Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Adrian's day

On January 2 of this year I contemplated the fact that it has now been two years since I lost my precious baby Adrian.  I am staying at my parents' house, and do not have much privacy, my husband is away, and I spent my private time thinking about Adrian without really sharing it with anybody.  I thought about his little body, how sweet it was, even in death, even limp and without movement, how his skin was so soft and still warm from my body.  I think about that often.  Over the past two days, I started wondering if maybe it was not him that saved me when I nearly died.  I wonder if our babies in heaven do not become our guardian angels, and perhaps somehow intervene on our behalf when things get rough.  I feel like after losing him I have had a lot of points in my life where things could have gone badly, but they did not, leaving me wondering if it wasn't that somehow Adrian had something to do with it.  Like nearly dying but at the last moment stopping bleeding and recovering so fast from the brink of death.

Is it possible that he is now my guardian angel?  do any of you guys think this way about your babies?

On a second note, I gave my blog page to a childhood friend from Europe and she told me that she is not interested in reading it because she does not understand how people can write such private things on such a public space.  I have had this particular criticism often, especially initially when I first started writing.  I thought I had worked through my own doubts, but sometimes comments like this still get to me.  I don't write anything here that I do not feel ok sharing with the world.  My struggles, although private, are very much the same as other women's struggles, and I feel that in writing about my thoughts and how I deal (or not deal) with my issues can help others feel less alone, maybe even get ideas.  I also write for myself, as if it were not for this blog, a lot of events would go undocumented.  I would simply not write a private diary, I am too lazy to do that.  I have had nothing but pleasure from sharing with you ladies, and have felt a part of this online community for years now.  I have never regretted it.  Why do you, my childhood friend, now criticize me and try to make me feel inadequate and wrong?  Is it rather that you are not reading my blog because it bores you, given that you have never been interested in having children and cannot relate to my struggles, and rather than admitting the truth you think this other reason will make me feel better?  Is it that it is too hard to read in English and rather than cracking open a dictionary you found this excuse?  Who knows.  Why don't people mind their own business and stop telling everyone else how they should live is beyond me.

Back to the good news:  I have lost another two pounds (that I had gained over the holidays) and I am shooting for 145 lb, which is quite skinny for me.  That means another 24 lb to go.  21 lb down so far.  I will be thin in by March.  I am so psyched up that I am running daily now, and not deviating much from my healthy diet anymore.  I feel like if I could make Emma happen, I can do this too.  Yepeeee!

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