20 weeks!

I never thought things would be going so well at this stage.  I am impressed with my cervical length, that is a solid 4 cm again.  Emma is healthy on her anatomy scan, and she is measuring in the 75th percentile.  I have had a good appointment with MFM, where I was encouraged to continue the biweekly scans, and even weekly if any change happens, and to come to Vancouver at viability for a while if I feel safer here.  I probably will, at least for one month from 24 to 28 weeks.  But that is still far away.  I am, for the moment, feeling safe and happy.  And I miss MrH tremendously!  After only four days of being away from him, I feel like I need the safety of his arms and his presence, his comfort, his love.  I don't know how I will live for a month or two away from him.  Of course, for Emma's sake I would do anything.

After my appointment with MFM, I went straight to the Hermes store and bought a scarf.  I wanted one for years, but thought it too frivolous to spend the enormous sum of money for such a feminine luxury.  However, for some inexplicable reason, I felt that I would like Emma to have this scarf when she is older, the one that I wore when I was pregnant with her and that I got when I was immensely happy and relieved that she is healthy and safe.  The scarf is somewhat similar to this one except that instead of purple it has a beautiful deep dusty rose tone.  It is in the dip dye collection called Clic Clac, and if anybody cares this man has an entire blog dedicated to different Hermes scarves and talks about this scarf's history.  Because it is deeper in colour, the softness of the silk is unmatched and it is truly remarkable how well this scarf holds its shape.  What is more remarkable is that it matches EVERY SINGLE item of maternity clothing that I have.  All my stuff is based on burgundy and olive green.  I actually had two tops and two pairs of pants, but today I stumbled upon a store called Jack and Jill, and I got two tops and a jacket.  I also got two more maternity pants from H&M, one grey and one white.

Here is one of the tops in boho romantic style (btw none of them are actually maternity specific, since I have already made public my loathe of maternity specific cheap materials, shoddy design and polyester feel).  The pants are maternity pants, but I can put up with that on the bottom half, I just don't want polyester touching my upper body, because I AM A SNOB.  I really am a textile snob.  I am also, apparently, not destined to be a minimalist.  Might as well embrace that truth about myself as well.  I need to fight with myself to give up clothing that I love, and I get bored wearing the same thing over and over again, as my last week of wearing two tops and one pair of pants drove me up the wall.  I tolerate it better when a. there is a hardship and I can't afford anything else or b. when the top was so beautifully crafted, from such exquisite materials, read v. expensive, that I am totally in love with it for a long time.  Of course, the latter did not apply to my maternity wear, which I was prepared to burn at stake.  So here it is, my Italian designed, manufactured and beautifully adorned with lace new love.  It will replace the uggggggllllyyyy maternity tops that I hate.

Please stop me if all my fashion ramblings annoy you.  I have a passionate eye towards well designed, well made objects, and read a lot about the history of different designers, the manufacturing process, and the care of the textiles.  Sometimes I can get downright annoying and boring.  Except that fortunately, it is my blog and so I can't get kicked out, hehehe.

And nothing happened

Today was an uneventful day, marking this 19w4d anniversary of sorts: the day when Adrian's pregnancy went so wrong.  Nothing happened.  I went shopping, I laughed a lot with my mom and my friend, and I got two fabulous pairs of shoes:

Both are a similar style, and both have the height of heel that I tend to prefer. 

I also got a cute ring, it seems a bit too big, but it looks good with matching earrings, which my mom gave me as a present recently:

It matches the spring flowers outside:

By contrast, when I get back home I will post a picture of a snow mountain 1m deep on my patio.

Tomorrow is the ANATOMY SCAN day and the MFM appointment.  A big day for Emma and me.

