My miniature daughter is settling in again. She cried heartily last night, and was very fussy the whole day yesterday, to the point that I became worried that I would never shower/floss/get dressed again. I can do things with one hand while breastfeeding football style at the same time quite well. And she likes to latch and stay on the breast non stop when she is hungry or cranky. Both of which adjectives applied to her yesterday though, as my milk was still in pretty poor supply after my bleeding episode, and it took a while to build it back up. For the record, I am taking motilium (domperidone) which has never been approved for this usage (breast milk augmentation) but who cares, it works, and it has no side effects in me (it's supposed to cause diarrhea, but with all the iron pills I am taking, it balances out nicely).
Anyway, after a day like yesterday I was a bit worried about the future of my personal hygiene and also about what kind of food can I cook with one hand, I mean one cannot even open a can of tuna with one hand only. I was ready to google "how to go through life using just one hand" and join some one-handed support groups out there. Then, miraculously, Emma slept well last night (six hours straight), ate very well the whole day, my milk came in abundantly again, and she is a different child. She feeds, then she sleeps, we can go for a long walk in the stroller and there is minimal fussing. I even sorted out my cashmere sweaters today (with both hands!) and took them out of the freezer where I store them in summer, so that the moths don't get them. Winter is coming up here in the North :(
So that is when I discovered that she is not a fussy child at all, she is just not full enough, and if I don't have enough milk she will cry and tug at my breast like a little kitten until she gets full. I think it is an instinctual way of stimulating me to produce more prolactin, and hence more milk. I am so happy when I hear her little gulping sounds, there is nothing that relaxes me more.
I am less of a formula nazi but I still avoid it like the plague if I can. It constipates her, and gives her cramps, and it made her skin break out during the two days that I was in ICU and then recovering on the ward without her. On the plus side, it is so quick to feed her a bottle, OMG she gulps it down in three seconds flat and doesn't even burp! I can totally see the attraction of bottle feeding, especially formula which does not require pumping and takes one second to prepare. And then keeps her full for hours afterwards.
That being said, it is so sweet to see her sleep at night with her head between my breasts, and to wake up to her kitten face and lip smacking sounds, then to feed her half asleep and to snooze while feeling her tugging at my nipple. The closeness is unbeatable. Last night she once again latched on by herself, and I woke up because my nipple was hurting. I was ready to say to MrH to "stop that, it hurts" thinking that he was up to no good, but then realized that my daughter had found my breast while I was sleeping and was helping herself to a snack. That was so funny and sweet at the same time.
Life is getting back to normal. And I am happy to report that I have flossed tonight.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
living with courage
We are home at last! Emma is struggling to get full from my breast, and she is sucking almost non stop. I had a luxurious 5 minute break from her today when I could finally take a shower and put some clothes on, otherwise I spend my whole day and night continuously breastfeeding her. She is 99% of the time just sleeping with the boob in her mouth, occasionally chewing on it. I think she needs it for comfort and I cannot deny it to her, it breaks my heart to know that she was without her mommy for two days, and that she almost lost me.
This is a scary thought: I almost died. I am lucky to be alive. I look at my little girl and think of how her life would have been without her mother, and I feel so sad. I know that she would have had many good people loving her, especially her father, and that she would have been wonderfully taken care of. I know that she would grow up to be a quality person if that is in her, and with all my motherly instincts I feel that she is kind and loving and sweet-natured, and seems to be very smart. I am happy to die giving life to her, but nevertheless I feel so sad thinking that she should grow up without this deep bond that we are sharing.
I also feel very sad thinking of MrH having to lose me as well. The man has lost so many people in his life already, it would have been so cruel for him to lose his wife and best friend, especially now when it looked like we had a little break from trauma and worry and were finally relaxing and sleeping well at night. We were starting to feel safe. It will take a couple more weeks to get back there, I think, but we'll get there again.
I keep thinking about all the women who die from pregnancy and post partum causes, one per second in the world. About how dangerous this baby-making business really is, despite the fact that in my neck of the woods, complications are rare and uneventful deliveries are the norm. I phoned my retired OB and discussed this whole story with him, and he asked me "why risk your life again" when I mentioned another pregnancy. However, the risk of this kind of hemorrhage happening again is low, and if there is one decision that I have made after losing Adrian is that I would NEVER live my life in fear. (That is when I finally allowed MrH to buy a motorcycle, and we had lots of fun riding it. He still does).
Living life out of a fear place, out of a cautious place, will lead to living less than one is fully capable of. I do not want Emma to know that her mother has not tried to fulfill her dreams because she was afraid of dying. And she will know. I want her to live with the example of two parents who go for what they want, even when doing so is bloody scary (no pun intended).
