OB appointment confusing

I had a little surge of energy this morning, after a rather difficult evening in which we went to dine out and I was unable to touch a thing on my plate because the nausea suddenly came between placing the order and getting the food.  This morning I cleaned the kitchen, after one week of not touching it, and threw away two plants that dried up, victims of my inability to water them (in this house, only the fittest survive).  I even made some freshly squeezed apple-orange-carrot juice, but was only able to have a little, because it still makes me sick.  And then I caught up with BBC news online, because hey, there is still a world out there where Cairo is in turmoil and nobody knows I am pregnant, hehe.

My OB appointment was confusing, but the gist of it is that as long as my cervix stays long I can pretty much have a normal life, including working half-time if I feel up to it.  I might do it, just to keep my sanity, but then from 24 weeks onwards I must go to Vancouver anyway just in case I get into preterm labour, and there I will be on taking it easy mode.  I don't think that I will need to move downstairs after all, he says I can do stairs but not a lot of effort, and again only if the cervix stays long.

This is not a wealth of clear guidelines for my brain, and I really need more clear instructions because I am an anxious person who does well with military style orders.  MrH and I decided that it is best to do the most that we can, and hence that we should err on the side of mostly bedrest with allowing me to cook food briefly and play piano.  We are not sure about the work yet.  I have stopped going for long walks a while ago, mostly because I was feeling unwell, and I will not restart the walking, not even for a couple of blocks, because I worry too much.  I will have plenty of time to walk pushing a stroller after the baby is born.  The one thing that my OB was saying is that I should avoid making myself feel ill, or disabled.  This is confusing, as I am disabled during this pregnancy, I mean if I weren't, I would be out there running my 8 km daily and lifting weights in the gym.

He also wanted to organize cervical length ultrasounds only once a month, and I said that is unacceptable, I need one at least every two weeks, even if I have to pay for it privately, so I got what I wanted.  Is he taking this seriously or not?  I am confused.  I think he is taking it seriously, it is an emotional issue for him as well, given my past, but I think perhaps he considers the anatomical defect dealt with by the cerclage, and therefore does not think that I need more frequent ultrasounds.  I don't get this at all.

felt a kick or am crazy

I was sitting talking to a client today and I felt a distinct kick in my bladder.  I am only 11 weeks tomorrow, how is that possible?  With Adrian I felt movement at 15.5 weeks, and was expecting babyH to move at 14 perhaps, but not this early.  Maybe I am deluded, but I am quite sure of what I felt, and it's not like I haven't felt it before, it was very much a baby kick.  Small, but there.  So cute! Love it.

Tomorrow is my first prenatal appointment.  I am going to ask about whether I should prepare to move downstairs.  My apartment has two levels, the bottom level has the kitchen and the living room, and only one small toilet, the upstairs has the bedroom and the shower.   I don't think I will be allowed stairs on a daily basis, and I can't be upstairs with no daylight and no food, so I think we'll move the bed into the kitchen.  I don't quite know how I will wash, but I think by pouring water from the sink with a large cup over my head while standing in a bucket...hehe, like in the good ol'days in Romania, when we had to heat up the water on the stove 'cause there was no hot water ever.  I got the training I needed for a lifetime.  Any suggestions as to how to improve this washing situation?

I need to hear if anybody else felt a baby kick this early, or am I insane?

uncharitable thoughts

It seems that, beyond any doubt, complaining works:  for the past two days, I have felt better than ever before, with absolutely zero vomiting, and only occasional bouts of nausea.  Of course, truth must be told, I slept for most of the day on both days, but I have felt well enough to do my nails with Channel Miami Peach, my favourite shade of nailpolish, something that I would not have attempted before for fear of barfing from the smell of acetone.

Eating three meals a day over the past two days has put my weight back to where I was at the beginning of the pregnancy.  From here on I have to be careful, as I have a tendency to gain enormous amounts in a short time (with Adrian I had gained 23 lb by birth time at 20 weeks).  Most of it is water, but it is still very uncomfortable to carry around, so I have to cut back on the salt, which is hard since my newfound hobby is eating sauerkraut and olives.  I do not make a pretty pregnant woman.  I turn into an edematous blob with no waistline fairly quickly, and it goes downhill from there.  At least that was my first pregnancy.  From that point of view, I have remained remarkably non edematous so far, but this was only the beginning.  Let the sodium channels flood open, and the water retention begin!

