Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sexy and irresistible

I feel like there is so much to catch up on!  I have recently been invited to a baby shower, which is nice, but  as a rule I don't like to do any of the following things:  stick my head in the oven, hit my index finger with a large hammer, get a root canal without anesthetic (like they used to do in Romania!) or go to baby showers.  All in the same category of very painful but highly avoidable activities.  Not to mention that last time I was in a baby shop trying to buy a gift for a friend that had twins (due two days after Adrian was due) I felt faint, light headed and nauseous and thought that I was going to throw up.  That was the last time I set foot in a maternity/baby shop, and that will probably remain the last time, even if I get pregnant and have live babies.   I will probably buy everything on ebay.

However, what has made this invitation to the baby shower interesting was that after I thanked the organizing woman (who was also very pregnant herself) and said that due to personal reasons I don't attend baby showers (my personal reasons being very well known by everyone and their dog in my tiny town), she said "well, we didn't want you to feel left out".  Which to this day I cannot make up in my mind how to interpret.  Any suggestions that do not sound like I am a charity case are welcomed.

On the exercise/diet front, I am sticking to 1500 calories a day (often less) and exercising one hour every day (usually running 8 km) and I have gained a total of 5 lb since I have started injecting the buserelin (SuperFAT).  I did not think that this is a mathematical possibility, since the very first law of thermodynamics clearly states that "energy cannot be created, nor destroyed".  Fat is, as far as I remember from my many years of school on the subject, a form of energy storage.  It takes 3500 calories to store one pound of fat, so I must have exceeded my required caloric intake by 3500 x 5 = 17500 calories, divided by 14 days, meaning I have exceeded by 1250 calories per day.  Given that the running alone consumes 500-750 calories daily, and I probably need about 5 calories to think, talk, type and work, plus my basal metabolic rate of 1400 calories (according to Dr. Google), I seem to be CREATING ENERGY OUT OF THIN AIR!  I wonder if I shouldn't let Green Peace know that I seem to be a good source of organic, clean energy (I do poop once a day, but that's the extent of the pollution) in case they would like to harvest or study me.

Two nights ago, after the third day when my weight kept on increasing despite the draconian measures to keep it down, I broke down and cried and talked to MrH about how terrified I was of getting fat.  I told him that other women have babies, and all I have is my body, which is not as good as a baby, but at least I have it, and I don't want to lose that, I don't want to get fat.  Looking good is very important to me, as anyone can see just by observing that I wear high heels and a skirt at minus 30 C (for those of you that only speak Fahrenheit, that translates to VERY COLD), in the snow.  I am willing to do anything it takes not to get fat.  Anything at all.  I am willing to run until my legs melt in a puddle, and to go to bed hungry every night.  And talking about it with him showed me just how important this issue of weight is for me. I cannot do more than is physically possible, obviously, but I WILL do everything that IS physically possible, and let the dice fall where they may.  I am very determined.  I will stick to the dieting and the exercise, and see where it leads me, eventually the weight gain will stop and I should be able to start losing weight, perhaps after I stop the Superfact.  If I am lucky, in December for my next cycle they will come up with Synarel again, which used to be the hormone suppressor before, and that did not make me gain weight like this.

That is about it for the news.  I am highly emotional.  I just watched the movie Agora and was very upset by the whole thing.  Cried a lot and felt very sad that Christians, in the name of this religion whose spirit and teachings I love and grew up with, have destroyed so much, hated so much, and brought down women to such an extent.  I mean, it is only recently (40-50 years ago) that women started to get back some of the equality that was possible in the year 400 in Alexandria, where the movie takes place.  For 1600 years, the christians have kept women down and quiet and occasionally burned a witch or two for good measure.  WTF?  I could not bring myself to go to church today because of this.  I am starting to come back to reality a little and see that the current christians that are going to church nowadays are different of course, but still, it left such a bitter taste in my mouth. I remember watching the movie Water while I was doing my very first IVF, the one when I got pregnant with Adrian, and I recall crying for about two days afterwards.  It seems that the hormones not only make me gain weight, but they also make me very emotional.  Sexy and irresistible I am not.


  1. Ugh, the lovely side affects of these meds. I'm right there with you feeling the emotional side affects big time lately. I'm also a bit obsessive about the weight gain too, I think so much of IF is out of our control and weight is one of the things we like to feel we have control over. Good for you for sticking by whats best for you in regards to the baby shower and telling the truth. I definitely wouldn't be able to go either!

  2. Hoping this terrible time passes quickly and that you make it through as best you can.

  3. Hi,
    Thanks so much for your post on my blog. I am glad you have experienced the "butt plugs" and didn't find them too terrible.
    You last post cracks me up. I never go to baby showers either and I hate the pity invites.