Sunday, July 31, 2011

Things I will miss about pregnancy

With ten days to go, here are ten things I will miss about being pregnant:
10.  Not having to suck my stomach in when I pose for pictures.
9.  Having an excuse to sit down in church, and everywhere else.
8.  My total addiction to being in the swimming pool as an anti-gravity tool.
7.  Being so easy on myself and allowing myself to rest whenever tired.
6.  Not worrying about weight gain as much as usual.  Or having an excuse for it anyway.  Allowing myself to eat ice cream.
5.  Always being warm and consequently the ability to take a cold shower without batting an eyelash.  Today I even took a cold bath.   Didn't phase me at all.
4.  Full hair and clear glowing skin.
3.  The delicious anticipation of having a baby.
2.  Feeling beautiful, full of life and incredibly happy.
1.  Feeling Emma move and sharing my body with her.

baby fashion

Most importantly:  ten days to go!  Yay!

I was sitting in a coffee shop today with MrH and a couple at the table next to us had a 3-4 week old baby girl.  She was so incredibly cute, I could not stop staring at her.  I still cannot believe that we are going to have one of those.  I mean this is the kind of thing that only happens to other people, at least in my head.  I will believe it when I see it.  

On the other hand, the cute little girl was dressed in doll like clothing, with lots of ruffles and bows and embroidery.  The clothes were very very sweet, and I started thinking that all I have ordered/received for Emma is onesies and normal cotton hats, etc.  Not ruffles definitely.  I received some crocheted stuff at the baby shower, but it is for when she is one year old at least.  Am I missing out on the opportunity to dress perhaps the only little girl I will have in doll like clothes and have immense fun with it?  I don't know.  I always thought that babies are so beautiful and pink and cute as they are, that one does not want to enhance them in any way with baby clothes that are too elaborate.  I definitely don't like jewelry on infants (like pierced ears).  They are natural and most beautiful in natural clothing.  (Enter brown organic cotton onesies by greenbaby...not very elegant, and definitely the epitome of plainness).   I don't know what to say.  Brown organic cotton or white embroidered ruffles and bows?  

Friday, July 29, 2011

overwhelmed

I don't know how to install the car seat.  I don't even fit in the back of my car to try to figure it out.  I can't read instructions very well because my attention span is short, and my patience is even shorter.  I struggled for two hours yesterday to collapse the Stokke stroller.  In the end, my husband did it in two seconds in the morning, just as I was going to return it back to the shop and was checking to see how much Greyhound would cost for a stroller return to Vancouver.  I bought a king size bed yesterday thinking that I would like to co-sleep with the baby, and cancelled the purchase today thinking that it would be too big for the bedroom and it would require repainting some of the walls to cover holes left behind by moving furniture and a big heavy wall mirror.  I can't handle this much change for now, I feel too overwhelmed.  I got a Stokke crib online and found out it was only going to arrive in September.  I cancelled that purchase as well.  Then I decided that I wanted a crib after all, and got the same crib from Vancouver, hopefully it will arrive by the end of August.  My car is very old (12 years old) and does not heat inside in winter, and I am worried that they won't be able to fix it, and Emma will be cold in the car, or more likely I will have to buy a new car and then worry about making payments while on mat leave or working half-time (i.e. not a lot of money).

I have all these worries all at once, and did not sleep a wink last night.  I used to be so cool, calm and collected about baby related problems, and only worried about pregnancy problems. Now, with 11 days to go, I am realizing that installing a car seat and learning how to open and close a stroller can very well be overwhelming, and that trying to make decisions about crib versus co-sleeping is well beyond my mushy placenta brain at the moment.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

37 weeks- Full Term!!!!

Full term today!  Can this be real?  I am not even so big as to waddle.  In fact, I hardly feel any different than I did at 28 weeks, minus the swollen hands and the insomnia.  Still swimming 1-1.5 km per day, which helps with all of my pregnancy discomforts.

Today I will be giving my obstetrician a nice goodbye gift -a really powerful juicer, same as the one I use (although it is not goodbye yet, he still has to do my c/section).  I am very thankful for everything he did for me, and am amazed that in such a small town as the one I live I got such really good care.

