ultrasound

There was a tiny flickering heartbeat today on the ultrasound, and no cause for the bleeding was seen, i.e. no subchorionic hemorrhage.  However, I am still bleeding, and today it is worse than before, with bright red blood that scares me.  I hope that it will turn out well.  I don't want to lose this tiny baby too.  I have no idea what I can do about it, but I will take some time off work, in the hopes that lying down and being still helps.  I have noticed that I am bleeding a lot more after work, probably because I am constantly on my feet and tense.

The ultrasound made this baby even more real.  And it was cute alright, but I just could not allow myself to bond with it the way that I would have otherwise, were it not for all this bleeding that sucks the joy out of my day.  That is the story of my life: some good, and some bad, all together on the same soup plate.  This time at least I am more hopeful for a good outcome, and I am not mourning a baby that is not yet lost, which is what I would have done did with Adrian, and a bit with Emma.  By now I feel like the champion of the wait-and-see.

I don't fit in my bra anymore.  Or in my skirt.  I have grown some bacon.  I hope this bleeding stops sometime so that I can commit enough to buy another bra one size up.  I am not thinking that I will lose the baby, but I also cannot let myself buy a bigger bra, figure that.  I guess that is what they call living in the moment.