Saturday, December 31, 2011
A Happy New Year!
Equally important, being now a mother and hence starting to direct a whole family in the emotional direction that I see fit, I realize what a huge responsibility this is. A father provides safety and security, but I get the distinct feeling that in my family I provide the emotional temperature. Hence a happy mother equals a happy daughter and a happy husband. Just like I was writing earlier, if I feel celebratory around a holiday, the whole family celebrates. If I don't, well nobody else notices Christmas either. And many other such things. I am the thermostat.
Ultimately, an even bigger goal is to start integrating myself even more in society. I have been a recluse (other than the bit about my job being very social, where I could not escape being integrated into my own societal slot), but overall once I had Emma (and stopped looking at everybody else with children as if they were from another planet), I now feel like a rightful member of society as well. I swear I didn't before. However strange this might sound, but being denied children made me feel as if the world did not want me to be here, and definitely not to reproduce, and hence I felt like I did not want to belong either, or even less so to give back to anybody anything. Now, I feel so full and blessed that I am spilling... without wanting to I talk to strangers, I am kinder to people, I am animated and full of life, and I consequently have no problem meeting new persons and making friends. As such, with gradually more time and as soon as I recover from the financial disaster called being off work for almost a year, I want to give more to society, more of myself, more in the form of donations, more in the form of emotional availability aka giving more of a rat's a$$.
That being said, I sign off for 2011 thanking everybody who ever commented on my blog: Thank you for making me feel heard. And a thank you to everybody who read my blog: you made this blog possible with your presence. All my readers so far have been kind, well intentioned people who either care about me or struggle with the same issues, and I feel a great deal of love for you guys. May the New Year be kind to all of us!