Today I had a little hint of nausea. I don't really think that it was pregnancy-related, as it is too early (normally the nausea stage of my pregnancy starts at 6 weeks), but it was exciting nevertheless. My breasts are slowly becoming more painful as well, kind of premenstrual-like, and I have lost a total of 6 lb from the 10 lb gained on Suprefact, I still have four more to go. I watch what I eat, but I am not as strict anymore. I just try to not overdo it, and to choose sensibly most of the time. That did not stop me from having three deserts in the past two days, but to my defense I only had about two tablespoons of each.
Over the past three days, the news about my pregnancy got out there (at 4 weeks and 3 days! the earliest pregnancy announcement in history), and hence a lot of people want to know details. Women, in particular, who know that the baby was conceived via IVF, want to know details of my trials and tribulations involved in conceiving this baby. I tell them about my six attempts so far, try to describe exactly what is involved (depending on the person's level of understanding), and hint a little about the emotional and financial drain involved. Well, I am baffled to report, it amazes me how many times I get the following response: "and I on the other hand can get pregnant just by looking at my husband" or "just by thinking about wanting to be pregnant" or "always in the first month of trying" or "I barely came off the pill and got pregnant both times". I mean HELLO, anybody home in your brain?
It is a bit like going to a homeless person and telling them that I, on the other hand, have a nice warm house, with a lovely cat and a delicious dinner on the stove, and running hot water every time I want it. Or like going to your friend who has cancer and telling them that I, on the other hand, am brimming with good health and hope to live to be a hundred. I think women have a subconscious need to compete, in order to secure their spot in the pack, and how do we compete? by bragging about our mate, our ability to reproduce, and our kids. I cannot believe how insensitive some people can be. I can instantly tell the level of empathy that a person might have by how they respond to the news about my infertility. And I have had some pretty calloused responses in my life, I tell ya'.
However, the truth about my current state of affairs is that no matter what happens, I have this secret happiness that simply cannot allow anything to overtake it. It's like I have a light flickering inside me and there is no way it can get dark. I share my life with another being, it is so magical! The first time I got pregnant, I was not able to separate myself from the concept of my baby, until I actually held it in my arms, and saw that he was an individual, different from me. Now I seem to be acutely aware that I am carrying another human inside, not just a bunch of my own cells that are busy reproducing. Whatever stage it is at, even when it was just a ball of cells, I cannot think of babyH as anything other than a separate human being, an embryonic person. And most of all, at all moments of the day and night, I feel like a vessel, whose needs come second, whose body comes second, who feeds and houses and protects babyH, and I love being this vessel more than anything in the wold. Everything is now put into a different perspective, where work, and conflicts, and worries about mundane stuff comes second, a far second to my first and foremost job, that of being the mothership.