Saturday, December 4, 2010

Control freak finally relaxes

I feel like I am regaining some control over this life of mine that is spiraling fast out of my hands.  I have stopped testing.  Just like that, I gave my mind the power to make decisions, and it guided me towards no more testing until just before it is time to do the bloodwork, which is on December 13.  I will make an exception if my mind guides me to test a bit earlier, just so I can start running again and maybe even have sex if it is negative.

I feel that I am taking care of myself with this decision.  If the test is negative, I would still have to continue the progesterone and the estrogen until the bloodwork day, and it is very depressing to keep dripping of endometrin (vaginal progesterone tablets) and ruining my precious underwear all the while knowing that it is for nothing.  Not to mention the sad fact that my period will not arrive until I stop taking the hormones, which will only be on the day when my beta HCG is drawn, Dec. 13.  So, nothing will change anyway.  I have been through this many times before, and I know exactly how depressing it feels to test day after day and to keep getting negatives.  You start each day with a cold punch in the gut, and spend the entire rest of the day drained of energy, dreading the next morning when you know that you will have to test again, because at least there is a chance, and c'mon, how much worse can it get, but it can get worse, and worse, each day, until you are sucked dry and all there is left is sleep.  A depressed, anxious sleep, dreaming of war, and of death, waking up sweaty and remembering the truth, that you have failed again, that August 17, 2011 will not be the due date, but just any other day that you might cringe a little on.

I have been there, done that, a total of sixteen times (the six IVF's and the 10 IUI's) and now I am ready to start focusing on being healthy and happy throughout this whole thing.  I am less careful, and often forget that I am carrying embryos.  I have an occasional cup of diluted coffee (third coffee, third hot water, third soy milk), which I would have never allowed myself before, and I exercise!  Exercising makes me feel like a human being again, like I am taking care of myself not just behaving like a human incubator.  The exercise consists of walking about 5 km on the indoor track, but it feels so good, just to allow myself this little thing, it is hard to describe.  I used to spend the whole two weeks lying in bed after coming home from work, partly from anxiety about the repeated negatives, partly from fear that if I move too much, the embryos will die.  I used to drive myself crazy thinking that the embryos are not taking because of something that I am doing wrong, so I would not allow myself anything, including perfume, body lotion, normal shampoo (I would only use this organic shampoo that has no smell and makes my hair coarse and dry).  I would eat more than usual in an effort to feed the embryos, and hence gain weight in the process, which always makes me more depressed.  I would meditate and visualize the embryos implant.

Now I try to ignore the process as best as I can.  I don't run anymore, and I don't lift weights, but other than that, everything is pretty much the same as always.  I shower with my usual colour safe shampoo from L'Anza, and smooth a wide variety of body creams, face creams and serums, and perfumes on my body, which make my skin soft and make my soul feel pampered.  I eat very little for dinner, and as a consequence I have lost two more pounds this week, for a total of four pounds since I have stopped the SuperFAT (I have six more pounds until I reach my preSuperFAT weight).  I walk for an hour every day.  I am happier since I have started doing these things (and since I have stopped testing) and can go for long periods of time completely forgetting that I am waiting for a result.  Which is the best way to spend these two weeks.


  1. I'm so glad you're taking back control and feeling better about the wait. It's SO hard, all the not knowing, but you're right it's better to relax as much as possible about it. Good for you, hope you continue to feel strong and do what you need to get through the 2ww!
    Also thanks for the blog award:)

  2. A little letting go feels good, doesn't it. And since you have to wait, you make the best of this time. We are all waiting with you. Many hugs.