I am definitely not doing this pregnancy thing all that well. There is not a single stage of this pregnancy at which I have felt well. Except between 4 and 5 weeks maybe. For the past 5 weeks, I have been constantly nauseated and struggling with daily vomiting on most days. I have still not gained any weight, in fact am still weighing less than I did before I got pregnant. I am lying in bed, unable to get up and clean up the kitchen, or wash the sheets, or play piano, or go for a walk. I have isolated myself from everybody because all I want to do is sleep or lie in bed to avoid vomiting. I am too tired at work to enjoy it. My world is small and boring at this point, except for the important fact of being pregnant. Despite the joy of pregnancy, the constant sickness and lying in bed plus the isolation from the world make me feel a little depressed. If I lose this pregnancy, it will have been a lot of suffering for nothing again.
I spoke to my ob today again, and he said that I should not worry so much. There is an empty space at the top of the endocervical canal, underneath the internal os, but that space might fill up with cervical mucus. It is too early at this stage for the membranes to funnel through that space, and if they do we will notice it on the next ultrasound, and do another cerclage to reinforce this one. We are really doing all that we can, I don't see how we could do more, and that is all that matters. I am feeling more optimistic and positive today, and not expecting everything to fail like I was yesterday.
I am hoping that the end of my nausea is going to happen in the next few weeks. It really is wearing me out. My posts used to be a lot more witty and fun, and now I feel bored with myself. Everything feels like such a drag, getting up in the morning, working, eating, lying down non stop, surfing the internet. Feeling ill non stop is depressing. I am writing this fully aware that before I got pregnant I had no sympathy for such complaints from pregnant people, and had totally forgotten how hard it is on the body and mind. It is even harder though when I think that it might all be for nothing, like last time.