I am still fearing that something might go wrong with the pregnancy, as somewhere in my mind I still feel very defective and the thought of being able to carry a pregnancy to full term and beyond still does not match with the self image I had so far.  I suppose at some point I should change that self-image...  I also guess that I will soon have to let go of all of my infertility drama and move on to parenting.  Regardless of how I get to be a parent, I will still be only that, a parent.  Although as far as I am concerned, I will also be a woman for whom a miracle happened.

cure for perianal itch

I am not able to sleep at night any more than two to three hours.  I do most of my sleeping during daytime, from 7 am to about noon.  It works out well, and I am not too tired.  My main problem is that I would like to do stuff at night instead of just laying in bed, but I cannot make noise because MrH and grandma need to sleep, so I am resigned to reading books on my iphone.  Tonight I woke up quite swollen, after a generous dinner with friends, during which time I obviously consumed more salt than my body can handle.  I am sitting at the kitchen table eating watermelon from the fridge, and plotting a day with no salt intake, perhaps some cucumber juice as a mild diuretic, and mostly watery fruits and veggies.  I have been completely obsessed with cauliflower and cucumbers lately, so I am going to indulge today.

So, face swollen, hands swollen, restless legs killing me, my boobs are hurting and growing again like in the first trimester (when will they stop?), insomnia... the only thing that is in great shape still is my second opening of the digestive tract.  The one I don't eat with.  You know what I mean.  I feel a bit awkward sharing this on line, but I have a feeling it might help others, and besides I don't have that many readers, only a few hundred people read each post (from the stats), so I feel quite cozy and intimate here...

Anyway, fifty pounds heavier, summer heat, pregnant, and although not afflicted by hemorrhoids yet (hopefully not at all, dare I dream), I do get a very irritable bowel that needs to go twice a day (where is that constipation of pregnancy that I used to be so afraid of?  it is more like diarrhea of pregnancy for me in the last trimester).  At some points during the last three months, I have suffered from irritated skin that itches in the unmentionable area.  I had some samples of a facial toner by Shi.seido called Hydro nourishing softener.  It is too rich for my face, but I did not want to throw away the beautiful product.  So, I don't know how, I came up with the idea to use it on cotton pads to apply to the butt area when I was itchy at one point (perianal itch is so irritating, one will do anything to get rid of it).  It works like a charm!  it cleans, moisturizes, soothes, and leaves me in fantastic shape.  I have since tried it with other products, all toners, one being Pureness toner from Shi.seido, the other one being the Decleor toner that I use on my face.  None does the job really well like this particular softner/toner.

The only problem is, I ran out of sample bottles, and when I headed to the pharmacy to purchase a bottle of 150 ml, I discovered that it cost 44 dollars.  What can I say, my butt is high maintenance.  My facial toner is cheaper than this, really.  I found it on ebay recently for 19 dollars, and am waiting for it to arrive, in the meantime if anybody wants to try it I see numerous sample bottles for sale on ebay for 3-4 dollars.  If it sounds outrageous to treat one's bum hole with such reverence, then have a good laugh, but honestly, if you treat it well, the sense of comfort that you get back is divine.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

laundry day

I am washing about four loads of baby stuff right now, and folding it, and trying to organize it.  It is quite a lot of work.  I got a plastic (hate plastic, must forgive myself for polluting) container with drawers for the baby stuff, I just did not know how else I was going to organize it.  I still don't have a system.  I have brown, green, and white organic cotton onesies and sleepers for 0-3 and 3-6 months, then I have pink 3-6 months sets of pants and tops also in organic cotton.  And four swaddle blankets that I got from Aden and Anais or something like that, also organic cotton.  These were organized from before.  Now, with the baby shower, I also got a lot of newborn onesies in pink, 0-3 onesies and pants in pink, 3-6 onesies and pants and hats in pink, and numerous items for 6-12 months that came with hangers and hence I left them on the hangers and will wash/sort them later.

