catch-up

Don't expect some brilliant writing here, I am just going to ramble.

I apologize for my extended absence off this blog, I was away in Vancouver taking a course in aesthetic medicine.  That means Botox and fillers (the stuff that you use to make lips bigger, and to fill in lines on the face).  This was a lot of fun!  I wanted to take the Botox course for years, but never had the time, and now with my mom babysitting Emma, I was able to do it.  I have used Botox injections for over ten years now for my TMJ pain and migraines, and I love the fact that my frown lines have also disappeared.  However, it is expensive when I go to someone else to get it done, and after taking the course I now can inject myself at cost (ho ho ho) and anybody else who crosses my path.  Like my mom.  Or my husband.  And all my friends.  And the cat.  The parrots are safe although tempting.

Emma is doing really well.  Growing, growing...she is now four and a half months old, and is wearing six month outfits which are beginning to get a little tight.  She can roll front to back, and sit with support.  She babbles a lot, and makes sounds that show a lot of enthusiasm with life (yehee, and yahooo).  She is a mountain of joy and fun for me.  I cannot believe how much happiness she has brought into my life.  Although I firmly believe that infertility can be resolved with peace and resignation, and filling one's life with other pursuits, I cannot see myself equally happy doing something else without her.  I just can't.

I think very often of Adrian, of what he has missed in life, of how he is my little guardian angel, and Emma's too, and MrH's as well.  I think of what he has done for us in his little life:  made Emma's birth possible (thorough him I found out about the incompetent cervix and had the cerclage), made me want to live more fully, with more courage, and a more fulfilling life, in order to somehow fill out his empty shoes.  I think about how his body was limp and I could see his long, fine, soft neck that I like to kiss on Emma, that I would have kissed on him.  Then I remember that I have Emma to hug and I do it for both of them.  I don't feel empty anymore, just sad at times, but never empty.

Emma scratched her cornea yesterday by poking her eye with her thumb in an overly enthusiastic movement.  She was grumpy and cranky the whole day.  The day before she touched a hot pot and burned a bit, but did not blister.  Because she is older, she gets upset more easily and cries angrily, and it takes a lot more effort to distract her.  Both times, seeing her in pain made me nauseous and weak at the knees.  I hate it that pain has to be part of her life, but thinking of the opposite, the children who cannot feel pain and end up with limb amputations because of injuries that they do not feel, that lead to infections as deep as the bone that also go unnoticed, I can only thank God for her ability to feel pain.  I still hate it and wish I could feel it instead of her.

As for the weight and fitness part:  I have lost a further 5 lb since my last blog post, I am now 169 lb (started at 190 lb and end goal 155 lb).  In another five lb I will be able to fit in all of my pre-pregnancy clothes, and then it will be time to evaluate whether I want to keep losing or whether it is enough.  The scales are different, remember how I broke my previous scale when I stood on it at the height of my third trimester (yep, the scale CRACKED!) and I know for a fact that this scale shows more weight, probably by 3-5 lb, so 155 lb on the old scale would be 160 lb on this one.  That is why 160 lb might be enough.  I don't want to be too skinny for my old clothes, although probably the too skinny look only happens when one is more than 10 lb below usual weight.  The clothes are the actual goal, since I have a nice wardrobe and would like to keep it.  I also happen to be poor since I have been on mat leave for so long, so no money for another wardrobe anytime soon.

I am starting work Jan 23.  I am not excited about it.  I feel like it is too soon, but at the same time I feel that I need to make some money pronto, and go back to my practice.  It has to be done.  Four hours per day will be ok.