I am starting to have a belly!  I should convince MrH to take some serial pictures of it.  For all I know, I am now halfway through my previous pregnancy, and could be halfway through this one as well, you never know.  I am still a bit negative after that ultrasound, but am trying to reason with myself that the chances are still on my side.  And a cervical length of 3.5 cm is better than I had previously expected, or ever measured in the first trimester.

It is time to book my nuchal translucency, which I will be doing sometime next week at the Pacific Centre for Reproductive Medicine in Vancouver.  I have never been there, but they seem good at first trimester screening.  I am mostly excited to see the baby in high resolution, doing its flips and flops, it is endless fun.

I have been invited to another baby shower this weekend and have to report that it sucks just as much as it did before I was pregnant.  I didn't go, could not bring myself to.  I don't know what is with me and baby showers (duh, no, really, what could this possibly be all about?) but I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that these babies were even conceived after Adrian was, and they got to term without any problem.  Why them, and why not Adrian?  I am also struggling with this other irrational feeling that if other people succeed and have babies, then I will fail again.  I don't know why that is, but I am convinced that if other people can do it, there will be less luck left for me.  Completely irrational, I wish I could disabuse myself of that notion, but unfortunately this is the psychotic flavour of the week.  Lest anyone thought that I was a kind, charitable soul who only wants the best for everyone, I am acutally thinking that everyone can take a break now so I can have some of that happiness too.  Ha. (with the exception of my blog sisters, your happiness for some reason gives me hope instead of fear).

blog award

Thanks to Anonomity at http://anonomity.blogspot.com/  and to Sarah at http://therockyroadtomotherhood.blogspot.com/2011/01/omahhhh-and-award.html for this blog award:

The rules of this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. 
2. Share 7 things about yourself.  
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. 
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!  


Here are the 7 things about myself that I can share:
1.  MrH and I have three birds at home and, because we are insane, we also have one at the office. 
2.  We also have a cat who loves to jump on my stomach, but unfortunately lately that is a no no because it makes me puke.
3.  I normally love perfumes, and have quite an extensive collection of at least 15 perfumes that are up to date and fresh.  I actually use them all.  Ever since I got pregnant, I feel like giving them all away, I cannot even stand looking at them.  Must resist the urge though, because I know I will go back to wanting them again (voice of experience). 
4.  I am also into skin care quite heavily, and read a lot/watch videos on skincare and makeup.  Of course, since I got pregnant it is a struggle to remember to wash my face at night.  Forget any serums or eye creams, I am too tired for that.  
5.  I wax.  I cannot shave at all, or I get folliculitis.  I can do a home-based bikini wax as good as any salon job if I put my mind to it. 
6.  I have been playing piano for 5 years now.  I started taking lessons as an adult, and I am slowly improving, although I am very very tired and had to interrupt my lessons for the pregnancy so far because I puke when sitting upright, hence no piano for me.  
7.  I love learning new languages, and am quite quick to pick them up.  My bedrest project is to learn either German or Afrikaans.  German because quite a few locals speak it here in Northern Canada, and Afrikaans for MrH. So far I have four languages done, and if I learn these two as well, and perhaps learn to be more fluent in Spanish, then I am done with languages for this lifetime. As an aside, English is not my first or second language, it is my third, and I have started to speak it well only at the age of 18.  Which is to explain my probable numerous mistakes in writing this blog.  


Now onto the awards.  
The Stylish blogger award goes to:
1. http://valentinainthesky.blogspot.com/
2. http://justwhatialwayswanted.blogspot.com/
3. http://mrsspit.ca
4. http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/
5. http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com
6. http://journeytobabyg.blogspot.com
7. http://myexpectedend.blogspot.com/
8. http://butterflies-and-rainbows.blogspot.com/
9. http://roadlesstraveledblog.blogspot.com/
I will give the others as I keep on reading the new ICLW blogs that pop out. 