19w3d, so far away from any problems

Just in case anybody is wondering what happened to all the deserts I made...MrH ate them.  All.  And he enjoyed them tremendously.  I guess I will have to make them again.  Except that I am at my parents' house now, in Vancouver, and I am being asked to make gogosi, a Romanian desert consisting of yeasted sweet dough that gets deep fried.  Delicious.  I will make some tonight.  My only problem is that Vancouver is still cold, especially in my parents' house, and I don't know if the dough will raise.  In LittleTown at my house, I have a sneaky method for raising dough:  I put it in my dehydrator, and put the temperature on a constant yeast-friendly temperature, covering the dough to ensure that it doesn't actually dry out.  It raises beautifully.  My second problem is that without a Kitchen.Aid I have to actually knead the dough by hand, and I am sooooo lazy (like we have already discussed in my previous post).  I will ask my dad to knead I think, he has big hands.

I debated with myself whether I should talk about domestic stuff on my blog, like purses and recipes and handmade cosmetics, since it really has nothing to do with pregnancy or babyloss, but in the end my life is really varied, my interests are varied, and it is nice to write about them on here, especially on days when I don't want to think about the fact that I am pregnant and high-risk.  On days when I just want to feel like any other woman.  Or on the days when I eat deserts and shop on ebay because I am high risk.

Tomorrow I will be 19w4d, the exact gestational age where I went into the hospital with the 5 cm dilatation.  Now you can see why I would rather not think about it.  I still struggle with a lot of guilt.  On my last OB appointment, I had a good cry and told my OB that in my last pregnancy I feel that I did everything wrong:  I worked, I exercised, I pushed myself in ways in which I don't think I should have, in retrospect.  I felt that the loss has happened because I did not behave "pregnant" but rather just like my usual active self, strongly involved in everything and never taking it easy.  I said that I did not want to make the same mistake this time again.  He could hear that I am feeling guilty, I mean c'mon, I practically radiate guilt much like a Japanese nuclear reactor spewing radioactive isotopes, and put his hands on my shoulders and said something that I already heard a hundred times but don't always believe:  that activity and exercise do not cause a collagen defect.  That what happened was not my fault.  That I had a disease.

I want so much to believe that I did not kill Adrian.  It is hard to feel Emma move and kick in the exact same way that Adrian used to kick, and know that she is the same size he was when he died, and realize that he was perfect and strong and that my body killed him.  On most days I manage not to think about it.  On other days, the best I can do is to tell myself not to use this kind of language, and to rather rephrase it as a tragedy that happened to both of us, him and me.  But if you backed your car over your child playing on his toy bike and killed him or her by accident because you did not see them in your rear view mirror, it would not be your fault and yet it would be.  It is the same way with me.  I am not guilty yet I am.  Or am I?  And around and around it goes.

I think that the anniversary of the loss is playing big time in my subconscious mind, because last night at 4 am I was awake and busy on ebay buying...a purse.  (Please have mercy on me, I really am trying to be a restrained citizen). I definitely don't need another purse, since I already have two Prada, one Bottega Veneta, and two Coach. (And a tiny Chanel but that one doesn't count because it is so tiny). However, this beauty was so pretty that I decided to bid half-hartedly asking for 500$ off the buy it now price.  I never thought I would actually get it.  I will have to sell one of my Prada's on ebay now to compensate.  Or go on another shopping diet for a year, like I did so far (yes, I had a year's long shopping diet at least concerning purses.  I still managed to sneak in two pairs of shoes).   Here is the picture of the purse I got, it is fabulous (scroll to the middle of the page).

Initially I kicked myself for being so weak and giving in, but now I really think there is something about purses that manages to distract me from babyloss thoughts.  What exactly I don't know:  is it that purses symbolize something to my unconscious mind?  is it that I love their beauty and soft leather and hence distract myself with the esthetics?  Then I decided that rather than kick myself, I might make it an anniversary of sorts: every february/march I would allow myself a new purse purchase if I wanted it (assuming that I would sell one of my already existing ones, otherwise I would not have any more room for them) as a commemoration...  Perhaps I should rather invest the money into some therapy instead, but this sounds like way more fun.  Once a year I will allow myself a nice big purchase of a designer item that I like (and it does not have to be a purse, perhaps shoes might work, or sunglasses, or any other very durable long term item).  Let's see, shopping or therapy...which one would work better for me?  Shopping as therapy? Next year I am getting a watch.

