Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I have been through Beta Hell three times so far, passed once with Adrian, then failed twice with the subsequent chemical pregnancies. When I passed, it was simple: take one test, then another one two days later, doubling well, done. When I failed, it was ...hellish. I took one test, which showed low numbers. I was told to take another one in two days, which I did. It was the same. I was told that I would likely miscarry, but to still take the hormone supplements, in case the embryo revives and starts dividing, a miracle that has less than 1% chance of happening. Well, I thought to myself, so does incompetent cervix, and look, I got that one, so let's keep hoping. Apparently the rule for me is: if something BAD has a chance of less than 1% of happening, it will happen. If something GOOD has the same statistics, then get real, who do you think you are?
Anyway, long story short, I waited, and did bloodwork diligently for about eight days, during which time I became numb from having my hopes crushed repeatedly and regularly, like a hammer. The numbers were staying the same. I started praying that the stupid embryo stop living and producing beta HCG, so that I can stop hoping and crying each time. I even plotted embryonic assassination by stopping my hormones. Well, we all know how that one ended. And the next one.
But not BabyH. He is already demonstrating his superior capacities by providing me with an increasingly darkening strip daily :). I think we are going to get along just fine...
I am sick like a dog, lying in bed. Yesterday MrH told my workplace to cancel my day, because he knew that I am a true verified workaholic, and would not dream of ever calling in sick. I don't think I have done that since grade seven. I figure a cold is not a reason to slow down, you just show up, wear a mask, wash your hands and try not to faint (sitting helps, standing is harder). I think MrH is already behaving like an expectant father again, by protecting me against the elements. I love a man who listens to his protective instincts! that is very sexy. Score one for MrH. Unfortunately, there will be no sex for us for the next nine months, as with my colourful history the only thing allowed in my vagina is the dildocam, and only if it wears a condom.
My only symptoms so far are occasional cramping, like I am about to get my period (which is scary, because I keep waiting to get my period and wipe babyH off the face of my endometrium) and itchy nipples. That is a weird one, but I think it is the beginning of sensitive nipples. I also have blue veins starting to show up on my chest, like a river, bifurcating, one to each breast. Or maybe I am making this whole thing up, hoping for some symptoms to make this pregnancy real. Because honestly, it still hasn't clicked in that I AM PREGNANT!
Posted by MrsH at 9:41 AM