Post from the House of Grumps

My period came today, but very light compared to the usual punishment by exsanguination that happens to me every month.  I think it might have something to do with Suprefact, I have asked the IVF clinic and the nurse did not know.  My travel plans will only have to be delayed by one day, not the worst case scenario. I have decided to fly back immediately after the embryo transfer.  I used to be cautious and wait for one day, but now after six attempts, I am pretty cavalier, and have adopted my IVF clinic's advice:  if it is meant to work it will work, go ahead and fly.  I only wish that MrH would be able to be there for the transfer, but to ask the poor man to travel each time I do a transfer in the unlikely scenario that he might be witnessing the beginnings of his child if it works... well it makes no sense financially, and after all of our optimistic cycles went to dust, now we are both "like, whatever", so we really couldn't care less.  I doubt I am even going to be talking to the embryos this time, like I did in the past.  On the other hand, I am not one to miss a life experience, even if it leads to pain afterwards, so I think I will end up getting bloody attached to the embryos, like I usually do, naming them, putting their picture in my album, writing letters to them in my diary, and generally planning the rest of my life in the short ten days of hope that I am allowed with every cycle, until my period comes again (or until I test, if I can't help my itchy fingers).  

Other than that bit of news, here's another piece of groundbreaking information:  I think I have Tourette's syndrome.  I feel like swearing just about every day.  I woke up this morning telling my uterus to "mensturate, you bitch!".  Yesterday I saw a pregnant woman that I know only vaguely, socially, and got so irritated with her (and I mean I don't know the woman at all!) and with her big belly and her bovine look that I thought to myself "pregnant cow".  Please forgive me and believe me that I don't usually think that way, or talk that way, and that in fact I like the round ripe look of pregnant women, their warmth and their softness.  I actually don't know at all why this particular woman annoyed me, it has been ages since anything to do with pregnancy or babies annoyed me, and I am not proud of myself for thinking this way, but the Tourette's got in the way.  I just know she really did, her mental image still does today, and that I want to be able to be honest on the blog.  

I also got very irritated with a young lady just because she dared to have a lot of kids, and is obviously extremely fertile.  Again, irritating things that do not happen to me anymore, or I used to think they don't.  Never at work, always in social circles.  At work I like fertile people, the more the merrier, they keep me busy, since my work life rotates around fertility and obstetrical issues and children, and I love it that way.  Outside of work however, I would probably prefer that everybody be sterilized for the next couple of months while I am going through my next three or four IVF's.  What do you mean, you don't think so?  Is it so much to ask?  Oh, and if we could please ask anybody with more than two children to kindly refrain from leaving the house in order to avoid rubbing your obvious fertility in my face, that would be nice.  Thank you, from the House Of Grumps.  

where's my period when I need it?

Period was due today but did not arrive yet, and this is throwing off my carefully orchestrated plans for travel for this IVF.  If I do get pregnant, this will be my last period for a while.  If I get pregnant now, I would be due on August 17, 2011, or somewhere around that date, depending on when the transfer actually happens (plus one to two days).  I don't know why I keep on calculating the hypothetical due date, I realize that it is an exercise in futility, since I usually don't get pregnant, but I can't help myself.

As you can see from this post, I am very negative about the IVF outcome, somehow I don't think it will work.  I have never had any success with a frozen cycle and I don't believe that they are as likely to work as the fresh ones, but they are unavoidable in my case.  Please spare me the speech on optimism, I have tried optimism before and it did not work either, so I won't stress out about my pessimism on top of everything else I have to stress about.  Like my bloody period (pun not intended) not coming on time when I need it to.  Or like the fact that I am so hungry all the time from the stupid Suprefact that I want to eat anything that isn't chained to the fridge.  In particular I could easily devour a whole sand dune made of sugar, palm tree and camel included.

