Seeing as I am approaching 14 weeks, I have started to think back more and more about my first pregnancy. Last night, MrH and I were talking about how we feel about this pregnancy compared to the first one. He is more excited. I, on the other hand, must admit that I don't feel the same awe and amazement as I felt the first time I was pregnant. Then, everything was new, and for the longest time I did not think that it would ever happen, so I was extremely amazed at every step. It was a minute-by-minute miracle, until it ended. This time, I did not have the same surprise and awe. I kind of knew that I would get pregnant and at least get to mid-pregnancy like I did the first time.
That is not to say that I love this baby less, I have probably bonded with the little thing at least as strongly and even earlier than I did with Adrian. But the love I feel is calmer, and the feelings are more peaceful and quiet compared to the fireworks that my first pregnancy was. It is a bit like making love the first time, you remember it, but it is not necessarily the best lovemaking ever. This pregnancy, although I had bad nausea and vomiting, I felt more at peace, less freaked out by my body changing, more able to predict what will happen, and more at ease. I have also felt the baby move a lot earlier, and followed his development more keenly. I have listened to his heart more often. I have freaked out less when I was bleeding, and I had more confidence that it would end up ok. I am definitely not in the least consumed with worries about delivery, or childcare, or my career afterwards. I have a strength and confidence that I did not have before, knowing that I can survive a lot of trauma and still be ok.
My train of thought ended with another important point: there will be amazement and awe in this pregnancy too if it continues to a point where the baby is viable. I have never been more than 20 weeks pregnant, so every week beyond that point will be a brand new experience. I have never been hugely pregnant with a baby that kicks very strongly and has palpable body parts. I have never had a live baby to hold, I have never breastfed...all of that will be new and amazing. So, there is time for more miracles.