Despite having this wonderful child who exceeded all my motherly expectations, I am still finding myself thinking like an infertile. I am still (due to work, and also due to the age group that I belong to) surrounded by pregnant women. The good news is that I now feel like I belong among women as a gender, and among humankind as a species. The bad news is that I am still having a hard time thinking about how long it is going to take me to get pregnant compared to other, normal people, and also feeling a bit worried about my health during a pregnancy, given that, um, I almost died last time. Last two times. I hemorrhaged both times, once badly, the second time almost fatally.
That being said, I still feel somewhat inferior to any other woman who can get pregnant naturally (and easily) and work or maintain a normal life during the pregnancy, then deliver and...not be scared shitless of dying while doing it. I crave normalcy. I want not to be quite so special for a change. But it is not possible. I am infertile. I have incompetent cervix. My uterus ruptured 360 degrees around the transabdominal cerclage, and is now weak all along that line. And, to top it off, I have some weird placental site involution disorder that nearly killed me last time.
Why me?
All these thoughts take my attention away from Emma, and that is the true tragedy. Reality has been good to me. I am still alive. But I am upset at myself for not being as happy as happy can be around my daughter, and not completely basking in the miracle that she is 24/7, without thinking about any other things that put me down and under.
I did not post anything on Mother's day because I am conflicted. On my very first Mother's Day with a live baby, I would have liked to say how happy and blessed I feel about having Emma in my life, but at the same time how I felt that pain and shame of not being a mother for so long...almost like it still was reality. I have a hard time letting go of my infertile self...I have a hard time forgiving myself for being imperfect in all these ways...and I definitely have a hard time embracing my courage and persistence, and basking in my success/good luck...
In other words, I still need to blog.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
9 months today
Emma is 9 months old today! In honour of her anniversary, both MrH and I ate way too much chicken. I bought a Hutterite chicken (Hutterites are like the Amish, all I really know about them is that they keep to themselves, they are very unlikely to read my blog, and they raise very good free range chicken, which I periodically cook in the oven impaled on a diet coke can that I drink on my way from the butcher shop). Today I was too tired to even find an empty can, so I gave the chicken a quick shower in the sink, I dried it up with a fluffy towel for comfort of baking, applied salt and pepper to the armpits, and plopped it in the oven at 400 F lying on a cookie sheet. I forgot about her. I was actually too tired to go check on her until about 1.5 h later, when I found her sooo crispy and delicious that I kept on eating the skin. I must have eaten the skin off the entire 5 lb chicken, because I am quite sure MrH did not eat chicken skin (his cholesterol would ooze out of his ears if he did) and the chicken is quite positively denuded.
I am sick with chicken-skin-itis. Or something. I feel like I am going to poop a puddle of oil tomorrow.
Now, onto Emma's latest cute achievements. She can officially stand up and fall on her padded bum and stand up again and fall again exactly seven times in one minute. I have timed it. The amazing thing is that she does not stop after one minute. She can go on and on. I thought doing five sets of 15 jump squats is a lot, but if I tried to keep up with my kid, I would be feeling like an old woman.
The cutest thing she is doing lately: when we sit at the table to eat dinner, she grabs both my hand and MrH's hand and waits for us to pray. We usually pray holding hands, and include her in the circle, and it is so cute when she initiates the hand holding, knowing that we are about to pray before dinner. Divine! This child of mine makes me want to kiss her all day long.
I am sick with chicken-skin-itis. Or something. I feel like I am going to poop a puddle of oil tomorrow.
Now, onto Emma's latest cute achievements. She can officially stand up and fall on her padded bum and stand up again and fall again exactly seven times in one minute. I have timed it. The amazing thing is that she does not stop after one minute. She can go on and on. I thought doing five sets of 15 jump squats is a lot, but if I tried to keep up with my kid, I would be feeling like an old woman.
The cutest thing she is doing lately: when we sit at the table to eat dinner, she grabs both my hand and MrH's hand and waits for us to pray. We usually pray holding hands, and include her in the circle, and it is so cute when she initiates the hand holding, knowing that we are about to pray before dinner. Divine! This child of mine makes me want to kiss her all day long.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
What I am up to
When I got married, I had a limited budget, and instead of spending it on the actual wedding... or dress... I spent it on a personal trainer. At 50$ a session, two sessions a week, she kicked my butt into probably the strongest, best shape of my life. And I have been fit most of my life.