I spoke with my OB in Vancouver as well, and he said that what happened is rare and unlikely to repeat, hence he did encourage me to go for another pregnancy if I want to. That is reassuring. Of course, there is a risk of further infertility due to Asherman's syndrome (a consequence of post partum D&C), but I choose to believe that I got to keep my uterus so that I can have another baby. Otherwise what would have been the point?
Emma, if you ever read this blog when you are older, first of all get a life, what are you doing reading my ramblings? Just kidding. I just want you to know you are worth EVERYTHING to me, that I would do it again in a heartbeat to have you. This road has been all my choice. And I would like you to live with courage, and make your own choices always out of hope, not out of fear. But you are NOT allowed to ride your father's motorcycle!
This is a scary thought: I almost died. I am lucky to be alive. I look at my little girl and think of how her life would have been without her mother, and I feel so sad. I know that she would have had many good people loving her, especially her father, and that she would have been wonderfully taken care of. I know that she would grow up to be a quality person if that is in her, and with all my motherly instincts I feel that she is kind and loving and sweet-natured, and seems to be very smart. I am happy to die giving life to her, but nevertheless I feel so sad thinking that she should grow up without this deep bond that we are sharing.
I also feel very sad thinking of MrH having to lose me as well. The man has lost so many people in his life already, it would have been so cruel for him to lose his wife and best friend, especially now when it looked like we had a little break from trauma and worry and were finally relaxing and sleeping well at night. We were starting to feel safe. It will take a couple more weeks to get back there, I think, but we'll get there again.
I keep thinking about all the women who die from pregnancy and post partum causes, one per second in the world. About how dangerous this baby-making business really is, despite the fact that in my neck of the woods, complications are rare and uneventful deliveries are the norm. I phoned my retired OB and discussed this whole story with him, and he asked me "why risk your life again" when I mentioned another pregnancy. However, the risk of this kind of hemorrhage happening again is low, and if there is one decision that I have made after losing Adrian is that I would NEVER live my life in fear. (That is when I finally allowed MrH to buy a motorcycle, and we had lots of fun riding it. He still does).
Living life out of a fear place, out of a cautious place, will lead to living less than one is fully capable of. I do not want Emma to know that her mother has not tried to fulfill her dreams because she was afraid of dying. And she will know. I want her to live with the example of two parents who go for what they want, even when doing so is bloody scary (no pun intended).
I spoke with my OB in Vancouver as well, and he said that what happened is rare and unlikely to repeat, hence he did encourage me to go for another pregnancy if I want to. That is reassuring. Of course, there is a risk of further infertility due to Asherman's syndrome (a consequence of post partum D&C), but I choose to believe that I got to keep my uterus so that I can have another baby. Otherwise what would have been the point?
Emma, if you ever read this blog when you are older, first of all get a life, what are you doing reading my ramblings? Just kidding. I just want you to know you are worth EVERYTHING to me, that I would do it again in a heartbeat to have you. This road has been all my choice. And I would like you to live with courage, and make your own choices always out of hope, not out of fear. But you are NOT allowed to ride your father's motorcycle!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
discharge anxiety
I am deemed fixed and ready to go back tomorrow. The attending has kept me an extra day just in case. Today I had some increased serosanguinous discharge, but they assured me that it is to be expected, and that it will fluctuate for a bit, given that the uterus is not completely healed yet. I have been told to go to ER back in my home town if I bleed bright red. Good advice, as really I was planning on just putting my feet up and watching some Oprah in relaxed fashion if that happened.
So yeah, I am a bit worried about going home from the city of all possibilities, Edmonton (and in particular the City of the Uterine Artery Embolization), but I figure that if I were meant to die I would have died already. Perhaps it is not my time yet.
So yeah, I am a bit worried about going home from the city of all possibilities, Edmonton (and in particular the City of the Uterine Artery Embolization), but I figure that if I were meant to die I would have died already. Perhaps it is not my time yet.
bitches
From the Merck manual of veterinary medicine:
SIPS is abnormal repair of the endometrial placental sites. This disorder is most common in young bitches (<3 yr old) after whelping a first litter. Bitches with SIPS are normal except for hemorrhagic uterine discharge passing from the vulva for several weeks postpartum. Diagnosis is by exclusion; differentials include metritis, vaginitis, and cystitis. Treatment is supportive. Ovariohysterectomy is recommended for bitches that become anemic enough to require transfusion and for bitches not intended for future breeding.
SIPS is abnormal repair of the endometrial placental sites. This disorder is most common in young bitches (<3 yr old) after whelping a first litter. Bitches with SIPS are normal except for hemorrhagic uterine discharge passing from the vulva for several weeks postpartum. Diagnosis is by exclusion; differentials include metritis, vaginitis, and cystitis. Treatment is supportive. Ovariohysterectomy is recommended for bitches that become anemic enough to require transfusion and for bitches not intended for future breeding.
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