Tuesday, July 24, 2012

sunshine of my life

My day has been very hard.  On top of some personal issues, I had to deal with a completely overbooked clinic, and an assistant that started crying when I asked her to phone the lab for results a second time.  I think I was impatient with her, because I was running so far behind (I was one whole hour behind) and my voice betrayed my state of mind.  I apologized lots, and gave her a hug, and tried to make amends, but I felt like the whole interaction left her and me feeling unwell.  We had a talk about the differences between Europeans and Canadians, in that people from Europe are a lot more aggressive and direct in her opinion.  I tried to not get offended, since it is not the first time that I hear that, and I know that there is a lot of truth in her words, but by Golly I am VERY TIRED of hearing people complain about the fact that I am not like the Canadians, i.e. I am impatient and aggressive.  I don't think I am particularly difficult, case in point being that my employee (whom I pay) feels comfortable enough analyzing my upbringing and shortcomings, and I must say I am a bit disappointed by the whole incident, since I thought that I had worked very hard over the past ten years to smooth down my rough edges and integrate into my now-home country.

It seems I have failed.  Yet again.  Duh.

At the end of a day where I had a fight with my husband, my mom was upset with me the whole day because she heard me fighting with my husband, my employee cried and my patients were waiting for a whole hour, I got home and looked at Emma and still felt like I am really, truly blessed.  My daughter is the sunshine of my world.

Now if only I could undergo a personality transplant.

Monday, July 23, 2012


I wonder if our babies had after years of infertility are more prone to being "spoiled", i.e. indulged, more than fertile couple's kids.  Today I had a conversation with a lady who has five children and will probably have seven more before menopause without batting an eyelash.  She told me that all her babies slept by themselves in their cribs early on, that none of them was "difficult" in terms of putting to sleep, or leaving them alone to play without them asking for attention.

Emma is another story altogether.  She starts her night time mommy-is-my-prisoner time by rubbing her eyes at 8 pm and pretending that she is tired.  I say pretending because the moment we hit the bed, she jumps on me, stands up, walks along the margin of the bed, takes my book and crumples the cover, wants to play peekaboo under the sheets, and generally is more full of energy than at seven a.m when we wake up.  The fact that I am all too happy to indulge her is doing nothing to curtail this behaviour, of course, hence I am dealing every night with an hour of play time on the bed.

I am not very good at saying no and installing discipline as far as play/sleep delineations, or quiet/attention grabbing times.  Is this because of the way that I am, i.e. kinda' chill, or is it because I have waited for Emma for so long that she can do no wrong?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Emma is 11 months old!

Emma turned 11 months and one week today, and she is every bit as adorable as I imagined her to be, and then some.  She started walking recently, and today took a series of three to four steps, falling each time, then getting up and going for more.  She loves to eat rocks.  She poops sand, which  makes me think that either she is also sneaking in a good helping of sand along with the rocks when I do not notice, or that she might be digesting the rocks, which would make sense, given that she is my daughter and digestion is my forte in life.

She started playing the piano one key at a time, instead of hitting the keyboard with both hands.  However, when I pick her up and put her in front of the piano, the most attractive thing is the book with the songs, and she keeps on turning the pages, oblivious to the fact that I am trying to play whatever is on that page.  She started being very interested in books this past month, and turns pages one after the other, lingering over the pages that show pictures of cats.  We have a cat, and I think she sees the connection, but probably cannot compute why our cat is white and the one in the picture is black.

She loves going to the swimming pool, and also loves helping me make dinner.  By that I mean she takes all the bite size pieces that I have cut up for cooking and puts them in her mouth, or on the floor, then proceeds to do the exact same thing with the scraps of peel and seeds that I put in the "discard" basket.  She started eating with a spoon, if I load it up for her first, but usually puts it in her mouth backwards, and often grabs it with the left hand. She drinks from a glass very well but only if I hold the glass for her.  So far, no interest in holding the glass herself.  She likes to wash her hands in a big bowl of water that I prepare especially for that.

There is a lot more awareness of the world around her, and a lot more interest in details, like ants, or birds, or grass.  She also knows what she wants and expresses it very fiercely, with "nanana" sounds and shaking her head or her hand to show me that she means it.  She thinks that she rules the world, and in our house she sort of does...