It was expensive though... and now I am working part time, and don't have the money or the time to go to the gym and do it again. However, being fit is part of who I am (or have been so far, ahem), and I would like to go back there again. This is why I have decided that I will become very fit again, just like I was when working out with the personal trainer, but on a do-it-yourself budget sort of way. The goals of this new challenge are:
1. to get into a shape that I consider to be quite fit, comparable to the shape I was in back then
2. to do it without spending any money, or at most say under 10 dollars a week (a class here in town costs about 8-12 dollars, so I thought I would allow for one class here and there for variety and flavour) on some weeks.
3. to do it without taking much time away from Emma, say at most 1-2 hours a week.
I might reconsider some of these points and compromise. I might find that it is too boring to work out at home by myself and consider joining a class more than just once a week. Or I might find that I really need the exercise equipment at the gym, and just can't do it in the living room. But most likely I will succeed. I have enough "exercise education" by now, after all the years of taking classes and reading books and watching youtube videos, to put together some workouts, or to choose from some workouts designed by others, online.
The challenge is going to be to keep up the intensity without anybody monitoring me. In order to help myself with it, I am going to put aside 50$ every time I work out at the same intensity as I would have had I had a trainer at the gym. And, at the end of the month, the 50$ is going for a good cause. Like shoes (kidding). I don't know if I am actually going to spend the money, or just keep track of how much money I have saved by doing it myself in order to feel smug.
Feeling smug it's all that it is about. Having a six-pack on top of it all is sooooo divine.
It was expensive though... and now I am working part time, and don't have the money or the time to go to the gym and do it again. However, being fit is part of who I am (or have been so far, ahem), and I would like to go back there again. This is why I have decided that I will become very fit again, just like I was when working out with the personal trainer, but on a do-it-yourself budget sort of way. The goals of this new challenge are:
1. to get into a shape that I consider to be quite fit, comparable to the shape I was in back then
2. to do it without spending any money, or at most say under 10 dollars a week (a class here in town costs about 8-12 dollars, so I thought I would allow for one class here and there for variety and flavour) on some weeks.
3. to do it without taking much time away from Emma, say at most 1-2 hours a week.
I might reconsider some of these points and compromise. I might find that it is too boring to work out at home by myself and consider joining a class more than just once a week. Or I might find that I really need the exercise equipment at the gym, and just can't do it in the living room. But most likely I will succeed. I have enough "exercise education" by now, after all the years of taking classes and reading books and watching youtube videos, to put together some workouts, or to choose from some workouts designed by others, online.
The challenge is going to be to keep up the intensity without anybody monitoring me. In order to help myself with it, I am going to put aside 50$ every time I work out at the same intensity as I would have had I had a trainer at the gym. And, at the end of the month, the 50$ is going for a good cause. Like shoes (kidding). I don't know if I am actually going to spend the money, or just keep track of how much money I have saved by doing it myself in order to feel smug.
Feeling smug it's all that it is about. Having a six-pack on top of it all is sooooo divine.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Emma's mom lost her mind
Emma is still sick, now she is wheezing and I am giving her the occasional ventolin (salbutamol) puff when she sounds like she swallowed a little bird. She is getting better (I hope) but at a very slow pace, and she hates it when I wipe her nose. Hates it with a passion. She wails so loud that I prefer to let the boogers drip into her mouth rather than have to listen to the wailing. I want to be the cool mom, hygiene can go out the window.
Speaking of hygiene though, I am still busy cleaning every square inch of the floor with the toothbrush. She is licking every square inch of the floor, so it only makes sense. Today I left her without her diaper on because she has a small diaper rash, and next thing I know she is playing with her hands in a puddle of urine, spreading it across the floor in a "wipe on, wipe off" kind of Karate kid motion. MrH noticed that she was trying to lap it up with her tongue, and I guess that is when we finally decided to intervene. Most of all, we like to let our kid roam free :) I should post the video of her pulling flocks of hair off the cat and putting them in her mouth.