Random things

I really should stop watching youtube videos about how to prepare deserts:  I wanted to learn how to make choux puffs (cream puffs) and so I did, then I realized I had to learn how to make the custard cream to fill them up.  Made the custard cream and realized that there were lots of egg whites leftover and I had no desire for eggwhite scramble.  So...I made some macaroons with shredded coconut.  I now have A LOT of  deserts in the house.  Tomorrow I plan on breaking the rest of the scale's legs.

Here is a picture of the macaroons with some leftover coconut from the top where I ate two (gasp!)

Also, while the cream puffs are finishing baking, I will show you guys some wonderful treats from our last trip to Vancouver, when we went to a lovely afternoon tea serving at Hotel Vancouver:

I also have some pictures of the hotel room in which we stayed, it was very nice and I have been meaning to post them for a while but did not find the time:

We actually split our stay in two hotels, Sutton Place and Hyatt.  Both lovely.  And on the bed my beloved Bottega Venetta purse, which was my first designer purse purchased after I lost Adrian (that following month I bought three very expensive, around 1500 dollars each, purses.  It was good therapy).

Oh, here come the cream puffs:  all ready to cool and be filled with custard:

As you can see, I am not very concerned with esthetics today.  I just dumped the dough on with a spoon instead of piping it through a pastry bag.  I also failed to photoshop the picture at least to adjust the quality of the colours, which are awful.  On second thought, just to make MrH proud (he is an avid photographer) let's bother to adjust this picture a bit:

Much better.  Never mind that I was too lazy to use a proper camera and I used my computer's photo booth program to take a picture through the computer's camera, which is why it so blurry.  Lazy to the bone, like I said.

I hope I made everybody very hungry.  I don't want to gain weight alone here.
PS.  If anybody is interested in other random stuff, like how I arranged my spice cabinet or my sock drawer, please let me know.  I am obviously very bored and nesting.

ultrasound great

Just a quick update: the cervix is 4 cm long or close to that, as far as I could see on the screen.  The cerclage is holding better than anybody would have thought.  I am ECSTATIC!
God has been very good to me.  Emma is kicking up a storm, today she kicked so hard that the book resting on my belly moved.  She is getting stronger every day.
I have decided not to replace the broken scale since one can still balance carefully on it, and get a reading.  The only thing is that the reading is 2 lb heavier today than it was yesterday, so maybe the scale is asking for trouble...

tomorrow 19 weeks for real!

Everything feels so stable!  I have my ultrasound tomorrow at noon and will post the results of course, but I feel like everything is going well.  I should not be too happy too soon, but in my previous pregnancy things had probably started going downhill about one week before the actual hospitalization (since that is approximately how long it takes most of the time, and I had started to feel that the baby was kicking lower at about that time).  So I should be able to make it to 20 weeks then.  And if so, perhaps even 21...22...dare I hope etc?

My little girl is active, and just as I was thinking that she does not kick as hard as Adrian used to, she is now proving me wrong by twirling batons just under my bellybutton.  I have almost finished her 3 months knitted sweater, and have ordered clothes (gasp!!!) for her on ebay, since there is nowhere in my town to buy nice organic cotton stuff (or if there is, I don't know where it is, given that I have never had to buy baby clothes before).  I don't technically have to get them so soon but I feel so excited by how well everything is going, that I gave into the optimism and the pleasure of planning and imagining.  I plan on being minimalistic about baby stuff though, mostly because that is a life philosophy that I am trying to adhere to for years (yes, I know I am not good at it, but I keep on trying, and in some areas have succeeded).

