Thursday, December 9, 2010

Statistics and fear

I have bored myself silly reading statistics about miscarriages and live birth rates.  I really don't know why I bother.  My pregnancy with Adrian went pretty well, had excellent HCG numbers, and I could actually detect a fetal heartbeat with the doppler ultrasound at 8.5 weeks, and yet I lost him, with a 99% chance of live birth.  I was in the other 1% category.  Why do I bother reading statistics?  I should just enjoy my newly unfolding pregnancy and try taking it one day at a time.

And for the most part, I do.  (I have even downloaded a pregnancy countdown box for fun, not because I really believe I will have a baby at some point, but because I have always wanted one).  In reality, occasionally, such as tonight, I freak out in worry.  I had too many liquids during the day because my throat was dry, and when I came home I did my customary pee test, because I cannot live without knowing at least at 12 hour intervals that there is still pregnancy hormone in my body.  The line was, naturally, faint, because the urine was so dilute.  However, all the knowledge in the world could not stop me from worrying that the pregnancy is dying, just like the other two chemical pregnancies did.

I know that in all likelihood tomorrow morning the test will be darker still, just as it has been darkening progressively over the past four mornings.  But tonight no amount of logic can ease off this terror that accompanies me at every step, that I will lose my baby again, just like I did before.  Inside me there is a little scared woman who thinks that she is doomed to lose every baby in her life, to go repeatedly through the same trauma until the hurt of it is more than the pain of stopping.  Hopefully though, there is also a woman who can live in the moment a little, and enjoy the knowledge that every second is shared with a little soul the size of a grain of sand.


  1. *HUGS* Today a little grain of sand, tomorrow a small pebble. Your time has come :) Enjoy it for however long MrsH, it is your time. Stats are just that, Stats. We can fiddle the numbers to suit our needs, or we can enjoy the ride and the day as it may be. Always including you in my prayers.

  2. You are so right! Thank you for your prayers <3

  3. I know what it is like to obsess with the pee sticks, but now is the time to relax. Light a candle and turn off the lights... put on some music..... meditate- do whatever to relax. I don't think stress hormones can help the whole pregnancy!

    When I was trying to get pregnant with #2, I had to force myself to relax because I was going nuts! Granted I had it super easy compared to a lot of people out there and got pregnant as soon as I ovulated off of my birth control (I am one of those fertiles that reads your blog :) ), but before there was a point where I didn't have my period for 52 days and still no positive pregnancy test. I didn't like those pee sticks controling my life!

    Relax and think, everything will be alright. Positive thinking never hurt anybody, right?

  4. I know I'll feel the same way if this FET works. It's so hard to not worry and once you've been on the losing side of statistics more than once it's very hard to find comfort in them. Thinking of you & so happy and excited for you in this moment! Hoping and praying things continue smoothly. You definitely deserve this happiness!

  5. ((hugs)) you are right, why do we even bother with stats. i did everything "right" had a healthy happy baby boy and lost him unexpectedly one day out of the blue. i say you just enjoy every sec you are pg. you deserve it!