancy which I have achieved after one whole year of trying, and which comes after losing my other baby for which I have also tried one whole year.  I am sure that is exactly the way God is... NOT!  I was praying to God last night to help me get through this ordeal, whatever it will end up to be, and I felt that He heard me, and trust that He will, but I know in my heart that He does not want me to miscarry any more than a loving parent would.