I woke up last night to blood running down my leg, into the toilet, and all over, like a period, bright red and scary. I took one look my blood, which I have seen so very often in my life, and started retching. Somewhere in my brain, my subconscious must have recorded that this blood was wrong, and gave me a vasovagal reaction. I try not to think of it as the kiss of death, although I know that the chances are 50-50 at this point. I still need to go do a third beta tomorrow, for the IVF clinic, and will probably get some information from that as well. My ultrasound is ages away, on Friday, and there is no point in moving it sooner, as we would not be able to see a heartbeat anyway.
I phoned my OB again (for the sixth time this week) and he told me to try and stay positive. (I asked him what for? he knew me better than to respond to that one, but still said that it would make me feel better not to think about the worst all the time). He still believes it is most likely a marginal sinus bleed, not necessarily a miscarriage, although he agrees with me that it's fifty-fifty. I don't think bedrest will help anymore, since I started bleeding in my sleep, in the middle of the night, so I will get up and about, albeit gently. I am waiting and seeing. And I am strangely calm. I feel like I have gone through so much, that nothing phases me anymore. Last night, when I was bleeding, I asked MrH what are we going to do next if I miscarry? He said more of the same, I guess, as in another IVF after three menstrual periods. And then he rolled off to sleep, and eventually so did I. Like two people in the middle of a war, who can sleep despite the bombs shaking the roof. There is a limit to how much even I can worry.