October 15, Remembering- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Thinking of all of our little ones that we lost:  Adrian, Olivia, Lillian Grace, Julius, Wendy, Rowan, Levi, Ayla Joy, Juliet Grace, Bayli and Thomas, Caleb Anthony, Aidan, Valentina, Baby M, Baby C, and I deeply apologize for anybody that I might have left out accidentally.  I have lit a candle today for all of them, as usual, and I will post the picture in a little while.

I sometimes have the impression that I think of Adrian more than usual, and sometimes less than usual.  Watching Emma grow and become her own little person has me wondering how would Adrian have been doing going through the same steps.  The other day, a little boy asked me if Emma has a brother, and I told him that she did, but he died.  He looked all serious and asked me why, and I smiled and told him that he was born too small.  Because I was loving and light-hearted about it, which I truly am at this point in my life (given how blessed and happy I feel), he accepted it and moved on, with no fear about this information.  He was actually quite sweet.  I don't hide Adrian's loss from anybody.  All who ask get the truth from me, since I don't feel any reluctance to disclose Adrian's existence.  I have not had many people be inappropriate about it either.  I accepted it as part of life, I let people know about him with love and peace, and they probably feel safe and don't need to block out the sad story.

Adrian is resting in a small urn on my night table, and I say goodnight to him every night.  It is for him that I have had the courage to go on living, and eventually got Emma.  It is for both my children, but particularly for him, that I want to live my life to the fullest, just like I would have liked him to do.  It is the only thing a bereaved parent can do for their child, live as if his or her days have been passed onto us.  May we all make the most of our days, for us and for them.