This is the list of baby clothes that I got:  six onesies and six full body pajamas for 0-3, same for 3-6 (all in cream, green and brown, so any combination thereof will match).  Then I got three activewear (T-shirt and pants) in pink for 3-6 months.  Also three blankets, one in cashmere (was a good deal and I wanted something divine and soft for my little girl) and two Koala brand (soft fleece I think).  Also, got 5 small and 5 medium G.diapers (cloth diapering system) with cotton liners (25 each size).  I am definitely doing the cloth diapers instead of disposable, although the G.diapers are hybrid diapers so I could use biodegradable liners and compost them afterwards (we compost in summers, in winter I don't think I could find the composter in the pile of snow on my deck, which is currently 1.5 m tall (I have to take a picture).  I know that I sound envirocrazy here, but I don't really like the idea of disposable anything.  I don't even use tampons, I use In.stead cups that I rewash and dry between uses (you're not supposed to do that, they tell you to throw them out, but I have not had any problems with this system in over two years).

Anyway, back to my ebay trip yesterday.  I also got two used "Pea.in.the.pod" maternity tops, one in cashmere, the other in rayon/cotton blend.  I am fed up with the cheap acrylic crap that I bought at Thyme maternity, it washes poorly and attracts cat hair, plus it feels plasticky on the skin.  I am a total textile snob.  I cannot stand synthetics.  A blend, maybe, but 100% acrylic is an awful feeling, like wearing plastic bags knitted into garments.  So I wear cashmere and silk and cotton, as daily wear, and my cat and birds put their claws into my silk pajamas, or make holes into my cashmere robe, but who cares, they are meant to be worn not kept for better days.  And you know what? they still look better than any acrylic, even after I mend them.  I am also not intimidated by the little "dry clean only" tag on the garments, which by the way I have NEVER done (I don't even know if we have a dry cleaner here in town).  I put them in the wash on the handwash cycle, and dry them on a drying rack or flat on a towel, then iron them before use.  I love to iron, and even iron my pajamas, my sweaters and my house robe.  It is a Romanian thing, we like things crisp and ironed well.

I did acquire more clothes and more boots than I should have in a minimalist existence, but hey, I did say I am not very good at following the principles.  My own interpretation of the minimalist philosophy has more to do with not having things in the house that don't get used, or that I don't love.  And yes, I use all of my nine pairs of boots, and my eight pairs of gloves.  (It is winter from September until May here, I don't really have any sandals).  And my six designer purses.  And I love them all.  They all get to spend time doing active duty, as in, I don't protect them too much, I just wear them and use them and let them show signs of wear and tear.  I don't mind that.  An object that is well loved and well used is beautiful in its own way.  I repair my shoes instead of replacing them (which is why I ended up with nine pairs).  I went as far as to sew the seams on a pair of sandals two times, until the poor Korean shoe repair guy gave up on them.  Now I need to resole my boots.  I love doing things like that.  I love it when my cookware looks used.  I get stressed out when something is new and too shiny, and start to relax when the copper starts to tarnish a bit, or the cast iron has an used look to it.

I am writing a fair bit about my life philosophy because I have time to reflect on it.  I am taking some time to read blogs of other people who do similar things, and have come to like the minimalist mom, a lady that lives in Vancouver and even got rid of her car.  In my little town, it is very cold most of the year and my car which is 12 years old does not have a working heater.  I drive in very freezing temperatures most of the time, but because I only drive short distances, I don't see why I have to replace the car for this reason only.  Oh well, it does break down about once a year, and spends a minimum of two weeks in the shop each time, but it costs me less than a new car's lease for three months to fix it each time.  And I love using it until it dies.  The trick is having BCAA insurance for the towing each time.

So yes, this is what I like to do:  get things I love, without looking too long and hard at the cost, and then use them until they fall apart.  I don't like replacing things unless they break.  Speaking of which: this morning I broke the scale.  I stood on it and it clunk! broke.  Literally.  I have gained a total of 8 lb in this pregnancy, and apparently the scale had a nervous breakdown.  I am going to have to buy another one eventually, so I will research different scales, and get one that is made of glass and looks pretty, even if it costs double of a normal scale, since I will be having it for many many years.  I did the same thing with the blender:  my old blender, a Phillips that I found at a garage sale when I was a poor student, worked until this year, when it died in a small cloud of smoke.  I got a very sturdy and expensive (strong engine) blender from Blend.tech that will probably be good for the next 15 years.  And I will probably not replace it until it also dies in a cloud of smoke.  Same goes for everything I own appliance-wise.  Unless it dies it cannot be replaced.  Sometimes I pray for things to die sooner, so I can get something newer and more performant, like the handheld blender from Ba.mix.  I had one from Cuisin.art, and it worked well, but I wanted the Ba.mix one because it foamed milk like beaten eggs, and in summer that made a nice dessert.  I waited for one year for the Cuisin.art to die, and die it did, because it was a gift and hence not a sturdy well built item that I would have bought for myself, but rather a cheapo plastic thingy that cannot live with the large amount of soup blending and egg white fluffing that I do on a regular basis.

