I am going back to work tomorrow, and I am having anxiety in all colours of the rainbow. Anxiety about leaving my kids, first of all, but also anxiety about the work itself. I hope I did not forget too much of what I know, because if I did, I might screw up and hurt somebody (I have the kind of job where I might easily do that). I hope also that my computer password finally starts to work at some point in the next few days, because so far it has been a hard road trying to log in, despite IT trying to fix it during several attempts on the phone (IT is remote). I am anxious about being anxious about my computer password, because HELLO, what crazy person has that kind of anxiety?...I also hope that the booking secretaries don't kill me in my first few days with too much on my plate. Finally, I hope that I still fit into my office clothes, because I have lived in lululemons (you know what those are) for the past year.
I am also undergoing a sudden shift in identity the moment I start to work again. I am no longer a mom that is looking after her kids, I become my professional persona to everybody other than my husband, my kids, my parents, my brother, and my oldest friends, who have known me as just me, not me-the-professional. It is a bit like carrying an invisible aura that weighs uncomfortably heavy after a while and I would like to be able to put down, but I get reminded to pick it up the moment I see any person in this town other than my nuclear family. I don't necessarily mind it after a while, but it is definitely a change, and it is worth mentioning. Lastly, I will never be able to shut off my phone, which was one of the most blissful parts of my recent existence. Yes, I missed numerous calls from people including my mom who gets worried, but the peace and quiet that I got to just exist and not have to pick up if I don't feel like it was exceptional.
I think that the kids will be OK with the nanny. She seems nice, a little to soft and indulgent, but rather that than a scary meanie. I let her spend individual time with both Emma and Daniel today, and I have started to relax a lot about my role not being changed in any way by her presence. Plus, she did the dishes when we cooked, and that is quite a treat, because I baked a huge pumpkin, two different kinds of cookies, and a sugar free pumpkin cheesecake, plus made two soups today, pumpkin and beet borscht, so the cleanup was no small feat for me or for her (I have a dishwasher, but it does not wash well, so we have to wash everything first by hand and use the dishwasher as a final touch/drying rack mostly).
It will help me to think about what work does for me and why I chose to go back, and why I will always choose to go back under just about any circumstances:
- fulfilment of what I believe God wants me to be in life
- fulfilment of what I have always wanted to do with my life before I knew how nice it is to raise kids and stay at home with them (grin)
- the opportunity to use my extravagantly expensive and rather long education
-I might actually help someone
-I am probably good at what I do, or at the very least decent, so I might as well do it
-it inspires my kids, particularly Emma, to aim for a career, a calling, and not just settle for a random job
-oh, did I mention that I get paid? And man, after many months of no income, that is a welcome bonus.
OK, I have convinced myself, tomorrow I am getting dressed and I am walking out that door like I mean business.