Sunday, December 19, 2010

bleeding, bleeding, bleeding

I woke up last night to blood running down my leg, into the toilet, and all over, like a period, bright red and scary.  I took one look my blood, which I have seen so very often in my life, and started retching.  Somewhere in my brain, my subconscious must have recorded that this blood was wrong, and gave me a vasovagal reaction.  I try not to think of it as the kiss of death, although I know that the chances are 50-50 at this point.  I still need to go do a third beta tomorrow, for the IVF clinic, and will probably get some information from that as well.  My ultrasound is ages away, on Friday, and there is no point in moving it sooner, as we would not be able to see a heartbeat anyway.  

I phoned my OB again (for the sixth time this week) and he told me to try and stay positive.  (I asked him what for? he knew me better than to respond to that one, but still said that it would make me feel better not to think about the worst all the time).  He still believes it is most likely a marginal sinus bleed, not necessarily a miscarriage, although he agrees with me that it's fifty-fifty.  I don't think bedrest will help anymore, since I started bleeding in my sleep, in the middle of the night, so I will get up and about, albeit gently.  I am waiting and seeing.  And I am strangely calm.  I feel like I have gone through so much, that nothing phases me anymore.  Last night, when I was bleeding, I asked MrH what are we going to do next if I miscarry?  He said more of the same, I guess, as in another IVF after three menstrual periods.  And then he rolled off to sleep, and eventually so did I.  Like two people in the middle of a war, who can sleep despite the bombs shaking the roof.  There is a limit to how much even I can worry.

8 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear about your scare. I know how it feels - have had plenty of this during my current pregnancy...lets see: week 5, week 7, week 11. I think it would be okay, not that I'm a clairvoyant. Especially if you have two embryos, maybe they've been eating away at the uterine lining and causing some havoc. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, but I have a feeling it will turn out okay.

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  2. i am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. i also bled when i was pg with Julius (around wk 5 for a week and a half), and not just spotting. i mean it was like a full out period. i was even passing clots. i thought for sure i was a m/c. but it wasn't, and 9 mo later i delivered my baby boy. hoping it's nothing more than decidual bleeding for you too. sending lots of love and strength your way...

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  3. So sorry, that is terribly scary and incredibly unnerving. As Tiffany said I'm hoping so much that everything is still okay for you and that the beta tomorrow will help give some reassurance ((hugs))

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  4. I am so sorry. I know that the strain of it and the not knowing is so hard. Hoping that it is well and you find everything alright.

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  5. im so very sorry. I hope everything turns out well. Praying for you.

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  6. My fingers are crossed that it's all actually okay in there. There's always the possibility that maybe there really is/was two and maybe you are miscarrying one of them? And maybe you aren't miscarrying at all. I know this must be ridiculously hard, as if subsequent pregnancies aren't hard enough.

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  7. I am praying that everything will be all right, but regardless I am so sorry you are going through this right now...everything about it just sucks. Thinking of you and sending many good vibes your way.

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  8. :( Oh MrsH. (&(^*&^*(()* as I refuse to swear on your public forum, but I really wanna kick my heels and stomp my feet and curse the world for you :(. Many hugs and prayers to you.

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