I have no system for the many colours, types of cotton, and ages.  I am so OVERWHELMED!  I think I will just pick six onesies, six sleepers, four blankets, two hats and four bibs and work with that for the beginning, if I need more then I will go to the drawers where I have stored the rest.  "The rest" (ie mountain of clothes) will be organized by months and type.  Do babies need more clothes than their mom?

I also got three toys and three soothers, one box of baby powder, one tube of zinc oxide, one container of lanolin, four washcloths, one foldable foam tub that you are supposed to put in the sink, one sling, one ergo carrier, two boxes of disposable diapers for the first week until my c/section heals enough to be able to do laundry, two boxes of disposable wipes (ditto), then the cloth diapers, and cloth wipes, a cloth bag to put the dirty diapers in, and flushable liners for cloth diapering.

I am one of those people who likes to do laundry daily or every other day, I would much rather wash small quantities often than large quantities less often.  This is why I think my system will work ok.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.  Does my plan make sense?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

surprise baby shower

Today I was invited for tea at a friend's house, and when I got there she had organized a surprise baby shower with a lot of the people in town.  I am often so humbled by the kindness of these people, and the attention to detail that they pay to my life.  Being a big town girl makes me used to anonymity, and I am certainly not one of the people who knit an outfit for a friend's baby shower, mostly because I lack the time but also because I am a bit lazy and selfish.  Despite these very attractive traits in me, the lovely women in this town threw me a baby shower and Emma will finally have some pink clothes to wear, 'cause all I bought was mud brown.  And to think that I have not ever gone to any of their baby showers, because of my own issues.  They have an immense ability to forgive I think.  I feel very honoured, not to mention how surreal it is to have another baby shower, I mean hey, this is fabulous, I am so spoiled.

Friday, July 22, 2011

the anti-chic

I am not very chic these days... I only fit into two pairs of pants, both of them cargo style three quarter length, one white and one army green.  I also only have three tops that fit me, all short sleeve.  I am not buying anymore clothes, so I am doing laundry daily.  However, between the cooking marathon that grandma subjects me to daily, and my birds that insist on cleaning up the leftovers on my shoulders, I have quite a few stains on me at any given time.  Usually when I leave the house I clean up, but today I decided that I needed coffee (ran out) and that the fact that my T-shirt was not ironed and had two small stains near the bottom hem was ok for a quick dash to the store...

Wrong!  I ran into three acquaintances, and somehow they managed to swallow their look of surprise at seeing me without makeup, hair up in a twist with flyaways everywhere, and the above mentioned t-shirt with cargo pants and flat shoes.  I have become the ANTI-Chic.

Never again.  Got home, did my makeup, changed my T-shirt, and swore up and down that I am never leaving the house in a state less than presentable.  This town is too small.   I got spoiled by the anonymity in Vancouver.

Push present

Here is an important question: am I still eligible for a push present if I get a C/section?  The reason it is important is because I did another ebay bidding doodle and won a pair of antique sea pearl earrings, which I can only justify as my push present to myself...hm, I wonder when I will start to behave like a responsible parent?  I thought I was, I already sold half my perfume collection on ebay and am starting to trim out the purse collection as well.  I had managed to finance the Graco Snugride carseat with my purchases and was quite full of pride...

Two days ago I ran into an acquaintance who had twin girls due at the same time as Adrian.  They were 15 months old, and I could not help but think that Adrian would have been 15 months as well, if he had lived. I suspect these thoughts will never leave me, although I am immensely happy about having Emma.  I had a great pregnancy with her (minus the nausea and vomiting) and do not regret having to get pregnant again, or having to have the cerclage, or the c/section.  I just wish I had both babies.  Although, as MrH correctly points out, if I had Adrian, I would not have had Emma, but another baby, from another egg and sperm, in a different ovulatory/IVF cycle.  I guess what is meant to happen will happen.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Home, 36 weeks

I had a pretty hard time sleeping up to now, since I got home.  I don't know exactly why, but I think it is because I am now sleeping with MrH, and hence I have to adjust to having another person that I love so much next to me (and only half to one third of the bed), plus I get up late in the mornings, much later than at my parents's house (they used to wake up and make noise at seven am).  Last night I slept better, for the first time.  I hope things will continue to improve.  Otherwise I am up until five am admiring my loving husband in his sleep, and feeling very lucky to have my whole family in one bed.  Warning:  being too happy can keep one awake.

