anticipating failure

I was opening a sample of the new Paris Hilton perfume and accidentally splashed some in my eye.  Uggghh, not only it stings, but now my eye and my entire face smell like this fairly cheap boring fragrance, which I wouldn't have recommended before, and will definitely not recommend after this little incident involving my eye.  Sorry if anyone actually likes it, I am sure that on a different body with a different chemistry it would probably smell differently, but on me it smells like I need another shower, and I just had one.

I have gained 2 lb more today.  I am at an all time high at this point, and am wearing my pregnancy clothes that I used to wear in the beginning of the second trimester, i.e. my fat clothes.  Not giving up though, I just did another hour on the elliptical machine tonight, and hopefully burned out the nice angel food cake with strawberry topping that someone has brought for me for lunch.  It was delicious and it was the only food available the whole day, so it had to do.  Lesson learned:  must pack lunch, for those days when I don't even have five minutes to rush over to the store and buy something.  For dinner I had grilled asparagus and a green salad.  Despite this rather frugal day (that's all I ate) I am willing to bet a fair sum of money on the fact that tomorrow morning I will wake up 1-2 lb heavier, as has been the case every day so far since I have started on SuperFAT.

If I were not so exhausted by overwork I would probably spend some time thinking about why this weight issue is really so important to me.  I mean, its not like I am turning into a pumpkin, even if I gain 10 lb.  I won't even cross over the BMI 25 mark to be defined as overweight.  It has no health implications whatsoever, and yes, it will mean that I will need a whole new wardrobe, but so would I if I lost 20 lb and that would not sadden me at all!  There are so many wounds left over from when I was young and chubby, and did not have any brain to defend myself against the concerned remarks from my family and friends.  (I was also unfortunately tall, and boys never wanted to dance with me, but I always attributed their reluctance to my being too fat).  I could also think of why it is so important for me to control things that are obviously out of my control (like the number on the scale) instead of simply accepting the outcome after having done my best, with some semblance of grace and peace.  It is exactly the same as the struggles with the IVF and the pregnancy:  I have done my best, I did not get pregnant, so many times, or I did and lost the pregnancy or the baby, but despite that I am still struggling to control the outcome (again) instead of simply going with the flow while giving it my best shot.

I am in a very foul mood these days, although looking from the outside it is hard to tell.  I work hard because I need to compensate for being away for the next 10 days and also because I don't want to think about what it will feel like to fail, again.  I know that chances of failure for this cycle are 60%, better than half, because it is a frozen cycle.  I also know that statistics mean nothing to me at this point, so I shouldn't bother even mentioning them.  But the reality is that I am very likely to fail again, and I know all too well how this goes:  negative pregnancy test, crying for a day in MrH's arms (who is probably wondering when this madness will end), then trying to pull myself together, going back to work and trying not to think about it, too depressed to do anything other than watch TV in the evenings, too exhausted and sad to see people, to exercise, or to get out of that state for at least two weeks.  On top of that, having to diet seriously in order to lose some of the weight put on, which means I will be cold and hungry and extra cranky for the following month, then hoping again as I am starting a new cycle in January, getting into a better mood, like I was in recently, exercising again, life falling back into place, and the cycle repeating itself with another IVF.  On and on, so far six times.  Not to mention the twelve failed intrauterine insemination cycles, which were very similar, only involving different drugs and different procedures.  I feel like I am stuck in a roller coaster that keeps going up and down, and I know that there is not escaping from the up and down motion unless I give up.  Except I am not ready to give up yet.  One day I will, but that day has not come yet.  For now, stuck in the roller coaster from Hell.