It does take a lot of discipline not to buy new and fancy things that look cool.  Like I really wanted at some point to get a Bul.let blender (you know the ones they advertise on TV, where you press and it blends).  I resisted the idea.  It is made of plastic.  It will break.  Sooner than the large engine of the Blend.tech will.  And the plastic will have to go and pollute the landfill outside of Littletown here, a landfill that used to be a hole and is now a respectable hill on top of which nothing will ever grow.  Sad.

Anyway, I might be distracting myself from the ultrasound tomorrow with such thoughts, but hey, I am alone at home all day long knitting and have too much time to think about life and philosophy.  I would love to hear what others think of this.  Feel free to express the opposite point of view.

crafts

I have been churning out a whole bunch of crafty things:  first I knitted a hat for a newborn, and then realized it is too large, maybe more for a one year old.  Then I knitted the same hat but in newborn size.  Here you can see both, the newborn one was knitted on double pointed needles in the round, and is mostly in moss stitch, the larger one is a much faster project knitted flat in stockinette.  I have used a 70% bamboo and 30% silk yarn for it, only one 50g skein for both.

Then I started a cozy large garment and have the two front panels finished, currently a third of the back is done.  I have no idea what it is supposed to look like when finished, and if anyone else does, let me know. I am just following the pattern.  There will be a zipper at the front, and a hoodie as well.  It is knitted out of very cheap acrylic, which I don't like, but I started with that in order to see if I still like knitting, as I was weary of buying a lot of expensive yarn and not finishing anything again (like I did three years ago--- the moths ate the yarn!).

Lastly, I keep waiting for my sewing machine that I bought on ebay to arrive, and got fed up, so I started sewing by hand.  I had two old t-shirts that I did not use much anymore, one is the brick coloured one, the other one is the brown one, which I cut up and put a piece on the bottom and one at the neck.  It is not a big deal, but I needed a long top since I am running out of options to cover the belly band on the jeans, so this is it, basic and hand sewn out of desperation.  The neck addition is a bit skewed, but I am NOT taking it apart again and sewing it one more time, 'cause I don't have patience.  Maybe later, when I get bored again and feel like taking something apart and redoing it.  This is my very first clothes sewing project, I have never done it before.  It is definitely not perfect, but it makes me feel darn crafty.

heading on to 19 weeks

At 19 weeks and 2 days is when I went in to the hospital very dilated (5-6 cm) and the cerclage was placed.  Today I am 18 weeks and 3 days.  It is coming.  I am nervous, but everything is so good that I have a strong feeling I will get past this day without dilating or funneling.  My next ultrasound is on Thursday, and I almost think that there will be no change.  The Braxton Hicks have subsided a lot since I am not working.  I spend my days knitting, and it is a lot of fun.  I am also thinking of handsewing some alterations on T-shirts and such, mostly patches of material that would make the garment more lively.  I don't know anything about sewing, but I have lots of time to learn, so might as well.

Emma has a life of her own, she has a schedule and she sticks to it.  She moves in the mornings and evenings.  In between she sleeps and thinks deep thoughts about the meaning of life.  At various points she takes tap dance lessons.  This morning she was making the most out of the uterine real estate available and she curled up right in the fundus, like Adrian used to do, into a little ball right at the very edge.  Sometimes she stretches the uterine fundus and then I poke her to move over and she does, reluctantly.

