I am going to start by writing short and easy posts about little things that go through my head during the day. This is a bit like the short, easy runs that someone would start when they first take up running. It takes a long time for my brain to concoct longer posts, so I am warming up. If I never get there, that's ok too, but this is a nice place to start, with one or two paragraphs every couple of days.
Winter holiday has started for Emma, who is now in Kindergarten. Since my daycare lady is off on Tuesday, I ended up taking four whole days off, and it feels like a mini holiday. Today we had a fully indoors day, since Emma is ill and I do not want to take her outside in the cold.
I realize that I have not had a full day indoors in a VERY long time. A day in which I do nothing, the kids do nothing, and we watch a whole lot of TV, clean and cook. It was GREAT. We did absolutely nothing purposeful the whole day. Any cleaning that happened was a happy byproduct of my boredom and inability to sit still. And it was the more exotic variety of cleaning, like pressure steaming the T-fal indoor grill, and vacuuming the inside of the cutlery drawer.
At the end of the day, the house was pretty, it smelled good, it looked lived in and it had a different energy level than it usually does when we all roll in at 6 pm after work and after school activities. There is something to be said about staying at home versus working: for me, staying at home has always lead to a cleaner house that smells better, feels warmer and more inviting, and just plain feels lived in by the kids. I notice that they also feel more "at home", more relaxed, that they explore corners where they do not normally go in the few hours between dinner and bedtime.
I am a working mother, so no, this is in no way a debate for me between staying at home mom versus working mom. I work because it is the-way-I-do-things. However, I find it useful to note these little nuances, and maybe indulge in these simple pleasures once in a while: vacuuming at 10 am, watering the plants at noon, looking at little details that make my space more pleasing to the eye, diffusing peppermint essential oil in every corner. It does not happen often that I can, so when I do, of course I wonder how my life and my kids lives would be different if I did that every day.
What I remember right afterwards, of course, is that I love my work as much as I have loved any hobby, and that I would do it for free most likely. That it gives a meaning to my existence beyond being a mom and a wife, that I would miss it.
I think I should be able to do both, but until we can create clones of ourselves, we will always have to make choices. I feel like my choice is clear, but were my job less rewarding, less of a "calling", I would probably have a hard time not being a home body.