I have taken a nice bath with both my kids, and relaxed for a while. I feel so blessed and thankful to have this opportunity to enjoy my family. I feel very, very fulfilled at this point in my life. I sometimes want time to stand still so that I can enjoy it a bit longer. I think that is why I like to take pictures, and I have a nice collection of photos so far. I feel that taking pictures captures the moment a little.
I have also started to write a diary, which initially was meant for my children to read when they grow up, hence it would have been written in second person. However, I enjoy the diary format the most, hence I started writing it (once again) for myself, about them and about mothering them, and also about my own experience of being the child of my parents. Other than the fact that I have picked out a notebook that is too short and fat for my liking (my hand keeps on slipping off the right side, if that makes sense), the diary is a very rewarding way to spend my time at night.
I remember many years when Mother's day was nothing but a giant festering abscess in my heart, and I am very glad to be out of that situation, but don't for one moment think that I have forgotten that pain. It takes only one second to remember the first Mother's day after losing Adrian, and the feelings that I had while running into this colleague of mine who had had three children by then, seemingly without much fuss or trouble. I am now like that lady to those people who are still struggling. Sort of. From the outside. From the inside, I am both the festering abscess and the very fulfilled and lucky woman with a full family. It takes only a split second to be who you were in the past. If only it took as little effort to be that person that you will become in the future. Too bad it does not work that way.
I think eventually I would have resolved the pain somehow. I don't know how exactly, but I remember that I was starting to become numb to it at certain moments. I also remember that nature-the sound of birds chirping, a warm summer morning, a peaceful night sky, the waves lapping on the beach, a busy spider casting a net off the evergreen branch above my head- was enormously healing. And of course the love of a good man, like the one I am married to, was my main stronghold.
I am just mentioning these things in case somebody out there can use the ideas today.
As for myself, I have to go wipe the yogourt off the walls. Emma has just finished breakfast.
Happy Mother's Day ! ;)