breastfeeding-hard to stop

I was asked why I have not posted  much lately.  I didn't think anybody was still reading my blog, haha.  It really is not all that interesting anymore, just life with a toddler, and the usual problems associated with being a working mom, namely not enough time, not enough energy, etc.  I have gone through a very tired patch, and also had a nasty viral infection with fever and vomiting, which took my energy right down to zero.  All in all, blogging fell by the wayside.

I am going to Vancouver in two weeks to see if the surgery to remove some of the scar tissue from the uterus has worked.  The gyne will try to put a small probe in the uterus, to see if the opening created is still there, or if it has scarred back down.  If it is still open, then the next thing is to put the cerclage back in place.  Then to do more IVF, once I stop breastfeeding, which I still haven't.

The breastfeeding thing is hard to stop.  I have more milk now than I had during her first few months of life, and she enjoys the bonding as well as the actual milk I guess.  Due to my hemorrhage, I did not manage to establish a milk supply in early life, so Emma was deprived of my milk the entire time.  This is why I feel guilty taking it away from her now, especially seeing as she enjoys it so much, and lays claim on my boobs with such awesome determination.  She pulls my clothes off, even in public, and grabs onto them in a way that is definitely supposed to mean "these are mine, you are mine".  She is so cute, it brings a smile to my face just writing this :)  I have to say, breastfeeding a smaller baby brings in me notions of survival and nutrition, but breastfeeding an older baby or a toddler is a lot more fun and meaningful emotionally.  This observation could be skewed by the fact that when Emma was small, breastfeeding was such a source of inadequacy and emotional pain for being unable to provide it, that it might be why I did not find it fulfilling.  I am finally enjoying it now, and so is she, so we will have a very hard time letting go.

However, if we do not let go, there will be no IVF.  Hence no future baby.  And we make such cute babies...