10w2d

I am definitely not doing this pregnancy thing all that well.  There is not a single stage of this pregnancy at which I have felt well.  Except between 4 and 5 weeks maybe.  For the past 5 weeks, I have been constantly nauseated and struggling with daily vomiting on most days.  I have still not gained any weight, in fact am still weighing less than I did before I got pregnant.  I am lying in bed, unable to get up and clean up the kitchen, or wash the sheets, or play piano, or go for a walk.  I have isolated myself from everybody because all I want to do is sleep or lie in bed to avoid vomiting.  I am too tired at work to enjoy it.  My world is small and boring at this point, except for the important fact of being pregnant.  Despite the joy of pregnancy, the constant sickness and lying in bed plus the isolation from the world make me feel a little depressed.  If I lose this pregnancy, it will have been a lot of suffering for nothing again.

I spoke to my ob today again, and he said that I should not worry so much.  There is an empty space at the top of the endocervical canal, underneath the internal os, but that space might fill up with cervical mucus.  It is too early at this stage for the membranes to funnel through that space, and if they do we will notice it on the next ultrasound, and do another cerclage to reinforce this one.  We are really doing all that we can, I don't see how we could do more, and that is all that matters.  I am feeling more optimistic and positive today, and not expecting everything to fail like I was yesterday.

I am hoping that the end of my nausea is going to happen in the next few weeks.  It really is wearing me out.  My posts used to be a lot more witty and fun, and now I feel bored with myself.  Everything feels like such a drag, getting up in the morning, working, eating, lying down non stop, surfing the internet.  Feeling ill non stop is depressing.  I am writing this fully aware that before I got pregnant I had no sympathy for such complaints from pregnant people, and had totally forgotten how hard it is on the body and mind.  It is even harder though when I think that it might all be for nothing, like last time.

ultrasound abnormal.

I had my 10 week ultrasound today.  The baby was big, 10w1d, and moving lots, awfully cute.  But the cervix not so cute.  It measured 3.5 cm, and the cerclage is visible, but there might be funnelling or something happening at the top of the cervix.  It is too early for actual funnelling, but there is some fluid in the endocervical canal, below the level of the cerclage.  I am getting another ultrasound in 3 weeks.  The ob said it is definitely not normal, but he does not know what it is or what is the significance of it.

I knew I would be cutting it close with this pregnancy, but did not expect the worries to happen so quickly.  If in 3 weeks I am funnelling for sure, then I need to get another cerclage (transvaginal this time) to reinforce this one.

I will have to try not to think about what I am going to do if this fails.

MrsH versus her Stomach on trial

Here are excerpts from a mock trial of MrsH accusing her Stomach of manslaughter:

"Your Honour, my client MrsH was clearly being set up by her Stomach into an ambush.  He signalled to her that it would be ok to eat Exhibit A, the entire plate of sauerkraut and three spring rolls.  My client thought that she was doing what the Stomach asked for, when only five minutes later the Stomach started attacking viciously and caused my client to start vomiting violently.  To further  prove the malevolent intentions of the accused, even after all his contents were eliminated, the Stomach kept on contracting and making her sick for an entire day afterwards.  Your Honour, this was clearly not necessary, and hopefully the Jury can see that the Stomach has alternate motives in this case.  He is obviously jealous of the new pregnancy and is trying to establish that he is still the boss.  He behaved in a similar manner during my client's previous pregnancy, and warned her through hate letters that if she were to get pregnant again, I quote, "I'm gonna get ya' bitch".    My client chose to ignore this bullying and live her life anyway, but we asked that the Stomach be admonished into good behaviour for the remainder of this pregnancy, or at the very least that the Stomach's misbehaviour have an end sometime in the next two weeks, as my client is approaching the end of her first trimester.  Thank you, Your Honour and esteemed Jury". 

I am clearly watching too much of "The Good Wife". 

optimism without borders

As an addendum to the previous post, I realize that my unbridled optimism must seem odd to others, but I can explain.  I realize fully that this pregnancy might fail again, but the chances of that are very small, compared to the chances of delivering at term or at least at viability.  Secondly, if this pregnancy does fail, I know without a doubt that no amount of pessimism and expecting the worst is going to prepare me for the pain that is to come.  If babyH dies, I will grieve just as much whether it was an unexpected event or something that was clearly predicted.  When I was pregnant with Adrian, and they told me that the chances of bringing him to viability are less than 20%, I did not believe it.  Not really.  When there is a live baby in your belly, kicking and feeling alive, you just don't register any of this stuff.  You worry, but you don't mourn ahead of time.  The work of mourning and grieving must be done afterwards, and there are no shortcuts to it.  You cannot prepare for it in any way.

