Friday, March 21, 2014

bedrest and beyond

I will try to write something different today than the usual updates on my blood pressure, which by the way is subtly worsening (the diastolic is about 90-93 constantly now).  Hoping for the weekend to not bring it to 100, which is my clue to go to the assessment room.  I also have steady trace to +1 proteinuria, but I don't think that impresses any of the doctors at this point.  We know I have preeclampsia, proteinuria is part of it.

I am feeling well, and starting to adapt to the bed rest and to the entire situation so far.  I was not expecting preeclampsia in the least during this pregnancy.  If anything should have gone wrongly, I would have bet on structural issues, like the cervix, or the uterus.  However, it seems that, as usual, life throws me the unexpected curveballs...

How do I feel about it?  I am of course worried about the baby, and about myself, but overall feel that we are in good hands, and trusting both my luck so far, and the caregivers, and most importably God, who let me keep my uterus despite the massive hemorrhage after Emma's birth.  There had to have been some reason why that happened, namely to have Daniel.  I am cautious with the optimism, but at this point I really think that baby Daniel will make it out alive.

Bed rest is hard, but it becomes easier with each passing day.   The days are starting to shape into a rhythm of waking up, having breakfast, reading to Emma, meditating for an hour to nature sounds, having lunch, sleeping in the afternoon, lounging outside on a long chair while Emma is playing with the dog, then watching some movies or reading a book, reading to Emma again and sleeping with her.  I feel fulfilled if I focus on the things that I can do.  Because I am horizontal almost all the time, these things do not include drawing or writing or knitting, but they can include spending time with my mind, feeling the presence of God, feeling His love (which I have not focused on so deeply in a long time) and, lest I seem to be too much into spiritual development, rotting my brain by watching Netflix (I am into Bones at the moment).

I am noticing that I don't have the struggle for identity that I had during the first bed rest time with Adrian.  I was, back then, fighting to become a mother.  This time I already am a mother, and I am fighting for Daniel to grow and have the best chances at a healthy life he can have.  Emma makes me feel peaceful during this situation.  Having her close reminds me of what a beautiful gift I have been given once, and very likely will be given again.  I don't question whether I will ever be a mother, I already am one.  Daniel is here now, inside of me.  Emma is here now,  growing into a beautiful, smart young lady, and I feel like a very lucky woman.

Funny enough, I don't spend any time thinking about why me, why do all these things seem to happen to me while other women have multiple pregnancies without any issues.  I simply don't think that way anymore. I got asked that many times by people, and I just felt my brain telling me that going down that line of questioning will not get me peace, or happiness, or answers, so rather not go there.  That is what I have learned along the years:  don't go there, it won't lead to gold.  The real treasure is in focusing on the love and people and care that are around me now, in seeing that, rather than the funny curveball obstacles along the way.


  1. Hang in there! I hope you can make it a few more weeks with Daniel inside.
    I agree that "why me" thoughts don't bring you anywhere good, though I imagine they are harder to keep away when on bedrest, with less distractions around you...
    Thinking of you!

  2. Thank you for sharing your don't go there why me thoughts. I'm hoping for a good outcome for both you and Daniel....will you call him Danny?

  3. All the best for the last weeks. Hope you can hang in there; look after yourself. U am grateful that you have made it till now, and for the Daniel. :-)

  4. Waiting for news! Are you okay?