Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Adrian's three year anniversary

Today is Jan 2, the third anniversary since Adrian was stillborn.  I don't have time for a long post, Emma is watching "your baby can read" on youtube while I am typing...

What better way to celebrate his lovely little life than to enjoy Emma and the motherhood that his death made possible?  Adrian's death made it possible to find out that I had incompetent cervix, and to get a cerclage, which allowed Emma to be born at term.  This is complex, and I know that it does not explain Adrian's death.  I don't try to explain it anymore, I just accept it.  But thinking of it in the bigger concept of the following three years, it helps to place it in a more meaningful context.

Usually when I celebrate someone's death anniversary, on that day I make a food that they would have liked, and offer it it my family reminding them of that person.  With Adrian, I have nothing to go by.  So little of him is left: his ashes in the urn, the memory of his movements, his little limp body etched in my mind, in particular his thin vulnerable neck that I remember so well.  Too little.  Certainly not enough to guess what he would have liked to eat.  So I will light a candle for him during dinner and we will say a prayer, but it feels like it is too little.  I wish I had the time to sit and meditate, perhaps I can ask the babysitter to spend an extra half an hour with Emma so that I can sit and feel his presence.

What do you guys do to commemorate your stillborn child's day?


  1. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you today. I think lighting a candle at dinner is lovely. ((HUGS))

  2. Love and peace to you! This year was similar for me as it was such a busy time, Ian's birthday is only a week (and year) before Lily's day so while we're just coming off of celebrating Ian's big day a week before then we're remembering Lily and all that we didn't get to experience with her. I think the important thing is that they live on in our hearts forever and I'm certain they understand that their siblings here on earth are keeping us a bit preoccupied!