I am also very impatient around pregnant women.  In particular this past week for some reason they annoy me to no end, even though the poor things have done nothing wrong.  I don't mind all of them, in particular my clients at work do not annoy me ever, perhaps because I need to focus on their health and my mind is busy taking care of details, but there are certain pregnant women outside the work environment that annoy me incredibly, and it is hard to say why, especially that so far they have not.  I think it is linked with the fact that I know in one month or less they will serve as painful reminders of what I cannot have, just as they have done (not willingly, of course) in the past, so many times.  I am already preparing myself mentally for the usual disappointment.  I know all too well what is going to hurt in the near future, and I think I am already resenting it.

Avatar body

Over the past two weeks I have been working hard on my Avatar body:  running 8 km about 4 times a week, cycling twice a week on the stationary bike for 1.5 hours, or doing one hour on the elliptical trainer.  The hope was for a tiny waist and strong legs, like Neytiri, if not for the ability to jump from branch to branch like a flying trapeze artist.  I have weighed myself this morning, and instead of losing the 5 lb that were standing between me and the Na'vi race, I have now GAINED 4 lb!  I think no one will be confusing me with the blue princess anytime soon.  MrH thinks it is all muscle development, but I know better, it is the hormonal storm of SuperFat usurping any reasonable efforts to fit into my hard earned skinny jeans.

In addition to this bit of good news, I woke up feeling very pessimistic about this IVF and any pregnancy that might or might not happen:  I feel that either I will not get pregnant, because surely something mysterious is wrong with me and I cannot get pregnant EVER again, only no one is realizing it yet... or if I do get pregnant, then the cerclage will fail, and I will be even worse off than I am now, because I really don't know what I would do then.  Perhaps try surrogacy.  I really don't know.  What is there after TAC?  Another TAC?  I am getting closer to the end of the rope and that is a scary thought.

On the plus side, Shoppers has another sale on and I have my eye on a new perfume, it is called PLAY by Givenchy.  If the mood does not improve by Friday I fully intend to take advantage of the "20 times the points" deal and cheer myself up with the lovely smell.

suppression-or this never happened

I was watching more Mad Men yesterday, given that I have so much spare time lately (don't ask me how, I just feel like I have enough energy to take on the world and some leftover to watch Mad Men).  In this episode, Don Draper is trying to help Peggy forget that she had a baby out of wedlock (a baby that she could not keep) by telling her to forget, to do whatever needs to be done in order to move on.  He tells her something like "You will be shocked by how much THIS NEVER HAPPENED."  He is, of course, speaking from his own experience, given that he left a whole lifetime behind, including a brother that loved him, and adopted someone else's identity.  A lot of things in Don Draper's life "had never happened".

Suppression of memories is an adaptive skill, of course.  It allowed me to move on with my life after having Adrian.  It allows me to move on every day.  If it were not for suppression of the intense feelings of pain and guilt and loss, I would wake up every morning wailing like a crazy woman. Instead, I wake up smiling to my husband's lovely face, and am able to enjoy his warm embrace.  I am able to live a full life.  It is true that there are days in which I don't think a lot about Adrian.  I do think about him every day, but sometimes just for a few seconds, on the conscious level.  It is true that I could pretend, at this point, that it never happened, that I never had him.  It is true that I have been urged by people, at least one of which is a spiritual advisor, to forget and to move on, to not bring the past along with me on my journey.

Dear people, and dear spiritual advisors, I know that you give advice based on love and on your own life experience, which undeniably has to be different from mine, but let me tell you what I have found out in my own journey:  suppression is good up to a point.  One has to relive the memory, one has to integrate it, as soon as possible, into the daily current life, in order for one's mind not to go crazy.  A mind that is asked to suppress, and suppress, and suppress, will eventually crack.  Suppression has its role initially, right after the trauma has happened, in order to allow one to move on and survive.  However, months afterwards, or whenever the mind feels safe, it starts to relive the memory, it starts trying to integrate into everyday life, so as to avoid being asked to cover it up all the time.  The mind knows what it is doing most of the time, and if allowed to function as it wants, it will bring up the memory in dreams, or in feelings, almost daily.  And that is ok, it is healthy.  At this point in my life, trying to pretend that it didn't happen would be unhealthy.

