Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Envying Abel- ramblings on jealousy

First, I want to say that I am happy that Robert Edwards won the Nobel Prize in Medicine for pioneering IVF.  He has changed my world in ways I cannot begin to describe.  Congratulations to him, and a big thank you!

The work day went fine, I find that if I stand a lot the incision starts to hurt (duh, I just had surgery seven days ago), but otherwise no complaints.  I started writing this post in the morning, and took one picture of Max (Senegal parrot, I think he is a male, I think he thinks I am his wife) as he quietly waddled across the floor, snuck up on me and started biting my toes for not paying attention to him.

Now, onto the rambling.

Envy is such an awesome force.  I mean, think about it, are there any other feelings that take over one's mind to such an extent as to make a person kill their brother?  Envy, or jealousy, is an amazing power, and as such, it needs to be acknowledged with respect.

I don't have a sister, but I often wonder what I would feel if I did, and if she were to get pregnant and have a baby.  Probably, along the same lines of what I always feel, namely a whole bunch of conflicting emotions.  I would be happy to have a new baby in the family, to at least make sure that my parents get to be grandparents once and that somehow our DNA gets to go on (because hey, what will the world of the future be like without our DNA, I tremble in fear...). And, of course, I would be relieved to know that she is happy.  It's enough to have one tragic case in the family, if there is more than one then we're starting to rely on distributive attention, and we all know that's not as good... for cultivating my narcissistic traits.

And yeah, I would be so jealous I could die.  I was, at one point, jealous of my own mother for having given birth to me, if that makes any sense to anybody.  I have reached amazing depths in my capacity for jealousy. I  think the highlight of the ride was when my friend's cat had kittens.  I went to visit her and the cute little kitties suckling at their mom's many nipples, and I have to say I was bloody jealous of the cat! (if any fertiles are reading this blog, no, I was not jealous of the many nipples, try again).  I have even been jealous during long drives out in the country, when I saw cows with calves, and mares with foals (thank you MrH for knowing so many words in English, I would have never come up with the correct term for "baby horse").  I have been so fucked up it's not even funny.  In fact, I still am, but I have in part made peace with myself.  My subconscious and I have drawn out an agreement which states that I can be as fucked up as I want, as long as the evidence stays burried. 

I suspect that even if I had three healthy children at some future point, I would still be very jealous of the people who had no reproductive challenges.  (MrH, if you are reading this, please stop hyperventilating, we are sticking with the original plan of one or two).  Hence, jealousy is here to stay, my constant companion until the day I die.  I suspect, however, that it will slowly fade, and that once this stage of my life is over I will find plenty of other things to be jealous of...again.

PS.  Fertile people, forgive me for poking fun at you, I do like you a lot:  look, despite the fact that you have no clue what I am talking about half the time, you are still reading my blog.  Thank you!

PPS.  Infertile people, if you understand what I am talking about here, then please tell me about your jealousy experience in one line or two:  what is the deepest depth that you have sunk to?

PPPS.  If neither fertiles nor infertiles understand my post, please somebody let me know, I am certain that there must be medication available for my ailment.


  1. Mrs.. H, there is a list of blogs sorted by topics (Stirrup Queen aka the blog diva), but they are not specific to IC or TAC, etc. Just loss, adoption, infertility, and so on. Here is the link. http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you/
    Hope this helps!

  2. I have learned, through the process of my son's death and 4 miscarriages, 2 things.

    1. Envy is the natural response to an unnatural situation. What I do with that natural response is entirely up to me.

    2. Just because someone is fertile and has all of their children live doesn't mean that they have a happy life. Many people have some great tragedy in their life, one that I will never understand. Many people are quietly hurting, and I must remember that.

  3. I guess I don't fit in any category. Thing is, I might be fertile, but still not have a life baby beside me. Guess that makes me the perfect reader for your blog, huh?

    Oh bloody jealousy. Me sister and me have been pregnant at the same time and her daughter was born alive and well 9 days before my son's stillbirth. Now I can say the my niece is the best and the worst thing that "happened to me". Worst, for she is a constant reminder of what i'll never have. Best, because the joy she brings to the family is priceless. But no matter how much fun we have, when I look at family-pictures all I see is the hole where a little boy should have been beside his cousin.

  4. O I love love love your honest writing! Isn't blogging fabulous! As you know with Alistair's past year life has been nothing but the unexpected but wow do i feel so incredibly fortunate to have that little gaffer smile up at me every day! I hope you can get the same out of blogging as I did. It gave people the ability to see and read how you felt when they weren't sure if they should ask. I also found then you weren't having to be a broken record and repeat the same bloomin thing over and over and could talk over and above the blog. Very therapeutic for me and still is.... and by reading your blog for the first time I get the feeling it could be doing similar things for you. (i hope!) K wonderlady continue the blatant honesty...its refreshing. Cheers julie

  5. I'm an infertile (though currently pg) and my lows of jealousy equal yours. I hated my mom for getting KU at 17 and having me, then my brother less than 2 yrs later with zero issues. I've felt the envy of seeing cows with their calves. Your feelings are not lost on me at ALL! It just takes a hell of a lot of $$ for me to get knocked up. It's staying that way that is the challenge for me...

  6. Oh sister do I relate to this! Jealousy has definitely been a part of my life lately and it's only gotten worse since our baby died. First jealousy towards those who can get pregnant so easily and then those that get to have healthy babies with uneventful pregnancies...in my head it's more likely the baby will die than live through pregnancy so I'm always in awe when a baby is born, I know my mind has sadly got this backwards, but this is the world I've lived in lately. I work in social work so it's been incredibly hard for me since we began on this infertility journey to see all of the children whose parents neglect and/or abuse them, it always makes me so mad with jealousy that these children aren't mind and instead are with parents who harm them. Ugh, sorry I'm ranting now and getting up on my soap box, life is just so freaking unfair sometimes!

  7. okay - I have a screwed up jealousy instance for you. You know how I have digestive system issues right? Well, this one time, I stepped into the bathroom at work and saw the most beautiful, long, thick, hard and well formed poop just sitting there un-flushed. I was SO jealous - it's been at least 10 years since I had experienced anything similar. So there- how f***d up is that?!

  8. Wow, Ilinca, you really topped us all with the poop-envy. I think daddy Freud would have something to say to you, privately. By the way, hard and thick is not very pleasant to pass, in case it's been too long and you forgot!