Saturday, September 17, 2011

Feelin' lucky?

She has caught up in growth tremendously, being again on the 50th percentile for weight, where she started off.  I have not measured her height yet, but she has already outgrown all of her newborn pants, and is now into the 0-3 month stuff, closer to 3 than to 0.  Since I have started supplementing every feed she is content, alert, and smiles often.  Today she smiled for a full minute at her daddy (she smiles at him much more often than at mommy, 'cause she's daddy's girl, although she melts into my arms so lovely that I still feel special :).   She needs only one feed through the night, usually at 3-4 am, and sleeps well in between feeds.

Today she has discovered her right hand, studying it carefully, putting it in her mouth (sometimes missing the mouth) and trying to touch daddy's face with it.  It is quite a different movement than the uncoordinated flailing newborn movements, this is much more studied and calculated.  The most amazing part though is her attention span, it is longer than mine!  She looks at our faces and listens intently for a lot longer than I would, even at my age.  But the best part is her toothless smile, which makes me melt into a puddle at her feet.  She is amazing.  I cannot believe that I have carried this child, she is so amazing that I don't feel deserving of her, but am grateful to have her nevertheless.  I feel like I have won the lottery.

Which is why I find it weird that people still tell me that I am unlucky, referring to all of the things that have gone wrong for me, reproductively speaking and otherwise (the unexplained post op pneumomediastinum after the laparoscopy, the incompetent cervix, the stillborn child, the cerclage that went through the uterine wall, the incisions that won't heal or get infected, and the near death experience with the hemorrhage, due to yet another unrelated complication, the subinvolution of the placental site, and now the possible Sheehan syndrome from the bleed).  That was just a brief summary.  And still... am I really unlucky to have gone through these things, or am I enormously lucky to have escaped at the other end with my life, my uterus and especially with such a beautiful, healthy and amazing daughter?  People see me as unlucky, and one person even told me not to ever play the lottery (I don't anyway, but I probably should...)

My milk supply is staying at 1 oz per feeding, and I don't have much hope for it ever returning.  I am so happy with the SNS system though, it allows me to breastfeed until she is full even though I only have a bit of my own milk, I just sneak in the tube when there is no more milk coming from me (with experience you get to recognize it, she gets frustrated and the suck/swallow ratio increases).  She also feels safe at my breast and loves it.  She is very comfortable with my body, just melting into me, while with other people she arches or stiffens.  She is also getting very comfortable with her daddy, which is also nice to see.

I wanted to make a post about baby paraphenalia, and I will do that next.  I have a minimalist approach to baby stuff, and hence I don't have many things.  It might not even make for a post longer than one paragraph.  I also want to make a post about my approach to weight loss, since I have about 25 lb left to lose.  But all I want to do is to talk about Emma, so I never get around to these things... hehehe...

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