Friday, May 18, 2012

once infertile, always infertile

Despite having this wonderful child who exceeded all my motherly expectations, I am still finding myself thinking like an infertile.  I am still (due to work, and also due to the age group that I belong to) surrounded by pregnant women.  The good news is that I now feel like I belong among women as a gender, and among humankind as a species.  The bad news is that I am still having a hard time thinking about how long it is going to take me to get pregnant compared to other, normal people, and also feeling a bit worried about my health during a pregnancy, given that, um, I almost died last time.  Last two times.  I hemorrhaged both times, once badly, the second time almost fatally.

That being said, I still feel somewhat inferior to any other woman who can get pregnant naturally (and easily) and work or maintain a normal life during the pregnancy, then deliver and...not be scared shitless of dying while doing it.  I crave normalcy.  I want not to be quite so special for a change.  But it is not possible.  I am infertile.  I have incompetent cervix.  My uterus ruptured 360 degrees around the transabdominal cerclage, and is now weak all along that line.  And, to top it off, I have some weird placental site involution disorder that nearly killed me last time.

Why me?

All these thoughts take my attention away from Emma, and that is the true tragedy.  Reality has been good to me.  I am still alive.  But I am upset at myself for not being as happy as happy can be around my daughter, and not completely basking in the miracle that she is 24/7, without thinking about any other things that put me down and under.

I did not post anything on Mother's day because I am conflicted.  On my very first Mother's Day with a live baby, I would have liked to say how happy and blessed I feel about having Emma in my life, but at the same time how I felt that pain and shame of not being a mother for so long...almost like it still was reality.   I have a hard time letting go of my infertile self...I have a hard time forgiving myself for being imperfect in all these ways...and I definitely have a hard time embracing my courage and persistence, and basking in my success/good luck...

In other words, I still need to blog.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you. Even though I am not in your place, this really resonates with me. I am sure I will feel the same way if I succeed in having a living child. And while having a living child is a totally amazing, wonderful, fulfilling, and miraculous thing ,I know that it doesn't fix or solve all of that hurt and pain and those horrible experiences that defined your life for quite some time. I am sure it is also daunting to think about trying again, even if it is what you ultimately want. (((hugs)))