So much love

I cannot believe how much I love Emma... I want to stare at her and kiss her scrunchy face the whole day.  In particular I want to kiss her mouth when she screams like a lunatic.  It is so sweet.  She has increased periods of quiet alertness, looking around with her big soulful eyes, and today she grabbed my nose twice and I think she wanted to put it in her mouth.  She is starting to reach for things, and I have the feeling that her arm movements are becoming more purposeful.  She looks into MrH's face, and into mine when breastfeeding, and we feel like we are melting.  The best way to summarize this is that it's much much better than I thought it would be.

I don't ever leave her alone because she does not like it, and at this point in her life I don't see the purpose in doing things that she does not like.  This means that my day goes something like this:  wake up at around 7 or 8 (today at 10, I got spoiled) when Emma starts making I-want-boob sounds, feed her while wondering how and when I will get to pee, decide to go pee while breastfeeding her despite how gross and unnatural this sounds like, then on and off feed her for about one hour.  Ideally I feed her on one side, and pump on the other side, to have some pumped milk just in case the evening meal is not enough (I have a lot of milk in the morning, and less at night).  The best pumping session so far with the home Medela-mini has produced only one ounce, so I am waiting for a better pump to arrive in the mail, in the meantime struggling with the mini which is probably fine for someone with abundant milk, but not  very easy for me to use.  While feeding her with one hand and pumping with the other hand, I also try to eat breakfast with my third hand, and drink coffee with the fourth.  After we both get fed, I pass her along to my mom and have a quick shower and do my make-up and hair.  What will happen once my mom leaves this coming week is anybody's guess, but I am hoping to be able to shower in the morning before MrH goes to work, or if that fails then at night.  I can always do my makeup and hair with her in the sling once she falls asleep.

Then, once I showered, I wash her in the sink.  She enjoys her morning bath, and only cries once I dry her and try to dress her.  She does not like getting dressed.  (Undressed is totally fine).  So I stopped dressing her after her bath, I just slap a diaper on (we use g diapers, a type of cloth diapers, with cloth inserts made by baby.love, a company in Alberta) and then breastfeed her again while we are both naked, she loves the skin to skin contact.  Finally though, I manage to dress her and feed her again, this time while she is in the sling, so that once she falls asleep I can do some stuff with both hands, like make the bed and do the laundry.  So far I have not had to cook yet, but I will once mom leaves, and I am planning on cooking twice a week, once on the weekend when MrH is around to hold Emma, and once during the week, probably on a Tuesday, and probably a whole lotta beans and rice.

She sleeps for three hours in the afternoon, and I often take her out during this time.  We go for a walk in the stroller, but she wakes up frequently and wants to feed, so I end up pushing the empty stroller with one hand, while breastfeeding with the other (football hold rocks!).  If we had a rough night, we both take a nap though, and she sleeps quite well.  She usually wakes up cranky and we spend the evening trying to soothe her, usually by swaddling and constantly feeding/soothing on the breast, and if that does not work then we throw in bouncing on the medicine ball at the same time.  She is starting to take a soother, for little short periods, but that is definitely a success, and I need to keep going, as she only soothes on the breast and that is stressful for anybody other than myself who has no boobs to soothe her with.  Then, from nine pm onwards she sleeps for a good five and even six hours, cuddled in bed with me, warm and comfy, and for the rest of the night she wakes up briefly and feeds with us both lying down, then goes to sleep again.  Only once through the night I get up to change her, and to give her a feed where I am sure that she has eaten well (if I feed lying down, then I fall asleep and can't supervise her properly).

Overall we do pretty well, but she is constantly on the breast, and that means that there is not a single person in my town who has not seen my boobs yet.  I don't use a nursing cover since I would have to walk with one around my neck all the time.  It just would not be practical.  I even have a hard time wearing a BF bra, since I have to open and close it thirty times a day.  The easiest is to wear the Lillypadz and a nursing top, or just the nursing top.  Next thing I am going to buy Birkenstocks and grow my hair in dreadlocks, all while wearing long floral skirts.