No, seriously, what is the grossest thing your kid ever did? if you did not have kids, what is the grossest thing you did as a kid?
Changing her diaper is a wrestling match, in which mom has to pin Emma to the mat (mom-fifteen, Emma-zero), then Emma wriggles her way out as mom is busy putting the diaper under her (fifteen-love), then mom grabs Emma by her left foot and twists her with the back to the mat (mom-thirty, Emma -fifteen), then Emma screams bloody murder (thirty-love) while mom fastens the diaper (mom-fourty, Emma-thirty) and, if things go really well and all the stars are aligned, puts Emma's pants on as well (game point won). The other day though, she won an entire set by wiggling her way out of a poopy diaper on the bed, spreading the poop all over the newly changed (!!!) white sheets. Everybody got disinfected in the shower, including the cat.
And so we go on. Busy, busy life. I am not complaining though. I mean, it's not like I actually NEED to pee alone or anything. Never mind the fact that breakfast, lunch and dinner are optional meals. (I am exaggerating. We do eat dinner in my family. Everything else is grab-what-you-can style). This morning I woke up at six o'clock sharp with Emma thumping on my face and yelling "dadada". "Da"in Romanian means "yes". So NOT what I was thinking just around that time however.
The highlight of my complete breakdown as a person was not missing my car tire change appointment yesterday at 9 (and rushing in today at 9 thinking that today was yesterday), but missing my laser hair removal appointment, also scheduled for yesterday at 7 pm, and going in today AGAIN thinking that it was yesterday. If this makes any sense to anybody. I also lost all my phone numbers while doing the latest iphone update, so calling to confirm was difficult at best, but of course it is no excuse for the fact that I don't know what day it is, what planet I live on or what my role in life used to be. The only thing I know right now is pretty obvious: I am Emma's mom.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
tonsillitis
Emma is sick with tonsillitis, and I am also feeling under the weather. Today I have stayed home and we both cuddled in bed. She was so irritable that I did not even have a chance to realize that I am very thirsty, and did not eat or drink almost anything until this evening. For the past few days, due to her being irritable, I lost 2 or 3 lb more. I am so in love with her though that all I need is to look at the fine wisps of hair at the back of her little head and I just forget how tired I am. I want to cuddle and hug her all day long. This is all the time I get for posting tonight, as she is awake again and wanting more boob.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
spring cleaning
I realize I have been away from the blog for almost THREE weeks!!! that is the longest yet perhaps. But I have been busy with spring cleaning. Spring cleaning is something that I do in most years, that is when I am not pregnant or depressed (usually depressed because I am not pregnant). During my years of normal, happy self, I have lots of energy (manic, anyone?) and clean, clean, clean.
I can safely say I have outdone my cleaning lady. Her measly once a week cleaning doesn't hold a candle to the tornado that I have become.
Tonight for instance I have replaced my boots and winter shoes collection that I keep by the door with my summer shoe collection (or part of). This called for cleaning all the winter boots (this winter I have mainly used Uggs) and putting them in the labelled boxes, then getting the summer shoes out of their boxes, applying lotions and potions to the leather, shining them, and carrying them up and down the stairs. It might sound like a small task, but remember I have had many years of infertility, hence many years of disposable income and hurt feelings easily assuaged by buying shoes :) and shoes last, and last... so this year I have decided not to bother bringing all of my summer shoes downstairs, and not even trying to wear them all this summer, but rather settling for 70% or so of my collection. Whoever is curious, I have four pairs of ankle boots, two pairs of ballerina flats, four pairs of Mary Jane style but with a respectable heel, five pairs of kitten heels, two pairs of Oxfords, and two pairs of loafers. Also, three pairs of running shoes/walking shoes that look like running shoes. That is quite a lot to carry up and down the stairs. (Up the stairs to storage heaven went three pairs of Uggs, and five pairs of just below the knee boots).
I am the shoe queen.
