Envying Abel- ramblings on jealousy

First, I want to say that I am happy that Robert Edwards won the Nobel Prize in Medicine for pioneering IVF.  He has changed my world in ways I cannot begin to describe.  Congratulations to him, and a big thank you!

The work day went fine, I find that if I stand a lot the incision starts to hurt (duh, I just had surgery seven days ago), but otherwise no complaints.  I started writing this post in the morning, and took one picture of Max (Senegal parrot, I think he is a male, I think he thinks I am his wife) as he quietly waddled across the floor, snuck up on me and started biting my toes for not paying attention to him.

Now, onto the rambling.

Envy is such an awesome force.  I mean, think about it, are there any other feelings that take over one's mind to such an extent as to make a person kill their brother?  Envy, or jealousy, is an amazing power, and as such, it needs to be acknowledged with respect.

I don't have a sister, but I often wonder what I would feel if I did, and if she were to get pregnant and have a baby.  Probably, along the same lines of what I always feel, namely a whole bunch of conflicting emotions.  I would be happy to have a new baby in the family, to at least make sure that my parents get to be grandparents once and that somehow our DNA gets to go on (because hey, what will the world of the future be like without our DNA, I tremble in fear...). And, of course, I would be relieved to know that she is happy.  It's enough to have one tragic case in the family, if there is more than one then we're starting to rely on distributive attention, and we all know that's not as good... for cultivating my narcissistic traits.

And yeah, I would be so jealous I could die.  I was, at one point, jealous of my own mother for having given birth to me, if that makes any sense to anybody.  I have reached amazing depths in my capacity for jealousy. I  think the highlight of the ride was when my friend's cat had kittens.  I went to visit her and the cute little kitties suckling at their mom's many nipples, and I have to say I was bloody jealous of the cat! (if any fertiles are reading this blog, no, I was not jealous of the many nipples, try again).  I have even been jealous during long drives out in the country, when I saw cows with calves, and mares with foals (thank you MrH for knowing so many words in English, I would have never come up with the correct term for "baby horse").  I have been so fucked up it's not even funny.  In fact, I still am, but I have in part made peace with myself.  My subconscious and I have drawn out an agreement which states that I can be as fucked up as I want, as long as the evidence stays burried. 


I suspect that even if I had three healthy children at some future point, I would still be very jealous of the people who had no reproductive challenges.  (MrH, if you are reading this, please stop hyperventilating, we are sticking with the original plan of one or two).  Hence, jealousy is here to stay, my constant companion until the day I die.  I suspect, however, that it will slowly fade, and that once this stage of my life is over I will find plenty of other things to be jealous of...again.

PS.  Fertile people, forgive me for poking fun at you, I do like you a lot:  look, despite the fact that you have no clue what I am talking about half the time, you are still reading my blog.  Thank you!

PPS.  Infertile people, if you understand what I am talking about here, then please tell me about your jealousy experience in one line or two:  what is the deepest depth that you have sunk to?

PPPS.  If neither fertiles nor infertiles understand my post, please somebody let me know, I am certain that there must be medication available for my ailment.