Sunday, February 13, 2011

a tale of two pregnancies

Seeing as I am approaching 14 weeks, I have started to think back more and more about my first pregnancy.  Last night, MrH and I were talking about how we feel about this pregnancy compared to the first one.  He is more excited.  I, on the other hand, must admit that I don't feel the same awe and amazement as I felt the first time I was pregnant.  Then, everything was new, and for the longest time I did not think that it would ever happen, so I was extremely amazed at every step.  It was a minute-by-minute miracle, until it ended.  This time, I did not have the same surprise and awe.  I kind of knew that I would get pregnant and at least get to mid-pregnancy like I did the first time.

That is not to say that I love this baby less, I have probably bonded with the little thing at least as strongly and even earlier than I did with Adrian.  But the love I feel is calmer, and the feelings are more peaceful and quiet compared to the fireworks that my first pregnancy was.  It is a bit like making love the first time, you remember it, but it is not necessarily the best lovemaking ever.  This pregnancy, although I had bad nausea and vomiting, I felt more at peace, less freaked out by my body changing, more able to predict what will happen, and more at ease.  I have also felt the baby move a lot earlier, and followed his development more keenly.  I have listened to his heart more often.  I have freaked out less when I was bleeding, and I had more confidence that it would end up ok.  I am definitely not in the least consumed with worries about delivery, or childcare, or my career afterwards.  I have a strength and confidence that I did not have before, knowing that I can survive a lot of trauma and still be ok.

My train of thought ended with another important point:  there will be amazement and awe in this pregnancy too if it continues to a point where the baby is viable.  I have never been more than 20 weeks pregnant, so every week beyond that point will be a brand new experience.  I have never been hugely pregnant with a baby that kicks very strongly and has palpable body parts.  I have never had a live baby to hold, I have never breastfed...all of that will be new and amazing.  So, there is time for more miracles.


  1. I know what you mean. I have heard people that say they didn't/haven't relaxed ever, but I can't believe how relaxed I am these days, even with all of the minor blips in the road with notching and GD and dizziness and all, every day that passes without things going to hell, I feel better. I don't much dwell on how we are going to actually take care of a baby (luckily I've worked in daycare for many many years and have a 14 year old brother so I'm not a novice), but I'm kind of, "eh, we'll figure it out!"

  2. MrsH. Your amazing and your love so strong for the life that grows in you. <3