I am also the cashmere sweater queen, as I have recently discovered. Spring is time to launder all the cashmere and put it away in a sealed box. Last summer I had freezer space, so I put all my cashmere in the deep freezer until the fall came. This summer, alas, I have bought a lamb and an eighth of a buffalo, so there went my freezer space (btw, I am no longer vegan, since I worry about Emma getting enough iron, so we eat meat twice a week now). My living room is strewn about with the white cashmere, tomorrow it is time for the black and coloured.
I am feeling very old fashioned and organized. I like it. I am getting some inspiration from an interesting book called Home Comforts, which preaches very detailed ways to do just about everything, including how to make the bed hospital-style. Have skipped that one. I am inspired to be a better housekeeper since I have a crawling baby on the floors.
Emma is crawling and cruising very well. She is all over the house, including opening cupboards, following me around, and wanting to be helped up to walk at all possible moments. She can almost pull to stand, in the next week she will do it. She no longer squirms when we change her diaper, but rather waits patiently. She bit my boob a couple of times with her two bottom teeth, but understood quite well that it is not acceptable practice when I showed her that it hurt me and I looked upset and determined. She eats with her own hands all sorts of fruits and vegetables, and also is wanting to use the spoon more and more. She is learning how to drink from a cup without choking on the liquids or getting them all over me. She is just over eight months.
I am going to have to figure out how to post some pictures. I used to have an email address to which I would send them and they would show up on the blog, but I forgot what it was, so I will have to load them up myself.
I am going to update more often now as the bulk of my spring cleaning is done.
Cheers!
I can safely say I have outdone my cleaning lady. Her measly once a week cleaning doesn't hold a candle to the tornado that I have become.
Tonight for instance I have replaced my boots and winter shoes collection that I keep by the door with my summer shoe collection (or part of). This called for cleaning all the winter boots (this winter I have mainly used Uggs) and putting them in the labelled boxes, then getting the summer shoes out of their boxes, applying lotions and potions to the leather, shining them, and carrying them up and down the stairs. It might sound like a small task, but remember I have had many years of infertility, hence many years of disposable income and hurt feelings easily assuaged by buying shoes :) and shoes last, and last... so this year I have decided not to bother bringing all of my summer shoes downstairs, and not even trying to wear them all this summer, but rather settling for 70% or so of my collection. Whoever is curious, I have four pairs of ankle boots, two pairs of ballerina flats, four pairs of Mary Jane style but with a respectable heel, five pairs of kitten heels, two pairs of Oxfords, and two pairs of loafers. Also, three pairs of running shoes/walking shoes that look like running shoes. That is quite a lot to carry up and down the stairs. (Up the stairs to storage heaven went three pairs of Uggs, and five pairs of just below the knee boots).
I am the shoe queen.
I am also the cashmere sweater queen, as I have recently discovered. Spring is time to launder all the cashmere and put it away in a sealed box. Last summer I had freezer space, so I put all my cashmere in the deep freezer until the fall came. This summer, alas, I have bought a lamb and an eighth of a buffalo, so there went my freezer space (btw, I am no longer vegan, since I worry about Emma getting enough iron, so we eat meat twice a week now). My living room is strewn about with the white cashmere, tomorrow it is time for the black and coloured.
I am feeling very old fashioned and organized. I like it. I am getting some inspiration from an interesting book called Home Comforts, which preaches very detailed ways to do just about everything, including how to make the bed hospital-style. Have skipped that one. I am inspired to be a better housekeeper since I have a crawling baby on the floors.
Emma is crawling and cruising very well. She is all over the house, including opening cupboards, following me around, and wanting to be helped up to walk at all possible moments. She can almost pull to stand, in the next week she will do it. She no longer squirms when we change her diaper, but rather waits patiently. She bit my boob a couple of times with her two bottom teeth, but understood quite well that it is not acceptable practice when I showed her that it hurt me and I looked upset and determined. She eats with her own hands all sorts of fruits and vegetables, and also is wanting to use the spoon more and more. She is learning how to drink from a cup without choking on the liquids or getting them all over me. She is just over eight months.
I am going to have to figure out how to post some pictures. I used to have an email address to which I would send them and they would show up on the blog, but I forgot what it was, so I will have to load them up myself.
I am going to update more often now as the bulk of my spring cleaning is done.
Cheers!
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