Mama's girl, what can I say?

I have two interests right now concerning raising her:  one is an interest in the Montessori ideas, in particular that of involving the child into practical life aspects, as she actually does show a keen interest in everything cooking and cleaning related, and the second one is an interest in bilingual language development.  I am starting to speak in Romanian to her in the mornings.  Apparently kids need about exposure to a second language at least 30% of the time in order to pick it up, and the mornings account for that.  She is a bit bombarded with different languages, since I speak Romanian in the mornings and English in the evenings, while in the afternoons her nanny speaks Italian, and she is soon to be replaced by another nanny that speaks German.  The nanny languages though probably will not be interpreted as being as important as the ones that her own family speaks, and in particular I think she will at least understand Romanian if I make an effort.

It is an effort though, because I don't speak Romanian that often anymore, except on the phone with my  parents and whenever I go to Vancouver.  It is a fair idea to ask why bother.  I think it helps to learn a second language effortlessly as a baby, as it will ensure that forever the brain has awareness of what a language actually is.  I would also give her a sense of connection with my past, if that should ever become important to her.  Understanding the language of a country, even if one does not speak it, opens doors towards that particular culture.  I probably should work on using a relatively broader vocabulary in Romanian than I currently do, as I have let the language "linger" to a functional level for many years, and it became so sparse that I probably rarely venture outside of the basic vocabulary in my daily conversations.

Friday, July 6, 2012


I have been slacking off with the blogging, mainly because there is not much of great importance to write about, but also because I am very busy.  I am training to get back into a good physical shape before my next surgery, scheduled for August 9.  I am running 3-4 miles every second day, and doing weights.  I am 5'9" and weigh 162 lb.  I would like to lose another ten pounds this summer, and also I really want to get my shoulders stronger, since the left one is subluxating and creating pain when my muscle tone is weak.  I am very flexible, which means my ligaments are unstable, and if the muscle tone drops I start to hurt and am at risk of dislocating my joints, particularly the shoulders.  During my pregnancy, I could not train at all, since I was not allowed to exercise, and hence I ended up losing a lot of muscle tone.  I need about two more months to build it up.  Here where I live, in the North, it is very cold in winter, and it is difficult to exercise intensely, because just getting to the gym when it is dark and cold is difficult.  Summer, however, is long, warm and bright, and the perfect time for getting fit.  Summer is for gaining, winter is for maintaining.

Anyway, prior to my surgery everybody wants a picture of the inside of my uterus.  I suppose it is a great tourist attraction to my four gynes so far (the IVF one, the regular one here, the regular one in Vancouver, and the one that will perform the second transabdominal cerclage).  The IVF clinic tried to do a hysteroscopy, but I nearly fainted of pain and they did not succeed in their attempt.  Yesterday, the local gyne tried to do a hysterosalpingogram, and could not, despite (too many) many attempts, get the flexible catheter through my cervix.  I am a bit worried that I have cervical stenosis.  I am mainly worried in the sense that when they transfer the embryos, I hope there is enough room for the catheter to pass through.

Anyway, once again I nearly passed out in pain.  I was dizzy, nauseated, sweaty, bradycardic, and in agony.  I guess I am going to need sedation for a proper hysteroscopy, and I am hoping that the TAC surgeon-gyne will want to do it at the time of the TAC, as opposed to before, in order to save me an anesthetic.

The worry is that I might have adhesions in the uterus due to both the first TAC traversing the uterine walls, and to the two curettages that I have had to have during my enormous post partum bleed that nearly killed me.  Hopefully there are no adhesions, otherwise the whole second TAC is pointless if I cannot get pregnant.

Plan B is to go to India for a surrogate pregnancy if all else fails.  It is very expensive and very far, but for the life of me I cannot think of anybody closer to home that would like to loan me a uterus for nine months, so I might end up with a curry-loving baby.

I am quite peaceful about all my options, although a bit worried about how I will pay for the procedures, given how expensive it all is and the fact that I am only working three quarters time.  (I guess working full time would be the DUH answer, but I really love spending my mornings with Emma, and cannot envision leaving her in the morning every day just to see her at night.  I am so greedy for my time with her!).

Anyway, que sara sara.  We shall see.