Perhaps Don Draper's words would have brought me comfort in the days following Adrian's loss, but now, after so many months, when my mind feels safe to process and revisit the memory, I can tell anyone who is still urging me to "forget and move on":  YOU WILL BE SHOCKED BY HOW MUCH THIS DID HAPPEN!

The evil deeds of SuperFAT

I started injecting three days ago, and am already very very hungry.  I think the name is befitting.

For the past two nights, I have had a large amount of work and a very small amount of sleep.  I am one who likes her sleep, especially her beauty sleep in the mornings.  If I have to get up before 8 am I turn into a pumpkin.  Literally.  I keep eating all day long in order to:
a.  get rid of my frustrations related to being tired
b.  stay awake (chewy crunchy things like walnuts help a lot)
c.  prove to myself that life is not as sucky as it currently appears to be.

However, it seems that this peculiarity of mine is not common knowledge and hence I was woken up to please come to work ASAP at the most ungodly hours several times during this past week.  Today I am running on empty.  I nearly fell asleep on top of the cat.  I fear that what's next is falling asleep on top of the parrot, and the poor thing, at 157 grams (I weigh him to make sure he stays slender... ha just kidding, I am not THAT insane) does not stand a chance against my 71583 grams.

So, after dinner, in order to stay awake and provide some more comfort while faced with the gargantuan task of having to practice one hour of piano (I am working on a carol called Carol of the bells), I started rummaging through the kitchen.  Again.  Which proves how little learning capacity I have in my little tiny brain.  Guess what I found?  NUTELLA!!!! I have not had Nutella for about one year, precisely since I have bought it.  I was hungry one day and shopping at Costco while hungry is not a good idea, as proven by the two large size Nutella jars that I came home with.  (But they were such a good deal!  except if you ignore the fact that, you know, I am vegan and hence I don't actually EAT Nutella).

Apparently when I am tired my veganism gives way to a new food trend, called Nutellism.  I had about three tablespoons full, with one large banana, and two handfulls of nuts (just in case the Nutella did not provide enough calories by itself, didn't want to take any chances).  Then, eroded by guilt, I decided to burn off the calories from my post dinner snack on the stationary bike.  Let me tell ya, one hour and a half later, with blisters on both my buttocks and an inability to straighten my left hamstring, I have still not burned off everything that I have consumed in that two minute period of brain arrest.  I had to stop because I had run out of Japanese skin care videos to watch on youtube, and at 11 pm it is too late for me to watch anything even remotely more intelligent.

Hence, I am going to take a hot bath and then go to sleep.  Hopefully after a nine hour snooze (yes, that is a requirement at this point in my old age) I can wake up feeling a little less...ravenous.

dream

I had a weird dream last night.  For the past couple of days, I have dreamt quite a few interesting things, amongst which the Third World War and a whole lot of bombing.  Scary dreams like that...

Anyway, last night I dreamt that I was about to start this frozen cycle of IVF, and that upon going for an ultrasound they discovered that I was actually very pregnant, that I had somehow gotten pregnant from the previous IVF, and the doctors had missed that .  I was even at term.  I went in to the labour ward to have the baby, everything went really well, and the physician who did the delivery handed me a baby boy.  She said that I was looking very much incredulous, like I did not think that this would finally happen, that this could happen.

The baby boy was so so cute.  I held him, laughed at his baby faces, at his lovely mouth, I smelled his hair. I remember saying to the nurses that indeed I was amazed that he was here and quite incredulous that it had finally happened for me, but also now that he was here, he felt very much normal, like he belonged here, like this was exactly the way things should be.  I was breastfeeding in the dream, and compared to other dreams, I remember a lot of detail, and it felt very much real.

