Monday, July 15, 2013

post IVF depression

I was not expecting that I feel so depressed after this cycle.  I went into the FET transfers thinking that they probably won't work, and so was not prepared for this dissapointment.  I think that the brief positive was a huge surge of happiness and then losing it was a big blow.

I don't know if it is the rollercoaster of emotions or if it is the fact that doing IVF again I feel taken back in time to the pre-Emma days, but I am envelopped by the same darkness that I was in back then.  The only difference is that now it does not last long, and that I can easily still get out of it and enjoy my days.  However, if there is nothing to do and I am bored, I revert to my worried, anxious, hypercalculating and hyperruminating mind. 

I don't know what my subconscious is plotting and scheming, but I am amazed by how easily I can be thrown off into depression again.  I knew that my mind was not the sturdy elephant that I was hoping it would be, but I was not expecting that I be so down, disoriented and worried again about life, the future, what to do, my next move, etc.

I am going to have the next transfer of the 4BC embryo (i.e. pretty crap) during this cycle coming up.  I am now CD 3.  Because my prior cycle was only 25 days long, I have requested some luteal support with progesterone this time.  I feel that I should have requested it with the prior cycle as well, but now it is too late to dwell on this. 

I miss my old fertility doctor, the one that got me pregnant so many times.  He has moved to a new fertility centre, and I am going to be moving there as well.  I just wanted to finish off the frozen transfers at the old centre where the embryos were, because to move the embryos is a bit of a logistic nightmare and costs 500$. 

During my visit to Vancouver for this upcoming transfer, I have booked an appointment for an antral follicle count.  I have just done the bloodwork for CD 3 that is required to see my FSH.  My hysteroscopy is pretty up to date.  If the frozen cycle in August does not work, I should be good to start a fresh cycle in September.  I am worried about that as well, but I am happy about a fresh cycle, as they did give me the best results so far.  Not to mention that the frozen embryos from nowadays are much better preserved than they were three years ago when I last had a fresh cycle.

Anyway, that's where I am at.  Caught between two clinics, a frozen cycle going on and a fresh cycle pending, anxious and worried, but still infinitely better and stronger than I have ever been going through fertility treatments before.  Secondary infertility is nowhere near the heart wrenching pain of primary infertility, for me and for now anyway.

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