And I made it this far, incredibly. All is going extremely well, other than the hyperactivity that I am experiencing from the steroids, and the lack of sleep (I had 4h last night, and 4h the night before). I am also experiencing foot pain from walking in high heels yesterday, and I am thinking that given my weight increase of 30 lb I should probably abstain from heels from now on and just wear runners. Except runners are so ugly that I simply cannot bring myself to wear them, so I don't know what to do. Perhaps a compromise in which I give my feet a break here and there with runners and clogs would be good. At the moment I have plantar fasciitis so bad that I had to take tylenol last night to sleep a bit.
A 3 year old died yesterday in an accident, and I spent the day thinking about the horrendous situation that the parents are finding themselves in. I didn't know the child, but I feel like I know a bit of the pain. It is, of course, very different than my pain, but all pain is gut wrenching nonetheless. I know that the parents will take a lifetime to mourn. I know that they will go through days and days of not really existing, just living in a daze, unable to connect with reality, not sleeping, not eating, not laughing. I know that when they can allow it, the pain will be unbearable and it will last long, up to the limit of what their heart and mind can bear, then take a little break, then come again, in seemingly never ending waves.
I also know though that after a while the pain will become more tolerable, that life will go on with this pain as a constant part of it. And that, despite the loss forever etched in their lives, I know that they will be happy again. Despite losing my baby Adrian after trying so hard and so desperately to have him, I can honestly say that life went on and that at this moment in my life I AM THE HAPPIEST THAT I HAVE EVER BEEN! It is possible to be happy again after losing a child. I have seen it before, and am living it now.
Despite knowing this, there is no shortcut through grief. I don't know why some people have to face the biggest loss in the world, that of a child, and sometimes multiple times, while others find that the biggest problem they have is a job loss or a dispute with the in-laws, things that I honestly consider trivial in the grand scheme of life. The only thing that matters is that our loved ones, our family, be healthy and alive. Everything else is repairable, only death and disability can be permanent. But most importantly, there is always hope that life will be happy again.