It has been 5 years since the day I gave birth to Adrian. I pulled out his card that joyfully states in blue letters "It's a boy!" and remembered with a twinge how much the cheerfulness of this card hurt me back then (it still does). It clearly states the time of birth, 10:08, and the birth weight, 409 g. I know these details by heart, although funny enough I don't know when my living children were born, or exactly how much they weighed (well, ok, Daniel is easy to remember 'cause he weighed 2.000 kg, how can I forget that one?). It is not that odd, because for Emma and Daniel I have so many more details to remember: their first days, their first smiles, their first teeth, the crawling days, their baptisms, and just about endless hours of joy spent together. For Adrian, all I have is this blue card with the stupid birth announcement and the cruel exclamation mark. That, and his foot prints, tiny and perfect. This year I will post a picture of them, as I love them so much more than the fuzzy ultrasound paper that is starting to darken already.
That's all I have of him, folks!
And, by God's blessed grace, I have two living children who were there with me today when we lit Adrian's candle and said a prayer that he be in Heaven with God, that our love may reach and envelop him, and that we meet one day.
PS. At dinner today, Emma was very excitedly telling MrH about how mommy had a baby named Adrian who died when he was born, and he is with God, and is flying with wings (that part I never said anything about actually), then about how some mad people burned him in the oven and he died (sorry about that, I obviously did not explain cremation very well, she wanted to know how he got into the urn and I made the mistake of giving too many details, as I was not prepared for that one). I did correct her and said that no mad people were involved, that Adrian was surrounded by loving people the entire time, and that he was with God when his body was burned to fit into the urn, but I would clearly say that if you get asked this question by a 3 year old, reconsider when mentioning anything about cremation as it is much too graphic and hard to soften as an idea.
I also told her that he died because he was born too small, and that she was luckily born very big and strong. She seemed pretty happy at the end of the conversation, and I know she will mention the idea again if she does not get it. Like when she first asked me why Elsa's parents died (in Frozen) about twenty times.
Here I am, posting about Adrian's anniversary only to write an entire paragraph about Emma. Adrian, your sister is smart and funny, and very inquisitive. She keeps me busy. Your brother, Daniel, is getting ready to keep me even busier with his exploratory bent (he is a man, he wants to move, and to find out all about the physical world around him). I wonder how much you might have looked like them, and decide that the answer is A LOT, since they look a lot like each other.
I was very blessed to have such a rich life so far, my sweet little boy, and I did live it to the fullest, as I have promised you I would. For you, for me, and now for them too.