It has been 5 years since the day I gave birth to Adrian. I pulled out his card that joyfully states in blue letters "It's a boy!" and remembered with a twinge how much the cheerfulness of this card hurt me back then (it still does). It clearly states the time of birth, 10:08, and the birth weight, 409 g. I know these details by heart, although funny enough I don't know when my living children were born, or exactly how much they weighed (well, ok, Daniel is easy to remember 'cause he weighed 2.000 kg, how can I forget that one?). It is not that odd, because for Emma and Daniel I have so many more details to remember: their first days, their first smiles, their first teeth, the crawling days, their baptisms, and just about endless hours of joy spent together. For Adrian, all I have is this blue card with the stupid birth announcement and the cruel exclamation mark. That, and his foot prints, tiny and perfect. This year I will post a picture of them, as I love them so much more than the fuzzy ultrasound paper that is starting to darken already.
That's all I have of him, folks!
And, by God's blessed grace, I have two living children who were there with me today when we lit Adrian's candle and said a prayer that he be in Heaven with God, that our love may reach and envelop him, and that we meet one day.
PS. At dinner today, Emma was very excitedly telling MrH about how mommy had a baby named Adrian who died when he was born, and he is with God, and is flying with wings (that part I never said anything about actually), then about how some mad people burned him in the oven and he died (sorry about that, I obviously did not explain cremation very well, she wanted to know how he got into the urn and I made the mistake of giving too many details, as I was not prepared for that one). I did correct her and said that no mad people were involved, that Adrian was surrounded by loving people the entire time, and that he was with God when his body was burned to fit into the urn, but I would clearly say that if you get asked this question by a 3 year old, reconsider when mentioning anything about cremation as it is much too graphic and hard to soften as an idea.
I also told her that he died because he was born too small, and that she was luckily born very big and strong. She seemed pretty happy at the end of the conversation, and I know she will mention the idea again if she does not get it. Like when she first asked me why Elsa's parents died (in Frozen) about twenty times.
Here I am, posting about Adrian's anniversary only to write an entire paragraph about Emma. Adrian, your sister is smart and funny, and very inquisitive. She keeps me busy. Your brother, Daniel, is getting ready to keep me even busier with his exploratory bent (he is a man, he wants to move, and to find out all about the physical world around him). I wonder how much you might have looked like them, and decide that the answer is A LOT, since they look a lot like each other.
I was very blessed to have such a rich life so far, my sweet little boy, and I did live it to the fullest, as I have promised you I would. For you, for me, and now for them too.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New Year
A happy New Year to all my blog friends, and may this year bring joy and fulfilment of your wishes, whatever they may be, particularly those related to pregnancy and childbirth. May all of the ladies pregnant right now have healthy term babies, and may all of those struggling to conceive have great news waiting in the following months.
I have a few resolutions for the new year, which are remarkably similar to previous years:
-pay attention to my children, educate them myself as much as I can, perhaps teach Emma how to read (if she becomes ready along the way during 2015)
-be patient as a mother.
-continue to exercise intensely, like I do at the moment
-definitely lose the 15-20 lb that I am still carrying in excess.
-blog weekly
-play piano at least three days per week, preferably closer to 5
I have started a low carb diet again today, and will keep going until I am at goal weight. No better day to start than today.
We had a little party on NYE with six adults and seven children, a lot of happiness, rack of lamb, white and red wine, too much tiramisu and juice on the carpet, you know, the works, all at the time when MrH was on call and had to go out and come back a few times. Fun, fun, fun. Emma and Daniel were fast asleep by midnight, but we got to see fireworks just one block away, and it was beautifully festive.
I know it is easy to forget about NYE, especially when holidays frequently remind us of sad times. In 2009, I spent the entire time from Boxing Day until Jan 2 in the hospital, trying to (unsuccessfully) hold onto Adrian, whom I lost on Jan 2 (tomorrow is his anniversary). I could choose to focus on that sad day, and not notice that NYE and January 1 also bring with them tremendous renewal, energy and promise, in a special way that only beginnings can. We only get 80 of these days if we are lucky. I might get another 40-50 if I am in the lucky category. I plan on not letting any of them escape uncelebrated. Bring on the rack of lamb, the friends and the joy, because even though at the back of my mind I vividly remember spending this occasion on a hospital bed, today I am happy and healthy, and so is everybody I love. Thank you God!
I have a few resolutions for the new year, which are remarkably similar to previous years:
-pay attention to my children, educate them myself as much as I can, perhaps teach Emma how to read (if she becomes ready along the way during 2015)
-be patient as a mother.
-continue to exercise intensely, like I do at the moment
-definitely lose the 15-20 lb that I am still carrying in excess.
-blog weekly
-play piano at least three days per week, preferably closer to 5
I have started a low carb diet again today, and will keep going until I am at goal weight. No better day to start than today.
We had a little party on NYE with six adults and seven children, a lot of happiness, rack of lamb, white and red wine, too much tiramisu and juice on the carpet, you know, the works, all at the time when MrH was on call and had to go out and come back a few times. Fun, fun, fun. Emma and Daniel were fast asleep by midnight, but we got to see fireworks just one block away, and it was beautifully festive.
I know it is easy to forget about NYE, especially when holidays frequently remind us of sad times. In 2009, I spent the entire time from Boxing Day until Jan 2 in the hospital, trying to (unsuccessfully) hold onto Adrian, whom I lost on Jan 2 (tomorrow is his anniversary). I could choose to focus on that sad day, and not notice that NYE and January 1 also bring with them tremendous renewal, energy and promise, in a special way that only beginnings can. We only get 80 of these days if we are lucky. I might get another 40-50 if I am in the lucky category. I plan on not letting any of them escape uncelebrated. Bring on the rack of lamb, the friends and the joy, because even though at the back of my mind I vividly remember spending this occasion on a hospital bed, today I am happy and healthy, and so is everybody I love. Thank you God!
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