Grandma is a challenge, or as I like to call it, an exercise in patience.  She gets very cold and won't let me open windows or turn on the fans.  I walk around practically naked to avoid boiling.  She also gets upset if I leave the house for more than one hour, probably because she is bored without me, and tries to make me feel guilty.  Too bad, I still need to do my own thing.  If there is one lesson I have from MrH, it's that we must let each other live.  Amen.

On the other hand I am learning lots about traditional Romanian cooking, which I am required to do with her daily.  If I don't, then she panics about there not being enough food in the fridge.  I am seriously looking forward to being allowed to eat my grains, beans and veggies without being constantly reminded that I am going to fall over and die if I don't eat meat.

Emma is moving lots, and we are competing for space now.  I need someplace to park my liver, she needs to stretch her legs, and we are fighting for the little bit of real estate that my body can offer.  I dreamt that I was having a lot of bleeding all of a sudden, and that I needed an emergency c/section.  In my dream, I was diagnosed with bleeding from vasa previa, which is a very very rare condition.  Why would I dream of that, only Jung would know, and he died before telling me.  Hopefully everything will go according to plan, and no emergency c/s will take place, because I have arranged everything for the planned date, and I don't even have a hospital bag.  I got some baby wipes, and that is about it.  I still need diapers (I only have cloth at home, and need some newborn size disposables for the hospital), some granny pants, some giant pads, and pajamas.  Plus toiletries.  Our hospital does not provide diapers or pads anymore.  At least I don't need to bring my own anesthetic, that's all that matters.  And the anesthetist that works on my c/s day is generous with drugs, he gave me the anesthetic when I had the TAC placement operation, and I was in Lala Land the whole time, despite the fact that it was done under a spinal.

I am kidding, I don't actually want drugs, I want to be able to get out of recovery as soon as possible so that I can hold Emma next to me.  The one hour interval between the c/s and holding the baby seems impossibly long.  Perhaps I can bribe the nurses in recovery to allow MrH to bring her to me, but I am not going to hold my breath about it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Going home

After three months I am now going home, to my husband and parrots and cat.  I need to nest a little before Emma arrives.  So, Grandma in tow, I will be flying out of Vancouver on this rainy day.  I am definitely going to miss my parents, they have been great to me, and my brother with whom I have had a chance to connect, and my parents' dog who finally doesn't run away from me anymore (yep, that large German Shepherd who barks at everyone else menacingly is afraid of me, go figure).

I had a great time, and am pleased that I could reconnect with my friends as well.  I definitely have a lot of history in Vancouver and I suspect that will always make this place feel like home.  I am however antsy to see my own house, to set it up for the baby's arrival, and to sleep next to my husband for a change.  I also feel the need to take care of him.

Emma is very high under my ribs and she makes me short of breath very often now.  Yesterday, at the OB's office, I was suffocating on the table and had to sit up in a panic while he was trying to listen to the heartbeat.  My ribs are hurting constantly as well.  I can't wait for my uterus to finally tip forward and give me some room to breathe.  I know that because of the cerclage, Emma's head will never descend into the pelvis, so the only place that my uterus can go is forward, if my abdominal muscles allow it to.  At this point in time I wish I did not have "navy seal abs" like my OB once said, so that the whole heavy uterus can be allowed to dislodge from under my ribs and let me breathe.

