Tuesday, September 25, 2012

winter coming

Winter is coming in our neck of the woods.  We have very hard, long winters, but for the past two years, due to the change in seasons and global warming, they have been very mild.  As an example, I have an extensive glove collection that I did not even touch last winter.  I did not need to wear gloves at all!  Seven years ago, I could not have opened a door because my skin would have glued onto the metal of the door knob if I did not protect my hands.

Somebody was telling me yesterday that because of the permafrost melting, further North in Yellowknife the roads were sinking.  Apparently we will have no polar ice left in three more years either.  This is scary.  I worry about Emma's future, the world that she will live in, and whether she will be able to live at all, because who knows how many human lives this change in temperature will claim. I am quite negative since thinking about all this.  I am also shocked by the fact that most people around me don't seem to worry at all.  I guess that is why I have anxiety disorder and they don't.

On the plus side, we had a lot of fun in the park this summer.  Emma managed to climb all the way to the top of a tall ladder (2.5 m) by herself, and then to go on the circular slide by herself as well.  It scares me a bit so I go behind her, but I am quite amazed by how strong she is.

All in all, one of the best summers so far.  I got to go outside during the day, which for a working person is a treat, and enjoyed the sunshine together with my daughter, which is the most important part.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

breastfeeding-hard to stop

I was asked why I have not posted  much lately.  I didn't think anybody was still reading my blog, haha.  It really is not all that interesting anymore, just life with a toddler, and the usual problems associated with being a working mom, namely not enough time, not enough energy, etc.  I have gone through a very tired patch, and also had a nasty viral infection with fever and vomiting, which took my energy right down to zero.  All in all, blogging fell by the wayside.

I am going to Vancouver in two weeks to see if the surgery to remove some of the scar tissue from the uterus has worked.  The gyne will try to put a small probe in the uterus, to see if the opening created is still there, or if it has scarred back down.  If it is still open, then the next thing is to put the cerclage back in place.  Then to do more IVF, once I stop breastfeeding, which I still haven't.

The breastfeeding thing is hard to stop.  I have more milk now than I had during her first few months of life, and she enjoys the bonding as well as the actual milk I guess.  Due to my hemorrhage, I did not manage to establish a milk supply in early life, so Emma was deprived of my milk the entire time.  This is why I feel guilty taking it away from her now, especially seeing as she enjoys it so much, and lays claim on my boobs with such awesome determination.  She pulls my clothes off, even in public, and grabs onto them in a way that is definitely supposed to mean "these are mine, you are mine".  She is so cute, it brings a smile to my face just writing this :)  I have to say, breastfeeding a smaller baby brings in me notions of survival and nutrition, but breastfeeding an older baby or a toddler is a lot more fun and meaningful emotionally.  This observation could be skewed by the fact that when Emma was small, breastfeeding was such a source of inadequacy and emotional pain for being unable to provide it, that it might be why I did not find it fulfilling.  I am finally enjoying it now, and so is she, so we will have a very hard time letting go.

However, if we do not let go, there will be no IVF.  Hence no future baby.  And we make such cute babies...