Wednesday, February 22, 2012

the man's role

Just a brief post about the man's role in infertility/pregnancy loss.  We need our men to do a lot of things:  to be strong for us, to share our grief, to express their grief in a way that we understand, to understand our grief in the way that we express it, to take out the garbage and clean the house when we can't, to give us flowers and a back rub and be our best friend when we hurt, and above all to hang in there.

Except girls, we can't drive them crazy, you know.  To be able to go on and try to conceive again, or try for another pregnancy, or try for adoption, or whatever plan we are hoping for next, we need them to be on board.  If a man is run off his feet with crazy demands, like read my mind, and make me happy, and make this pain go away, he might think twice about going down that road again.  I'm just sayin'.

I realize this post might sound harsh, but please, take care of your wingman.  No nagging.  Don't expect too much either.  He will give you what he can, and no amount of nagging will make him give you more, 'cause if he could, he would have.  If your man loves you, he will give his pinkie finger to see you happy.  Believe me, if he could, he would have, whatever it is that he didn't.  And if he doesn't love you, what are you doing trying to have babies with him anyway?  Get an anonymous donor, much less hassle.

I am writing this post because I remember a time when I wanted my husband to feel my misery and hence I would unconsciously/carelessly try to make him feel it.  Don't.  Let the man be happy if he can be.  Even if you are not.  Let him have his alone time, his time with his buddies, his gym time, whatever, let him be happy without you.  You are the one who will benefit from it.  He will find that living with infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss or whatever is not such a hard life, and it can be done, and he will want to go on.  The last thing you want is for a man who loves you to leave your life because he can't breathe in it.

I am not talking on my soapbox.  OK, maybe I am a little, but I am both on the soapbox and in the audience.  These are things I need to remember often, and apply often, and so far I got good results, so I am sharing.  MrH is wanting to go for another IVF, despite the absence of any urge to procreate on his side, so I must be doing something right.  We all know he is special, but being allowed to live has helped.


  1. This is so true, we react differently and that must be okay. I'm glad to hear you and your husband are not scared of trying for another baby. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and the difficult ways of building your family.
    ICLW #31

  2. I'm happy to hear you're going to try for another baby!

    I had a note to at some point write a blog on how loss also affects the man. But that never got done... You put it out there very well though :) Men really do grieve/handle things differently than women. Hubby pushed me to get out and hang out with friends and do things to make me happy after my D&C, and I've made sure he's had the chance to do the same. I think it helped us moved past that initial shock of what happened.

  3. I have trouble knowing sometimes how to ride that line of leaning on DH enough that he doesn't get mad about me not leaning on him enough versus not overwhelming him.

    ICLW #6