I had a strange dream last night in which I was writing about my life's frustrations in black pen over a baby's back.  I think the baby was my little sister.  I had to give her a bath to erase the ink before anybody read my life story on her back.  Jung, where are you when I have work for you to do?

I have lost another follower.  By the end of this pregnancy, MrH will be the only one still reading my blog... I apologize that my life is uneventful and rather boring, but that is the way I like it at this point.

restless legs

I have been knitting a fair bit, and made a hat yesterday that was supposed to be for a newborn although I think it has turned out for a 3 to 6 month old by the time I washed it.  I settled on bamboo yarn with 30% silk, so it is a light summery hat.  Although by the time Emma turns 3 months old, it will be winter over here.  So be it.  She'll wear it in the house.  I am now making the same hat but on much smaller needles, and this time I am doing it on double pointed needles in the round, instead of flat.  It is a little harder, but there is no seam and the finishing is more beautiful.

Emma is moving a lot, the more I lie down and do nothing, the more she decides it is time to have some fun and kick mommy in the bladder.  She must have restless legs just like me.

Restless legs...what can I say, they are a bad bad affliction of pregnancy.  At one point, I tried to rank in order which one symptom sucks the most:  the nausea, the tiredness, or the restless legs.  Definitely if the restless legs would be ongoing all day long like the nausea used to be (and some days still is!), they would rank up there with the nausea.  As it is though, the nausea sucks the most, followed by the RLS.  The tiredness is the least of my worries, especially now that I can sleep when I need to.  I did notice that the more tired I am, the worse the restless jerking gets, to the point that sometimes my legs simply kick without control, like in Parkinson's disease.

I flew to Vancouver last week and was attacked on the plane by an enormous case of restless legs.  I was sitting at the window, and MrH was in the aisle seat, trying to doze off.  My legs had to move non stop, and the fact that I had no room to stretch them (I am tall) made me almost have a panic attack.  I stretched them over his lap, and everyone else was looking at me funny.  Not as funny as they looked when I put them on the ceiling though!  Trust me, if there is one place where you don't want to get a RLS attack, the plane is it, particularly in the crammed spots available in this particular plane.

What really helps is getting a lot of sleep.  And sometimes meditation, in order to avoid getting panicky, especially in crammed spaces.

18 weeks tomorrow, off work

It is official, I am off work now.  I am getting too many Braxton Hicks when up and about, and I tried working half days but towards the end of the evening I end up with a hard uterus that is irritable and keeps me awake at night worrying, so I went to see my obs today who said it is not worth it.  I am also starting progesterone intravaginally (in Canada we don't have the injectable form, which honestly I would prefer, as the vaginal progesterone is very messy).

I had a good cry at the obstetrician's office today, I told him how freaked out I am by the Braxton Hicks.  I am very sensitive to them as well and panic when they intensify.  It does not help that exactly ten day from today is when I went in to the hospital and was dilated and that was the beginning of the end.  I am expecting something to go wrong now as well.  I thought I was stronger than this, but I am definitely crumbling inside with worries.  I want this little girl so much.  I love how she kicks non stop, and would hate to lose her when she is so strong and full of life.

We went to a 3D ultrasound last week, despite knowing that it would be a bit too early to see good detail.  We did get to see her face, she has a little upturned nose, and she was hugging the placenta the whole time during the ultrasound.  That was so cute, to see her sleeping on the warm placenta, sucking her thumb.  The 3D is something I had wanted to do with Adrian, but never got a chance.  Now at least I know I did it with Emma.  I think I will name her Emma, although I am still getting a feel for the name and the baby.

I am knitting a cozy wrap for her, will post pictures when done.  If anybody is a knitter, please recommend what type of yarn works best for babies: choices are acrylic, cotton, and wool.  I will be making a hat and mittens/booties next, then a sweater, and then some pants.

almost 17 weeks, lots of movement.

BabyH is moving a lot today.  She kicked me a couple of times quite hard, and one could feel little flickers of feet or knees just below my bellybutton.  She is so funny!  I started tormenting her by kicking back a bit, to see what she would do, and she moved to the other side of the uterus, probably pissed off with me.  I love it!  She is going to be so much fun, I just love a kid who gets upset and lets you know who's boss.  

