atonement?

Hey, today for the first time in two months I had a moment...a brief moment...when I FORGOT that I was pregnant.  And it was quite amazing to realize that it was because I was feeling just normal, like I usually feel, full of energy and not nauseated one bit.  It did not last long, and neither did the nausea-free period of time, but for the first time in two months I got to cook a real dinner, with Sczechuan green beans, and parbroiled yams, and oven-roasted butternut squash, and curried bison with quinoa.  It was delicious, and of course I started feeling ill just after eating, but that is now my new normal, and I must embrace it, especially since it looks like things are getting better.

During my brief moment of amnesia, I passed the box of pregnancy tests and thought "I wonder when I am going to pee on one of those again, as in, when is my next IVF?" and then I realized hey, I don't need to think about that at all... Life is good.  And, as usual, when life is good, and I don't have much to bitch about, my blog gets boring and I lost a follower today.  I hope it is related to my absolutely boring writing style as opposed to my leaving an insensitive comment on someone's blog, it is not unlike me to put my foot in my mouth.

Just yesterday I was re-reading an old post, one of my first, called "Advice-have you tried".  Oh, my, I seem so rude now when I look back.  I was very fed up with the world and in particular with the general feeling that I had that just because they had the good fortune of having a normal pregnancy and fertility, people seemed to think that they knew what I was doing wrong and they were doing better.  Perhaps fed up with the world looking down on me.  I don't know...I realize now and did then as well that people loved me and wanted me to succeed.  That is the tragic thing about infertility, it hurts not just the one affected, but everyone else around them too (albeit to a much lesser extent).

I am not completely out of that frame of mind, but I am much less edgy since finally something seems to be going right.  I have felt like a raw animal for a long time, wanting something very primal, to be pregnant and to have a baby, and having it go wrong so many times that it is almost unimaginable.  One year of infertility treatments, then pregnancy, then loss, then another full year of infertility treatments, with two chemical pregnancies thrown in for flavour.  Sometimes I tell myself that it is a wonder I did not isolate myself from the world altogether, and try to allow for my edginess and occasional rudeness.  Other times I really don't know, it's not like the world owes us anything, like patience, or understanding, or compassion.  I don't know if I did as well as society would have had me do, but I certainly know that I did as well as I could, and that has to be enough because there is nothing more.