A life off balance

I am currently living a life that feels very unbalanced, and I am not just saying it to justify my 21 day absence from the blog (especially after promising not to disappear).  I have started a training program in order to revisit my old OB skills and start applying them again, i.e. attending to births.  It is hard to describe how many hours per day are consumed by this program, but I am guessing that at the moment it is around 10-12 hours, plus multiple commutes daily (some of the work involves going home and coming back to the hospital at all hours of day and night).

This is taking place in Vancouver, where I chose to be in a smaller hospital that would remind me of my home town, and that is within 15 minutes driving from my parents' house.  I brought the kids, and the nanny, to stay here as well, but despite having them here with me, I don't think that they are seeing as much of me as they need.  They are still little, and they are used to me being their primary caregiver, despite the fact that I work about 30 hours per week.  Back home, a lot of those hours are in the evening, and on weekends, and so the daily average is still pretty low, between 4 and 6 in general.  They hate it that I am away from them.  I hate being away from them.  I am struggling to complete this program, and feel that I cannot stay longer than another week, although I initially was going to be here for another week and a half.  I think that I might just skip the last three days, particularly because I am ready to say screw it and give it all up.  Both kids have colds, and diaper rashes, and they fight more than usual, and they cry more than usual and I generally have a harder time interacting with them in a semi-civilized manner in the evenings because they are very prone to fits of temper.

We barely have time to wash and get dressed in the mornings, and to read a book and have dinner in the evenings, with very little time to go anywhere because I am constantly on call and may have to go back.  Swimming in the city is nothing compared to the beautiful and spacious pool that we have back home.  It is crammed with kids, and lessons, and there is not much room to enjoy life, although I do take them swimming sometimes.  I, on the other hand, did not have any chance to swim in the past month. I was able to run this weekend, and got my mother quite upset in the process because she thought that I should have stayed home with the kids and not taken that little time off to myself.  No, she did not have to watch the kids, my husband was looking after them, but that never stops a mother from being disapproving, as we all know. (However, I had not run for eight days, which is forever for a regular runner, and I needed to go, so go I did, even though it was pouring rain.  Best. Run. Ever.  Except that I got to hear it from my mom for a few days afterwards and also I now have shin splints, which is what happens when you only run once a week instead of every other day).

Anyway, I am rambling.  I miss my kids is the bottom line.  I have no idea how people can live with seeing their children only for a few hours at night.  I hate the wasted time in traffic, and feel that my moments with them are shortened by a hundred red lights. I am counting down the days until I finish this gruesome schedule and vow to not undertake such an endeavour anytime soon, although I shudder to think that someday I might need to work this way to pay for my living expenses, which is what I am noticing that more and more people have to do, with expenses going up and wages staying roughly the same.  I would like to know how other mothers cope with full time work and commute in the city, if anybody wants to share.