Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Beta Hell

This is this morning's test, taken with the iphone.  The line is pretty clear now.  It is definitely getting darker by the day, which is great, because that means that I am probably going to pass "Beta Hell".  For the fertile women out there (what are you guys doing reading my blog anyway?), Beta Hell is something reserved to us, the lucky girls who go through assisted reproduction.  The beta HCG hormone level needs to double every 48 hours or so.  If it does not, if it only goes up a little, not even one and a half times increase, then you know you'll likely miscarry, at some point in the future.  The problem is that nothing is certain.  You don't know IF you will miscarry (miracles have been known to happen, just google "good beta HCG stories" or something like that), when (it could be in a week, or in seven weeks), and usually all you are asked to do anyway is to wait, and to keep going to the lab every second day to get another blood test, ad nauseam.

I have been through Beta Hell three times so far, passed once with Adrian, then failed twice with the subsequent chemical pregnancies.  When I passed, it was simple: take one test, then another one two days later, doubling well, done.  When I failed, it was ...hellish.  I took one test, which showed low numbers.  I was told to take another one in two days, which I did.  It was the same.  I was told that I would likely miscarry, but to still take the hormone supplements, in case the embryo revives and starts dividing, a miracle that has less than 1% chance of happening.  Well, I thought to myself, so does incompetent cervix, and look, I got that one, so let's keep hoping.  Apparently the rule for me is:  if something BAD has a chance of less than 1% of happening, it will happen.  If something GOOD has the same statistics, then get real, who do you think you are?

Anyway, long story short, I waited, and did bloodwork diligently for about eight days, during which time I became numb from having my hopes crushed repeatedly and regularly, like a hammer.  The numbers were staying the same.  I started praying that the stupid embryo stop living and producing beta HCG, so that I can stop hoping and crying each time.  I even plotted embryonic assassination by stopping my hormones.  Well, we all know how that one ended.  And the next one.

But not BabyH.  He is already demonstrating his superior capacities by providing me with an increasingly darkening strip daily :).  I think we are going to get along just fine...

I am sick like a dog, lying in bed.  Yesterday MrH told my workplace to cancel my day, because he knew that I am a true verified workaholic, and would not dream of ever calling in sick.  I don't think I have done that since grade seven.  I figure a cold is not a reason to slow down, you just show up, wear a mask, wash your hands and try not to faint (sitting helps, standing is harder).  I think MrH is already behaving like an expectant father again, by protecting me against the elements.  I love a man who listens to his protective instincts!  that is very sexy.  Score one for MrH.  Unfortunately, there will be no sex for us for the next nine months, as with my colourful history the only thing allowed in my vagina is the dildocam, and only if it wears a condom.

My only symptoms so far are occasional cramping, like I am about to get my period (which is scary, because I keep waiting to get my period and wipe babyH off the face of my endometrium) and itchy nipples.  That is a weird one, but I think it is the beginning of sensitive nipples.  I also have blue veins starting to show up on my chest, like a river, bifurcating, one to each breast.  Or maybe I am making this whole thing up, hoping for some symptoms to make this pregnancy real.  Because honestly, it still hasn't clicked in that I AM PREGNANT!


  1. I'm one of your "fertile" followers. I found you thought LFCA after submitting my own story of loss. My husband and I tried for 6 months (I know not very long) before conceiving our rainbow baby. At the time I thought it was taking forever and I really thought I would never be able to have another child. After finding out about all the things that really can go wrong and how long it really can take, I find your blog very interesting and have been praying for good news, and praying for a healthy baby for you. I know how truly blessed I am and will never take that for granted.
    Your story is very interesting to me and I am thankful for LFCA for posting your blog. Praying for all of your TTC followers and for your new baby to stick!

  2. ALL FERTILE PEOPLE ARE WELCOME TO READ MY BLOG! I am really just kidding and love to poke fun at you guys, but the truth is I am open to anyone here, being fertile does not mean being immune from pain, and it is trying to survive pain and be hopeful again that brings us here anyway!

  3. Beta Hell SUCKS and can go bite a big one. Good luck, and I hope your betas are big and doubling!!!!!! (((HUGS)))

  4. I new you were just joking, I just wanted to let you know why I was following. :)