Thursday, December 2, 2010

depressed and sleepy

The evaporation lines are gone today.  This makes me very sad.  I am reliving my last two IVF's, when I got positives and then fainter and fainter lines, until negatives came out.  It is the way of the embryos that do not survive after a brief attempt at implantation.  I cannot make any judgements this time though, because I never got an actual positive, just evap lines, which can be a fluke.  Also, with two embryos, it is impossible to say what is going on, as one might have attempted implantation and failed, but there is still another one left.  Lastly, I am only on day 8 past ovulation technically (Monday was day 5 past ovulation, with the blastocysts), so still too early for any home pregnancy test to be accurate anyway.

I have decided that all this testing is making me crazy, and I will stop.  I will perhaps start testing again on the weekend, on day 10 or 11.

In the meantime, my house is very depressing.  I am too tired to do anything, too tired to even put my clothes back in the closet, so they are resting on the ironing board.  I haven't unpacked yet, so two large suitcases are waiting for me to empty them.  I don't cope with all this at all.  The progesterone is making me very very tired, and the waiting is making me very very depressed, with the end result of not wanting to get out of bed.  Today I had a bad TMJ inflammation, to the point that I could not eat anything other than pureed foods.  This is because I slept for one hour (took a nap) at lunch without the bite guard.  Bad idea, I now cannot chew, because my teeth no longer overlap properly.

My schedule is something like this:  wake up, feel immensely tired, unable to have coffee because it is not allowed during IVF, then work as best as I can through the morning, go home and take a half hour nap, drag myself back to work and try to survive through the afternoon while yawning every 10 minutes (that upsets my jaw as well BTW), then go back home at 6 pm and fall asleep, often in my work clothes, on the bed.  Wake up at 10 pm, eat something, type my notes (for work) which I did not finish during work day, blog, change into pajamas, brush teeth and apply multiple facial creams, spend 5 min with the bird and the cat, and fall asleep again around midnight, until 8 am.  I sleep a total of 12 hours per day.  I work a total of 9 hours.  I live for the remaining three hours, one of which is spent on hygiene, and the other two on eating and doing more work on the computer at home because despite spending 9 hours at work, with my current mental fog, I don't manage to get everything done, so I need to bring the computer home and finish another hour of typing in bed.

I am pretty sure that this is the progesterone making me so tired, as I am always like this after a transfer, but I know that the waiting is the most tiresome part.

I feel so pathetic.  I am just existing, I hate my life like this.  I cannot do anything, not allowed to exercise, not allowed to diet, and just discovered today that I will need to buy extra large underwear, for my very large butt.  I have never needed extra large underwear in my life.  If I don't get pregnant, I will go on a diet again, and hopefully I can postpone the requirement for new underwear shopping, as I don't feel like buying anything sexy right now, and am afraid I will walk out of the shop with frumpy undies, which is a no-no in my book.  No matter how bad life gets, frumpy underwear is out.


  1. I'm glad you're taking a break from the tests, really it's entirely too early to get an accurate result so no sense in causing yourself undue stress right now. Focus on the now, taking one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself. Sending love & hope your way ((hugs))

  2. It is way too early to test and I know the roller coaster of emotions that you go through when the result is a negative. As hard as it is, give it until at least 8DPT or 10DPT. Sending good thoughts and prayers!

  3. i feel ya on this post. i'm driving myself crazy with the tests too. i'm 7 dpo, and had to pretty much smack some sense into myself to keep from testing this morning. i do hope that you get some relief from the fatigue soon. ((hugs))

    i wanted to tell you that i gave you a blog award. you can check out my last post to see it. pls know that you don't have to play along AT ALL if you don't want. it was just my way of saying how much i appreciate you being with me in this time of sorrow, and being so inspirational to me.

  4. I do believe everyone is entitled to have depressive periods... we are human.. and that darn progesterone! Makes me a zombie myself, even the most hardened person gets to be a walking grump machine with the small doses of progesterone, you must be superhuman to take the massive dose and still be semi functional!

  5. All these is temporary. It WILL change. People have periods like this for no apparent reason sometimes. You do have a very good reason. Hang in there.