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So, let's try for a longer post, if I don't fall asleep in the middle of it.

The C section went well, however once he got into my uterus, the OB saw the TAC stitch sitting INSIDE the uterine cavity, and displaced to the right.  It had migrated through the wall of the uterus as the uterus grew, and he said it was clearly a chronic process, since there was no obvious hole in the uterine wall, no bleeding, or anything to indicate a recent event.  So the TAC held up to a point, probably up to about 32 weeks, when I had the last ultrasound and they had a hard time seeing it, then it started crossing over through the wall, to the inside of the uterus, and it became useless at some point in the third trimester.  He had to remove it, which means if I want more children, which I do (only one more, I promise MrH!), I will have to get a new cerclage.  He suggested that I go for the McDonalds (the regular transvaginal one), as my cervix is likely fibrosed enough by now not to move much, since it hasn't changed at all in the third trimester, even without the band around it.  The bottom line is, I could have had a uterine tear, or a premature birth, and I didn't have either, which goes to show that sometimes things go well and we have no clue as to why.

I am quite swollen, my hands and feet, and my incision came apart in one corner and it is oozing bloody stuff all over the place.  But for now, I will leave it, even if it heals funny it can always be redone with the next c/s.

Now, onto all things about Emma.  She is incredible.  I realize that I am biased, but she seems really strong for a newborn.  She can lift up her head, and butt me in the breast with it when she gets mad.  She also punches me with her little fists when she does not get milk fast enough for her liking.  She looks at me, opens her eyes, grabs my hair, and generally does things that I did not think a newborn would do.  And she has a very very strong suck.  I could dangle her on my breast.   The first night in the hospital was not too bad, I fed her twice, and we both slept in between (I lay her to sleep next to me, as I cannot bear to put her anywhere else, separate from me.  The whole time I was in the hospital her bassinet was untouched).  The second night though, I did not sleep at all.  She wanted to feed every twenty minutes or so, for almost an hour each time, and was probably a bit dehydrated, had some brick stains on the diapers (the brick colour shows dehydration), so I fed her almost non stop.  By morning she made some nice wet diapers, and my breasts lost a layer of skin and gained some groovy cracks in the nipples.  I think my milk finally came in, but still no breast engorgement.  I so much want to be able to offer her a full breast, and I think I am getting there, as she sucks for only ten minutes before falling asleep, as opposed to the previous hour after hour.  She even had some milk in her mouth after I fed her, which makes me feel so much happier.

I should probably mention briefly how hard it is to get support for exclusive breastfeeding in my neck of the woods.  The first couple of days are rough, since there is only colostrum, and while waiting for the milk to kick in, the baby gets mad, and sucks non stop, the mom gets very sore and it all overlaps with the day three hormonal storm that in any case makes one feel very sensitive.  Thank God for my husband, who encourages me to survive, as everybody else thinks that formula is the way out.  "Just give her a top up" I hear left, right and centre.  I realize that doing that would make her sleep for four hours instead of cluster feeding for two days straight, but I still think breastfeeding is a naturally occurring skill and that patience and the instinct to survive for both of us will do the trick.   Speaking of which, I have a lot of respect for her will to go on and on and not give up, she is only 3.6 kg but has more determination than a bull.

The hormonal storm of day 3 hit me last night, on the clock, and I am crying a lot.  Mostly I feel happy, and blessed, and overwhelmed at the same time.  I look at her and I cannot believe that I got to take her home.  Like it did not register in my brain that she would survive, and I am somewhat surprised that after all she gets to stay with us.  She is so beautiful, and strong, and that makes me cry as well.  Everything does.  All I want to do is to stare at her and kiss her little face.  Will update as soon as I can.