7 weeks

I had to change the blog background because the brown was making my nausea worse.  I am not kidding.  Will go back to the brown once the nausea subsides.  At the moment, something simple such as this background is more soothing for my stomach.

7 weeks today.  I feel so very sick on most days, that I spend most of my time in bed.  I go to work, sometimes cancel half the day and come home to throw up in my own bathroom, but overall I survive.  Being pregnant is very demanding physically for me, but I would not trade it for the alternative any time.  The constant nausea and the daily vomiting are definitely uncomfortable, but I accept them with more serenity than the first time.

Having Adrian has changed me a lot.  His stillbirth was on January 2, 2010, and as that date is approaching, I am thinking more and more about him, about what I want to do on that day, about my life and how it has changed.  I have become a mother.  It is difficult for others to grasp this concept, and sometimes for me as well, but it is a significant mind shift that permeates every action and thought I have taken since having him.  I feel that I live my life for him, as well as for myself, and hence I cannot let any unlived life pass me by.  I grab at opportunities, and launch myself into what I want to do with both feet.  I am not afraid of death.  I feel comfortable knowing that my remains will join the same thin air into which his smoke vanished, and that our ashes will be merged at one point, and maybe buried together at the root of a big tree.  I feel free knowing that I will go the same way that he went.  Without fear of death, life is a lot easier to live.  I want something and I go for it.  I don't stop to wonder too much about consequences, and I realize that no amount of preparedness will prevent disasters from jumping out unannounced.  A bit of planning, a lot of navigating, that is my life right now.  It used to be a lot of planning, and then more obsessive planning, followed by a fear of launching the boat at all.  I am so different now!

I also have a different attitude towards pregnancy.  This is not my body now, this is my unborn child's body to do as he or she needs to with.  If it means non stop nausea and throwing up daily, then I surrender to that, I don't fight it, I don't compare myself with others, I don't expect it to be different, I don't feel sorry for myself.  If it means gaining weight and building cankles, then so be it.  As for my previous morbid fear of operations, c-sections included, I am pretty happy to report that it is the least of my worries right now.  Having a live baby is the only thing that ultimately counts in a pregnancy, everything else is fluff.

Pregnancy is such an alive time for both me and babyH, as it was for me and Adrian as well.  It felt like a constant fight for survival, with a very sick-feeling body, joyous milestones (seeing the heartbeat, hearing the heartbeat, then feeling movement later on), occasional bleeding, and a lot of worrying.  Every day is a struggle to get through at this point, and although it might improve, it did not get that much better last time.  This time it is going to be a psychological struggle.  And I take on the battle with joy, because as long as I am doing this, I am engaging in life and going after what I want, for all four of us: MrH and myself, Adrian, and babyH.  My little family.