surviving the week

So my goal for now is to survive the week.  Hehehe.  Not so funny.  This morning I have discovered my Lilypadz, a silicone shield for the nipples, and they are so so so divine!  they protect the nipples against everything, at the moment even the air hurts them.  I am also starting to get The Chills.  I don't know if other people get them after deliveries, but I definitely got them bad after Adrian, and last night while I woke up and went to the bathroom, I got my first episode of The Chills during this post partum period.  It feels like ice is coming out of my bones, I cannot describe it differently.  If anybody has ever had shivers because of fever, that is what it is like, and the shivers come in waves, for about twenty minutes or so.  I used to take cold showers to soothe the restless legs, but this is a lot worse, it is like being dunked in cold water over and over again for several minutes.  The first time I got it, I thought I had a post partum infection.  I now know that is not the case, so I am more relaxed about it, it is still unpleasant but at least I know I am not dying from sepsis, like I initially thought...

In addition, my c/section scar has popped open because the guy assisting did not put the staples in properly and they were hanging only on one half of the skin incision in one corner.  I need to get the wound re-sutured today, as it is open and draining a lot.  Lastly, I got some sort of allergic reaction to something, I think it was the surgical tape used on my abdomen, and my trunk is covered in a red dotty rash.  At least it is not itchy.

Considering my track record, I think I got off easily...(see bad post op infection in my very first post about the TAC). ( If I were an obstetrician, I would refuse to operate on me, really, given my penchant for every complication possible, and for even inventing new ones, like the pneumomediastinum).

I feel very blessed throughout all this.  Last night Emma was crying for a good half hour and nothing much worked to soothe her.  My milk has come in, thank God, but she was just gassy and upset, or something, who knows.  I kept on offering her the breast, but she was too worked up to take it.  Then MrH pointed out that she is anxious, just like her mommy, and I felt like a light switched was turned on.  Of course, my child should be anxious.  I am anxious and sensitive, and she has inherited my personality.  I just love her to bits, and am so much more relaxed about her crying now that I feel like I understand her.  I would be exactly the same in her position, newborn with an incompetent mother who does not know anything about why I am upset or what I need, and does not even know how to swaddle me properly so that I don't uncover during the night.  Yes, that would piss me off big time as well.

I had another epiphany last night that has helped me immensely:  I flushed the toilet and there was blood in the toilet bowl.  For a second, I had forgotten that I am not pregnant anymore, and a flash of panic washed over me when I saw the blood.  Just like it had so many times in both pregnancies, first with Adrian, then with Emma in the first trimester when I thought I was miscarrying.  Then I realized that she is out and she is safe, and that I will never again have to worry about her being stillborn or in danger of being born premature, or a gazillion pregnancy related-worries that I had.  No matter what, now that she is on the outside, she is safer, and she is so strong and healthy I cannot stop thanking God.