The pregnancy is getting fun now, with the baby moving so much, and the nausea almost gone.  I am still nauseated, but no vomiting, and have gained already 6 lb in 3 weeks, which is quite a bit.  I have stopped eating deserts now.  I think a lot of it is water too, since my breasts just went up in size again.  I think by the end of this pregnancy I am going to have some serious jugs to deal with.  I am cutting back from work to half time only, which will give me more time to sleep, as I am frequently having to wake up and go to work in the middle of the night, on average once a week.  When I don't sleep, I notice more Braxton Hicks, and the same happens if I overwork, so it is really time to slow down.  

I have also spent a couple of nights battling with insomnia, of all things.  It seems that I either sleep too much, or not at all, and it is hard to predict which one is coming.  Two nights ago, I was making deodorant at 2 am.  If anyone wants to know the recipe, it consists of equal parts baking soda and cornstarch, mixed with a bit of coconut oil to make into a thick paste.  I don't have specific recipe quantities, but I think about 1/4 cup of each powder and 4-5 tbsp oil would work.  It is a very good deodorant, it works better than the one I got at the organic foods store (aluminum free).  Of course, aluminum deodorants work the best, but in pregnancy I try not to use them, just to be safe.  

I also had very dry skin this winter and could not put anything on it because I am phobic of chemicals when pregnant.  I worry about parabens, and cannot stand any fragrance at all.  So I made my own body cream, and it turned out perfect:  equal parts of oil (I used grapeseed and melted cacao butter) and water, plus about 10% by weight of beeswax.  I never measure, so I just eyeballed about one to two tbsp of beeswax that came off my candle the other week (I have beeswax candles and use the leftover wax for fun stuff like this), melted the wax in the oil component, and then used a handheld mixer to mix in the water.  It is a wonderful consistency, and my skin is finally not dry and itchy anymore.  

Lastly, I made beeswax lipbalm:  equal parts of beeswax and coconut oil, melt together in a small container and pour it into something that will be your final container, let it cool, and enjoy.  I put a bit of honey in it too, and sometimes one can put red pigment in (like a bit of lipstick or some cheek colour powder) if desired, to make it into a coloured lipbalm. 

That is all for now.  I will let you guys know if I find any other good recipes.  

16w2d- where the sex is revealed

As you all know, I have been convinced that this baby is a boy from the very moment of embryo transfer.  I have borrowed a friend's portable ultrasound and stared at the genitals for the past two weeks often, waiting for the testicles to appear...but none did.  Finally I have asked my OB to have a look, and he did not see any either.  My boy has no testicles.  He apparently is a girl.  I was in shock for a few minutes, kind of disbelieving that my instincts have been so wrong, but truthfully I am very excited at the prospect of having a little girl.  I am very girly myself, and would love to dress a girl and let her hair grow long, teach her piano, have an official excuse to buy Barbies and teach her how to knit dresses for them, like I learned when I was small.  

Not to mention that MrH is such a ladies' man, it's not even funny.  The other day one of his clients came to see me since I had more openings (we work in the same office) and she brought her four year old daughter with her.  The four year old daughter brought two Barbie dolls for MrH, and she just about did not want to leave without showing the dolls to MrH.  That was so sweet, it made me smile the whole day. 

The little girl is moving a lot.  She started to have very obvious movements about one week ago, and now she moves every evening, so strongly that MrH can feel her from the outside.  With the ultrasound, one can see her sucking her thumbs, crossing her legs, hiccuping and jumping from one side to the other, kicking her legs out, and generally being so sweet that I want to eat her.  

So that's my big news.  The cervical measurements are pending for next week thursday.  With the little dinky ultrasound that my friend let me use though, the cervix looks long and closed still, but I cannot do proper measurements, so will have to wait.  I am toying with the idea of cutting back on work to half days only, as it seems that all I want to do lately is sleep, and I have had a lot of night time work that I found hard to recover from.