Unfortunately the next day after birth, my baby became a mirage image, and he disintegrated.  He was not real.  I went back to the hospital and they told me that I had had a "hysterical pregnancy", or a pseudopregnancy.  I was very embarrassed, and had to tell everyone who was asking me how the baby was that the baby hadn't been real, that I had created the whole thing with my mind.

Then I woke up.

Whatever could it mean?  Hmmm, that's a hard one.

cream puff massacre

Hey, October is done, and I have posted a total of 29 posts during the month!  If I write this much, can you imagine how much I talk ?

Not much new to report.  I have been very very happy lately.  I don't really know why, perhaps it is the light, or the fact that the new IVF is approaching, or the fact that work is going well, or perhaps it is because MrH is the best husband EVER!  There are no new crises, the birds are super cute, I am currently taming a little parrotlet that resides at my work place (he gets to spend ten minutes on my shoulder - actually hiding in my hair - every day, and he is getting used to it, the last two times he did not even draw blood when biting me, hey, that's success!).  MrH has been trying to tame him for one year, but I think I have a better chance, since I am female and the beast is male.  He is so cute, small and neurotic to no end.  When he gets stressed, he plucks all his feathers, and is completely nude on the chest.  He's been doing well for months now, so his feathers are all back, shiny and new.  I am no longer struggling with the temptation to sneak some prozac into his water.

Tomorrow I am starting to inject Suprefact (I call it superFAT) in order to suppress ovulation.  The approximate time for the next embryo transfer is in 4 weeks or so.  I am busy trying to slim down a bit before SuperFAT gets the best of my waist, but unfortunately the adipose tissue is not budging.  Even with the three day juice fast done last time, I did not lose almost any weight, at most one to two pounds.  I think it is because I have not been active; with the surgery recovery and before that with the fresh cycle, it has been a long time since I have been able to exercise.  I have decided to start exercising daily until embryo transfer day.  I have been able to do about 45 minutes on the elliptical, or one hour on the bike.  I usually do my strength training whenever the mood hits me.  I enjoy strength training, it feels a lot more defined to me, and I get almost immediate results, probably due to genetics.  I have done a total of three days of squats and lunges, and my quads are already visibly more toned.  In contrast, with the cardio, I can sweat for weeks and have nothing to show for it.  The fat is stuck on with superglue, I swear!

I am also busy watching youtube videos of japanese skin care products and routines.  I am fascinated with all the brightening and whitening skin products, not to mention all the anti aging formulations.  I am still enjoying my cellulite cream, which at the very least makes me aware that I still have cellulite on the areas that I am trying to apply it to.

Yesterday I had guests for dinner and decided to treat them to a nice dessert, so I bought some cream puffs, which are my weakness.  Being vegan, cream puffs do not qualify as non-dairy, so they do not reside anywhere near my kitchen on your average day.   However, I am not a very strict vegan, so I decided that I can try a couple of cream puffs.  I kept on "trying" them throughout the entire day, until at dinner MrH remarked that the box (that had 32 cream puffs to begin with) was looking awfully empty.  I had eaten about 16 of them as the day went on!  If that is not uncontrolled grazing, I don't know what is. Mind you, I should have had breakfast, or lunch, but I was too busy preparing dinner to think of such mundane activities, and with the cream puffs, I guess I felt quite satisfied...

Given yesterday's cream puff massacre, I decided that today will be Juice-fast Monday (I frequently have a Juice fast Monday when the weekend was a bit, um, excessive).  I had one litre of juice for breakfast and mid morning snack, and one 16 oz soy latte for lunch.  Warning:  do not try this at home.  I have literally vibrated my way throughout the entire afternoon.  I nearly tore the head off an annoying person on the phone.  Next time I will solemnly stick to my original rule that forbids coffee during a juice fast day, mostly in order to avoid war casualties.

That was my quick update.  I will write more when I actually have something to say (unless anyone actually enjoys reading updates of my very mundane happy happy life).