However, there is one thing that I will regret if the worst happens, and that is not having lived this pregnancy fully.  Not having connected with the baby fully out of fear that he might die.  Not having enjoyed being pregnant and having pregnant woman hopes and dreams.  Poisoning my pregnancy with detachment.  If I only get to be a mother to this baby for another 10-11 weeks, then I want to be a mother to this baby for that time, I want to love him, watch him grow, dream about his future.  You know, normal pregnant woman stuff.  Nobody regrets having loved while it lasted, but I know a lot of people who regret not having loved when they had the chance, and now it is too late.

Speaking of which, here is babyH in two more days, he looks very cute and smart.  MrH and I laugh sometimes at night trying to imagine what he is thinking.  My bowels are very rumbly and noisy when I am pregnant, so MrH feels sorry for babyH having to listen to that symphony all night long.  Poor kid can probably not sleep for the noise.  Fortunately, I don't think he can hear yet, but soon enough he will. For now, I imagine him looking at his hands and wondering stuff like "wow, I've got fingers, but darn it these arm-things are not long enough for me to suck my thumb", or maybe "where did my awesome tail go?  I only just got used to it and it now disappeared."

I am amazed at all the transformations that my own body is going through, like the fact that my boobs seem to be getting more and more massive every day, but the baby is going through such amazingly fast transformations that he must be confused to no end as to his body image.  Fortunately, the little thing simply accepts life as it is.

maternal instinct

A word of warning:  do not approach me with the words "let's hope this cerclage will not fail" or I will lose it.  Apparently.  Someone said this to me today in a very concerned voice when they asked me how I am doing and I replied that I was doing very well, no more bleeding, heard the heartbeat, and just over 9 weeks.  Life seemed great.  Until this person opened their mouth.  Then I realized that people everywhere are expecting me to fail again and my baby to die.  You don't go to a pregnant woman and say to her "let's hope your baby doesn't die at birth again".  This is not just a PREGNANCY and a CERCLAGE to me, this is MY BABY!  I cannot be clinically detached like I was before I was pregnant and talk about hoping that the cerclage holds, because at this point in my life, any implication that it might not makes me go psychotic with maternal worry.  I did not strangle the above concerned person, I managed to stay composed and say "if it doesn't then everything is OVER".

Don't get me wrong, people used to have conversations like this one with me all the time and I was perfectly fine with it before, in fact I could engage in theoretical sessions along this line of thought anytime.  But now I am pregnant and have a baby that is growing fingernails and eyelids, and am fiercely protective of him. (Yes, MrH, I still think it's a him).

This is not the first time I hear sentences like this one.  A lady at work told me, when I was wondering out loud about childcare arrangements after the baby's birth, that I should wait until the child is born to make the arrangements THIS TIME.  Last time, at this point in the pregnancy (end of first trimester that is) she was helping me make these arrangements.  THIS TIME she is implying that MY BABY COULD DIE.  If I hear one more person referring to the end of my pregnancy in babydeath again, I will tell them that their attitude is not helpful and that I would prefer that they say nothing if they have nothing positive to say.  On the other hand, small town, and it is easy enough to be known as the town bitch if I fight back too hard.  We all have to live.  But give me a break man, I know I am not that reliable of a gestationist, but 85% or better chance of success is really good, and my OB is hopeful, the MFM people are hopeful, not to mention that I am an EXPECTANT MOTHER now and will flip if anyone mentions the fact that I might lose this baby.

And a great day...heard the heartbeat with the doppler

I woke up feeling great today, and despite the fact that I had breakfast (a rare occurrence nowadays) I continued to feel good most of the day.  I took advantage of the brief reprieve and had a full lunch, with a cinnamon bun for desert, and then took MrH out for dinner to a chinese food place.  I just about always cook in my own kitchen and rarely eat out during the week (weekends are another story!) but ever since the nausea hit, I cannot eat anything that I have prepared myself.  I am simply not interested in anything that is not new or out of the ordinary.  Hence my eating out for both lunch and dinner over the past week, and likely to continue until the malaise subsides.

