on fear and trusting

Emma is going to be one in a few days, specifically in just 8 more days (August 10 is her birthday).  She is walking about four to five steps, and can use a spoon, although not always without spilling.  She is a sweet, sweet child, although sometimes she scratches me and slaps me quite hard when she is excited, so I look like an abused mother at the moment, with marks on my left cheek.  We have worked hard on touching softly, not throwing objects, and not scratching or slapping, and things are going well, except for when she is too excited to remember.  She is still a baby and does not have good control over her limbs yet.  As for words, she says mama, dada, tata, and kak (for caca=poop).  Of all things, the kak is funny.

Last night, while my husband, my mom and myself were in the dining room talking, Emma, who was on the floor next to us, wrapped an electrical cord that connected the speakers to the amplifiers around her neck, and by the time she started to cry the cord was pretty tight.  I nearly froze.  I unwrapped it, and my husband who was also terrified of the whole thing, cut the cord with a knife and we now have no speakers.  Scary stuff.  An accident could have happened with me right there!

This of course scares me to no end.  I worry about Emma having to go to another person's house, in another person's care, especially that it looks like I might have to increase my work hours in the not-so-distant future.  I had a chat with my husband about this, and he told me that he does not think that another person will be any less careful than me, and that obviously things can happen even if you are all the time with your child.  You never know when the one second of inattention can lead to a very bad thing.

I guess this lead me to think about God providing for us, a fact that I have come to forget lately.  I worry about the future, and I find it hard, without practice, to give my worries to God and to trust that He will provide, just has He always has, in some way, shape or form.  God will direct me towards good child care.  He will also let me know if I should work more or less.  I am forever torn between my duty to my patients and my duty to my daughter, and both are callings for me, but of course my daughter is the one that takes priority, since I am the only one that can be her mother, while as my patients can have another doctor.  However, it was through the grace of God that I have learned to do what I do, and I owe it to Him not to waste my skill and knowledge either, but to serve others.  That being said, life is long, and everything has its own season.

So many thoughts are running through my head... On top of everything, my hysteroscopy date is August 9, and it is approaching fast, so I am very nervous about that.  Not about the procedure, but about the possibility of waking up from the anesthetic to hear that my uterine cavity is all scarred up with Asherman's adhesions.  Again, something that I should better leave in God's hands.