Other than this relatively minor discomfort, I feel great.  No edema whatsoever thanks to the swimming.  Weight this morning 210 lb on mom's scale, I suspect it will be slightly less on mine.  (I have started this IVF at 155 lb and this pregnancy at 164 lb).  I should say that the total weight gain is now 55 lb (45 lb pregnancy, 10 lb IVF drugs).  I think at home, with my own diet and my own kitchen, it will be easier to control the salt intake and hence the weight might decrease a bit, or at least not increase any further.   At this point I am watching it more with scientific interest than with any real emotion, what will be will be.  (I am just curious how much of that weight really is mine).  I have gone through several sets of maternity pants, growing out of each pair sequentially.  The pants I am in now were so large at the beginning of the pregnancy that I considered donating them, but thought better of it and kept them.  I now fill them just right.

Emma is continuing to move every night, more and more visibly, like she wants to come out through the skin.  I am making videos of her every night with awe.  The OB assured me that she will not knot her chord and die in utero like I worry.  (Just in case you thought that DEAD BABY THOUGHTS have disappeared, they have not, but common sense prevails and I don't pay much attention to them.  We cohabitate in peace).  I suspect that for the rest of my life I will worry and worry about Emma's life, just like any other (neurotic) parent.

I am now going for one last swim in the lovely pool here in Vancouver, just before leaving for the airport.  Catch you all on the other side.

Monday, July 11, 2011

baby shower

It went fabulously!  we had great food, and presents, and really nice weather, and good company, in a word a lot of fun.  I ate too much cake and now I am getting a zit on my chin.  Which goes to show, if you want great skin, don't eat sugar.  But I digress, here are some pictures:






Hungry yet?  What can I say, mom really knows how to throw a party...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Watch out, Impending baby shower

Congratulations to Emily at Aidan, baby of mine (See link in the right hand side) for having had a live baby girl after her long ordeal with PPROM and bedrest.  Head over there and give her a hug if you know her story!

I am about to have my baby shower in half an hour.  I feel quite full of emotions like I am about to graduate from university or get married or do something equally big.  Once you have the shower, everybody expects you to have a live baby I think, I mean why else do they give you baby stuff?  So it is like publicly being acknowledged as ready to have a baby.  It might seem like I am making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but really, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE IT HERE!  So I am going to enjoy it lots lots lots and eat cake too!

Yiruma, River flows in you

I absolutely love this song

It smelled nice too

Can't get enough of The Belly Show!

video

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Grandma and more

It is four AM, and after peeing for about ten times (eight of which before one am, when I fell asleep), I decided that my heroic efforts to sleep can now come to an end, since I slept all of three hours, yo! and I can ramble into the world wide web with that free flowing train of unintelligible thoughts created by a mixture of tiredness, excitement, lack of sleep and progesterone.

Tomorrow is going to be my BABY SHOWER!!!! For those of you watching for signs that the world is coming to an end, I am convinced that the next thing is to watch pigs coming from the sky on parachutes.  Equally unlikely to have happened a few months ago, yet now... perhaps I am starting to join the rest of the human race.  

After my baby shower and the raining pigs, the next unlikely step in the sequence of events is that I am going home to my Little Town WITH GRANDMA ! She will be staying with MrH and me and the birds and the cat until I deliver, then my mom will join us as well and MrH will find himself in the middle of a big Romanian circus for two more weeks, surrounded by three (no, four by then, with Emma) Romanian women all screaming for attention.  The poor man, not knowing what to do, will probably work double shifts at work just to get away.  We, on the other hand, figuring that he needs to eat to keep up his strength after all this work, will be feeding him pastry and home cooked meals until he won't remember what has happened to him.  

MrH, are you afraid yet?  You sweet thing you...

But, all joking aside, this definitely begs the question as to why is grandma coming with me for such a long time, in particular since she did not say that she wants to come or that she does not want when I asked her, and hence I had to make the decision and say "you're coming", then change the tickets for both of us one more time at 100 dollars per person per change, then listen patiently AFTERWARDS to her explain why she cannot come ("I'm tired, I'm cold and I get dizzy" being the most coherent reasons that I got so far), then nodding and saying yes, you are still coming, knowing that her excuses are just so that if she does not enjoy the trip she has me to blame for making her come with me.  