With my first pregnancy all I could eat was sushi for dinner.  I would have raw salmon sashimi daily, for weeks at a time.  I think whomever wrote What to expect... or any similar pregnancy do's and don'ts would have had a heart attack hearing about my diet during those times.  Oh well, at least I didn't have a glass of wine afterwards or something truly sinful.  This pregnancy I am absolutely not interested in sushi or sashimi at all, but instead am craving aspic made with pig's legs and tail (like mommy makes it... I ate three bowlfuls at New Year's) and, because I have no idea where I will find pig's ears, legs or tails here in my LittleTown, I was looking for something similar called headcheese (made from pig's combined parts and pieces of gelatinous stuff in between).  Could not find any, as Save On Foods has stopped selling it (I think I was the only customer buying it, and then I went vegan, so they took it off the menu).  So, no aspic, no headcheese, what's a girl to do?  I am pretty close to making soup and gelatinizing it with some good ol' fashion gelatin. I would have jello but I am really not into sweet things.  If anyone has tried to make the Romanian aspic (racituri) without pig parts and just used gelatin, please let me know, I am getting a bit desperate here.  Similarly, if anyone who lives in my town can tell me where to find pig's tail, ears or legs, I am all ears myself.

I wonder if I am going back to being vegan after the pregnancy.  I think probably vegetarian, if not vegan.  I am still not cooking meat in my house, but will probably continue to use eggs and milk once the pregnancy is done, and particularly so if I have a baby to feed.  People are sometimes appalled when I tell them that I plan to raise a mostly vegetarian child, but I don't see what the problem is.  I am very well read in the field and know what I am doing, and so far neither myself nor MrH have gotten into any kind of nutritional deficiencies, quite on the contrary, we are doing better than before.  It is only during this pregnancy that I started craving animal products, and although I had the firm intention to stay vegan, I just was too sick and had to take whatever I could stomach in order to avoid losing too much weight.  As it is, I am now 4 lb lighter than I was when I got pregnant.  At the same gestational age with my first, I was about 6 lb heavier, so I am behind 10 lb.  Not that I am complaining, I don't mind not gaining a lot of weight, but it does show that my appetite has really been in the boots for a long time now.

Today, after work, I asked MrH to try and listen for the baby with the hand held doppler.  I had tried two days ago and could not hear it, but today we heard it easily, loud and clear.  At only 8 weeks and 5 days, just like with the last pregnancy in fact.  So much for whomever does not believe that you can hear the heartbeat this early, it was not just a fluke the first time, it is really possible.  It was 165-179 bpm, and it sounded so...unreal!  MrH said that hearing the heartbeat made the whole thing sound more real, but for me it makes it look more and more like science-fiction.  I feel as if it cannot be happening to me again, kind of like a deja-vu.  I am very happy about it, don't get me wrong, it just feels strange.  I am also very happy that I don't depend on the ultrasound to reassure me about babyH being alive, as I have the ubiquitous handheld doppler now.  Whenever I start to think crazy thoughts, I can just whip it out and listen to the thump-thump-thump that lets me know I am still pregnant.  'cause yeah, even after all this time, I am still expecting the pregnancy to simply evaporate into thin air.  That's what I call crazy.

rough times

I had a rough weekend.  I have not been able to keep down anything at all, not even water.  Yesterday I vomited probably more than ten times, basically every time I was trying to get anything in.  This morning as well.  I am thirsty and dry, and really hope that I can have some oral rehydration salts in water later on, otherwise I worry that I might need to go on IV rehydration.  I have restarted the diclectin, and will even go to gravol if necessary, anything to avoid the IV and the hospital.  I have not been able to leave the bed today, and barely did so yesterday.  And, between all the vomiting and dehydration, lost 5 lb in the last 24 hours.  I am hoping for a break sometime soon.

Some people told me, when seeing me sick, that I have asked for it, that I did this to myself.  Yes, I am happy to be pregnant, and happy that the nausea signifies that the hormone levels are high, but I am really suffering, and to tell someone that they asked for suffering is calloused.  On the other hand, I realize that before suffering from hyperemesis myself, I had no idea what it felt like, and so it is entirely possible that others simply don't know what it is like and hence can't take it seriously.  I asked for a baby, that is all.

saw the baby and the heartbeat

This morning I did my usual routine of wake up, vomit, brush teeth, vomit, brush teeth again, drive to work and vomit in the car.  I was thinking to myself that if I am not pregnant I must be dying of something pretty bad.  I went to see the OB who burst out laughing to see me in the door pointing towards my abdomen and mouthing "ultrasound".  He took all of two seconds to find the gestational sac and the baby inside, with a cute little flutter of a heartbeat.  It just made my day!  In one more week I will be able to hear the baby with the hand held doppler, and then I won't be so panicky about baby but rather start to worry about his majesty My Cervix.

