Every day I am afraid that Emma might die. Every single day. I try to reason with myself, but there are not arguments that help: yes, SIDS is relatively rare, but so was the incompetent cervix that killed Adrian. Yes, two bad things are less likely to happen than just one bad thing, but I thought that after having infertility and having to do IVF I had enough of the bad thing. Then the incompetent cervix happened, and I lost Adrian, and I was convinced that I should be safe from harm for a long time. And then I nearly died from the delayed post partum hemorrhage, another bloody rare complication that happened to us. So why not more? Is there an end?
I sleep next to her, with my face right next to her face, so that I can feel her breathing at all times. If she takes a nap, I usually like to be next to her as well. I don't let her be by herself almost at all, although there are times when I rely on the baby monitor to tell me when she wakes up and I go downstairs, make myself a cup of coffee, and write on my blog. Like now. Without her. All the while hoping that I won't go upstairs when I am finished to find her blue and lifeless.
MrH is fairly certain that it won't happen, that she is a strong baby that has no health issues. But I have read enough blogs to know that it happens to strong healthy babies. I should stop reading SIDS blogs, but it is part of my blogging community, and I feel that in supporting each other we get better at handling grief, and hence I am not going to stop. Besides, the fear is my issue and mine alone, it is not caused by reading other people's stories, quite the opposite: I read other people's stories because of my fear.
Lately I have started wondering about the purpose of this fear. Could it be that in finding her alive and well every single day, multiple times a day, I get a jolt of happiness and relief? Could that be the contrast that my mind is seeking? Am I geared towards living life on a rollercoaster, and hence a period of relative calmness and well-being is too boring, too predictable, and I need to create some drama with my mind? ... you get the picture... The one thing that is for sure in my wild ride so far: the things that have happened to me have, without exception, been UNEXPECTED. I could not have predicted or thought out a single one of them. So is it that thinking about SIDS keeps it away? of course not. But my subconscious is a bovine place that does not know these things, hence it will do what it does best: illogical things.
Anyway, I was wondering if you guys also worry about SIDS, mainly those of you who had your babies after a long struggle, those of you who lost babies before. Even those of you who lost babies to SIDS, do you realize that the likelihood of it happening again is extremely low, and despite that do you worry anyway? How do you cope with the worry? Do you worry about the worry changing your relationship with your child, making you more protective, more paranoid?