Moreover, why would I decide that she should come?  Difficult question... As many of you may have noticed, she does say mean things and is very often critical and hard to be with, but at the same time she is old and pretty frail, and she will not live long, hence it would be nice to spend some time with her now that I can.  I am the only one not working at the moment, if I left her in Vancouver she would get bored all by herself all day long.  She can keep me company while I am knitting on the porch with Max on my shoulder.  

I was talking to my mom yesterday about how she is so incredibly difficult and critical, yet both of us know that she raised us with utmost care.  There were hard economic times when mom was small, and enough food only for one of them two, so grandma would not eat until mom had finished eating just so that she has enough.  As for me, left in her care for a few years while my parents lived on a construction site as part of their training in civil engineering, I remember her stuffing me full of food and shouting at me to eat more and more every day.  I asked her now why, why did she have to forcefully feed me until I gained more weight than a normal 3 year old should (probably creating my lifelong battle with the adipose tissue early on, and my complex about being overweight even when my BMI has always been 23-24, which is normal by Canadian standards).  She told me now that she was afraid that my parents would criticize her for not taking proper care of me if I was not fat.  Like this, with me being overweight, she could pride herself into having done a good job.  This must be a war concept that I am clearly not getting with my life spent counting calories....

Anyway, long story short, grandma is important to both of us, and she is coming with me, so ya'll be hearing about her in the next month I think.  Unless she refuses to get on that plane.  Which she is totally capable of doing, even after letting me pack her bags, and at the last minute.  This is great practice for the terrible twos coming up for me shortly. 

Speaking of which, I saw a book at Winners about potty training, for about 3 dollars.  I briefly glanced at it, shrugged, and elected to spend the 3 dollars on a pair of blue boy shorts in microfiber.  Anybody here think that it hasn't yet clicked in for me that I am having a baby?  Please don't all raise your hands at the same time, my laptop screen will crack. 

  

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Non-virtuous living, or doing all the no-no's

Today we had good weather, my Chanel purse has finally arrived by mail as the postal strike is over (pictures to follow, about the purse not the postal strike), and I met a wonderful lady who, despite battling many health related setbacks, is wanting to compete in a triathlon, have a baby, and go to medical school.  And I am willing to bet that she will do it all.  People never fail to impress me.  So many people much better than I am, with determination that I admire, doing things that are amazing from all points of view.  What did I do to deserve this happiness?  This goes to show that often it is all about how the die fall, and hardly ever about merit in this life.

Lest anybody think that I am virtuous, even now at 34 weeks, with a big belly, I go to my local Starbucks every morning and, presenting my Starbucks card, I ask for a grande soy latte.  The Korean girl behind the counter looked at me today and asked: "do you want decaf?"  I said nope, not at all, need my caffeine, have had it every single day during this whole pregnancy, and if I don't have it my baby will be asleep the whole day, and she's got stuff to do.  Hey, at least I didn't pull out a cigarette to go with the coffee!

I also eat sushi/sashimi like a penguin, and other than feeling bad when my husband reprimands me, I am doing pretty well otherwise... Although I did have to stop about two weeks ago because I can't handle the salt in the soy sauce.  Ditto for unpasteurized cheeses, I don't even know which cheeses are pasteurized.  Probably the ones that taste bad.  No, wait, those are the low fat ones.  Don't touch them with a ten foot pole!

In my previous attempts at pregnancy I was very virtuous and gave up the caffeine, and the sushi, but this time I even drank it during IVF.  I pretty much was convinced nothing was going to work anyway, so hey, might as well wake up properly in the mornings.  I was right about one thing:  in life we get what we get, not what we deserve.  See, no point in being too virtuous, I tell ya...

pregnant body

When I lost Adrian, I also met a wonderful photographer that did our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures.  I thought at that time that if I get a chance to be pregnant again, I would like her to do pregnancy photos for me, and then again for the baby once she is born.  So I contacted her to make an appointment for when I go back home, and was given a list of things that I needed to bring, among which, duh... some lingerie.  I realized that I, the guru of underwear, only have two functional bras, one white and one skin coloured, and the only panties that fit me are plain, mostly black, thong/G-strings from my previously well stocked collection.  I have resisted buying underwear because I did not think that I would be at this size for too long, so I wanted to avoid the financial investment, and also because I could not find easily bras in my current size (40 D).  Gasp!  Most stores stop at 38 D or 36 DD.  None of those options fit me, I have a large thoracic circumference and really need the extra 2 inches.  