Because I can't eat breakfast due to the recurrent vomiting, I usually graze a bit in the morning and try to have most of my calories at lunch.  The cafeteria had chicken and roast potatoes with some kind of overcooked broccoli today, and I was extremely happy to see the chicken because I had been craving it for a long time.  Ever since I got pregnant I crave non vegan foods, which I do indulge in from time to time, but I won't actually cook them in my house.  So I count on the cafeteria to provide me with my meat cheats.  Well, by the time they got to me, the chicken was gone (the person in front of me had the last piece).  I wanted to cry.  I became so nauseous, due to my intense craving, that the entire afternoon I spent trying not to throw up and fantasizing about where I can get some chicken.  I think we need to eat out tonight otherwise the fixed idea is not coming out of my head anytime soon.  So much for a vegan pregnancy! but with battling the nausea and some days having mostly pedialyte and juice, it is better if I have whatever my body wants at the moment.  Unless it involves stealing it off the plate of the person in front of me.

weird ultrasound experience today

Nothing new to report, I am missing in action due to bad nausea and daily vomiting.  This week I am vomiting about 4-5 times a day, and sleeping as much as I can so that I don't have to vomit more.  Yesterday I slept 13 hours!  I have lost a bit of weight as well, but my pants are getting tighter, so I am guessing that the uterus is growing.

I asked a friend of mine who is a physician and has his own ultrasound to have a look today, and he could not even see the gestational sac!  this of course worried him (although he was looking transabdominally at my retroverted uterus, so it is not that unusual not to find it if you don't have experience), and he asked me if I have already had an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy.  He seemed to think that I am not pregnant anymore, or something strange like that.  I normally would be very worried, but tonight for once I decided that my own body is able to tell me the truth better than any machine with poor resolution:  I am so nauseated I could die, I sleep half the day, and my uterus is visibly growing.  I worried a little though, and so I did ask my OB if he wants to have a look sometime next week.  He was totally unconcerned and told me that unless I have a giant HCG secreting tumour, I am probably still pregnant.  We concluded that I should be able to tolerate one week going by without needing an ultrasound to tell me that I am still pregnant...That being said, I am probably going to hunt him down tomorrow to do a quickie ultrasound just because I am crazy.

January 2, Adrian's day

I do not want to remember the labour, the pain, the bleeding, the enormous feeling of failure.  I just want to remember how alive I felt when I held him, how his little body was perfect in every way, and so beautiful, so soft.  Every facial feature was making me guess its origin, in my own parents, in my brother, in MrH and his parents whom I never met.  He was so delicate and warm from my body, almost alive...

I do not usually post pictures of him because his pictures are something so intimate for me, but for a brief time, I will post this one, one of three pictures that I had time to take with my iphone before they took me to the operating room bleeding.  I cherish it so much, it is very dear to me, and I am only posting it here because I trust that it will inspire love in those reading my blog, not fear or sadness or pity:

On that day I learned that I loved him more than I thought I did.  I learned that he was part of my body and soul, that my life was his, and still is as far as I can make it. I learned that we lost so much, so much.  And I learned that pregnancy was a miracle, that my body, faulty as it was, had managed to feed and protect him until he became the miracle that he was from a tiny embryo.  He had beautiful little hands and feet, and strong thighs, tiny muscled shoulders, and a cute little nose.  His toes were definitely mine, and so was his determined facial expression.  His forehead was more like MrH's, and so was the abundant lack of hair.

Adrian has taught me to be tough and soft at the same time.  He has taught me that I can survive and go on despite enormous loss.  He has taught me that I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted anything else in life.  His pregnancy has taught me to be calm during my subsequent prolonged infertility, knowing that it would happen someday, and once pregnant to trust my body despite the bleeding, to believe that the seemingly never ending nausea will end eventually, to enjoy the weight gain and the thickening of my waist, to love losing myself while becoming a mother again.  I love you baby, my first son.  May you rest your little soul in peace.

Until we meet again,
Mommy.