Today is Jan 2, the third anniversary since Adrian was stillborn. I don't have time for a long post, Emma is watching "your baby can read" on youtube while I am typing...
What better way to celebrate his lovely little life than to enjoy Emma and the motherhood that his death made possible? Adrian's death made it possible to find out that I had incompetent cervix, and to get a cerclage, which allowed Emma to be born at term. This is complex, and I know that it does not explain Adrian's death. I don't try to explain it anymore, I just accept it. But thinking of it in the bigger concept of the following three years, it helps to place it in a more meaningful context.
Usually when I celebrate someone's death anniversary, on that day I make a food that they would have liked, and offer it it my family reminding them of that person. With Adrian, I have nothing to go by. So little of him is left: his ashes in the urn, the memory of his movements, his little limp body etched in my mind, in particular his thin vulnerable neck that I remember so well. Too little. Certainly not enough to guess what he would have liked to eat. So I will light a candle for him during dinner and we will say a prayer, but it feels like it is too little. I wish I had the time to sit and meditate, perhaps I can ask the babysitter to spend an extra half an hour with Emma so that I can sit and feel his presence.
What do you guys do to commemorate your stillborn child's day?