However, I needed underwear that I can be comfortably seen and photographed in, and I have high standards, meaning lacy and well made and no digging into my skin, and flattering, etc etc.  And most importantly matching sets only.  I hate it when the tops and bottoms don't match.  I don't just mean colour.  I mean perfect match.  So today I set myself out on a mission to find the needed items at the lowest possible price, hence I started with Winners.  After one and a half hours of trying stuff on, I can promise you that if you are my size, you will not be able to find both a bra and a pair of panties that fit and are flattering.  Don't even try.  Mission failed miserably.  I wanted to compromise and felt that I could not, that I would betray my principles if I did and would not have enjoyed wearing something that was not meeting the standards. 

So I gave up on the frugal aspect and went to Change lingerie, which is not the most expensive but makes nice lace items that live through many washes and come out still standing.  I would have gone for CK but Mr Calvin fits me well when I am less...cellulite ridden, because their panties are smooth and thin and hence show everything with no distraction.  So Change it was.  In a matter of 10 minutes I found a white bra with matching boy shorts and bikini bottoms, and the same thing in black, plus two sets of breastfeeding bras and underwear that I had to order.  Their material is not the softest, but the abundance of well designed lace distracts from any imperfections and stands out on the skin very well.  In short, I was super pleased, and decided that the feminine and well-cared for feeling that I was experiencing made the steep price tag worth it, even though I did not know how long I would be wearing the x-large bottoms for.  

Pleased and content that I was finally coming home to myself (that is what it felt like, seriously), I modelled for my mom and my grandmother the black set.   My mom loved it.  My grandmother must have been in one of her moods, because she informed me that I am now fat, I have gained weight, I look "solid" and that I used to be thin, but hey, now that I am pregnant and am eating everything, what can I expect.  She was very matter-of-factly about it, like informing me that I had mail.  

I did not say anything about it, but it bothered me for a few hours, and I even cried when I told the story to MrH.  I now weigh 50 lb over my normal weight, 40 lb from the pregnancy, and 10 lb from IVF.  There is no denying that I have put on weight, despite fairly careful eating and swimming 1 to 1.5 km every day.  My body likes to put on a lot of weight with hormonal fluctuations, and there is not much I can do.  But.  BUT.  My wonderful husband was able to remind me that I am pregnant, that the estrogen in my body makes the fat layer thicker in preparation for breastfeeding, and that this is all a normal process.  In addition, I am honestly very happy about being big and pregnant, I have wanted this for so long, that I guess what hurt me more is that others don't see me as beautiful as I see myself.  I thought I looked like hot stuff in my sexy lingerie, and my grandmother's comments made me see myself through her eyes, and perhaps through other people's eyes as well.  Other people who don't know that I have fought long and hard for 3 years for the privilege of being this big and pregnant.  

So, after a lovely conversation with my husband, who somehow always makes me feel better about other people's crap, I decided that yes, others might see my wide thighs and the obvious layer of fat that has deposited on my butt, but that I have a different lens for my own body, and fortunately my husband does to.  We know what a privilege this is.  We know what an amazing process this has been, and how hard it was to get here, and what immense satisfaction we get out of my huge belly and Emma's kicking.  And WE LOVE ME PREGNANT, fat and all.  

The funny epilogue of this story is that after this conversation, I went swimming and did my 1.5 km as usual.  Two people, at two different occasions, asked me how many laps I did and how I can swim so much, and wanted advice about where to get bathing caps (I have my neoprene triathlon style cap which makes me look very much like I mean business).  I felt like the athlete of the moment in the pool.  I should have taken a picture of their faces when I got out of the pool and my belly became visible, I don't think they had realized up to that point that I was pregnant!  

Sunday, July 3, 2011

33.5 weeks

Saturday, July 2, 2011